Young Writers Society

This is one of the three reviews that will be given to you be a Green Room Knight.

Truth be told, I'm not sure I understand the title. I mean, yes, you talk about people who are dying/dead, but the title is "The story of the grave"

The. Singular. And then you go off and talk in plural terms. So that's a little confusing, and therefore the title doesn't really fit.

The rhyme scheme is good, but on some lines it felt forced. And then the rhythm got thrown off because the rhyme felt forced. But, overall, it was a good rhyme.

I love your message in the last few lines, about how we shouldn't take life for granted. Great job squeezing that in! The general narrative was very good, and enjoyable to read.

All-in-all, I give this an A+. You did a wonderful job, and you are an excellent writer.

KT

Hi ajruby!

Hitting this up by honour of the Knights of the Green Room - and also because I love poetry!

First of all I have to congratulate you on your rhyme! I mostly dislike rhyme, it gets in the way of flow and direction, as far as I am concerned. However, the rhyme you have here is barely noticeable, which puts it in the "good" category for me. I had to read the poem twice to realise that you were rhyming! I do think that some of your lines are a little stilted, but I think this is because of focus.

Your focus is too broad. Why "they"? Why are you making us think in big numbers instead of small ones - small ones would tug our heart strings a little stronger and remind us just how important the little people are. Your poem becomes stronger when you slide into the "you", because it directs our emotions and our reading onto ourselves and that's a stronger pull than the vague "their".

I think the poem is probably talking about moving on after a death of a child? Or, not letting that death damage your relationship with other children? It's a little bit preachy on this point, awkward in it's blunt way of saying your point. I might suggest employing a little more imagery along the way to really suck us into what you're saying before you hit the point home. Not all poetry needs to be heartbreaking or 'epic' but it's a bit cool to strive for that, I think.

Try reading this aloud with a slight pause at the end of each line. If those pauses start to feel awkward, you need to reconsider what you're writing and how you're expressing yourself.

Thanks for posting this. Let me know if you change anything.

- Penguin.

Hi there ajruby! Knight Nite here to review for the Knights of the Green Room.

Overall, this is pretty good. I'm not crazy about rhyming poems in general, but you handle it pretty well for the most part. I especially liked the crow/lyre image.

Just one second, a long, harsh look

At the reality of today.

But they were never asked

Whether they wanted death or life.

Greetings! Sorry about that useless comment, butterfingers here.

Happy Review Day!

Your poem is nice. Story lines, but nice. If it hasn't already been suggested - consider a format. This is too eh, it looks ugly. It needs stanzas and strong ones, like a group of friends bunched together to become stronger. Make sense?

As for the rhymes, I felt those were forced at certain parts. Don't do that! Poems don'thave to rhyme at all. Ever heard of freeform poetry? If you haven't, look it up. It's awesome, it saves me the trouble of forcing things to rhyme. J'm not saying this was forced, per se, but there's room for improvement. Some felt like you struggled to match them up. Just don't sweat it next time.

Another tip is more imagery. Everything about a poem is imagery. You've got some here and there, but not enough.

Other than that, it was a pleasure to read! I did enjoy myself. Nce flow, nice word play. Overall, well done.

For Team YWSDBG,
~Iggy

Love it as always!! It flowed very nicely. Great work. There are a couple awkward places. The one that I think is most awkward is "some of them went to heaven, I know" I think you could have said that a little better. It just kinda doesn't seem right. Really like it!! Keep it coming, you're becoming a better poet and writer all the time.

pssst! shift-enter to only jump down one line instead of two!

Hello there, I'm here to review your poem. ^^

I really like this, it has wonderful imagery and smooth transitions between the style changes. You touched on many aspects of death and managed to have positive thoughts running through it despite the topic.

"The throbbing has stopped,
Their heart pounds no more.
As their bodies are moved,
Through an old wooden door."

While I love the writing itself in this stanza, the comma in the first two lines interrupts my reading. I would substitute a semicolon as it's more grammatically correct.

"The throbbing has stopped;
their heart pounds no more."

Wonderful piece of work here, well done! ^^

Oh wow! That was really awesome! I liked how you snuck a few Christian principles in there, LOL. I love how you kept the same form, but not. I saw how you switched it but then switched back. IT was a really graceful kind of transition that not a lot of people came make so easily. I don't believe on correction grammar so much as the writing style, because everyone has their own way of writing. But mistakes I will. And lucky for you there are no mistakes that I immediately see. So keep up the good work