Love at first sight.
Irrational, I know.
Yet, love within a book
Sparks something more.
Dashing, daring,
And charming was he.
Words could never describe
Him properly.
Oh, I had fallen
And how much I longed
To tear apart the pages
And leap within.
But a few pages passed
And someone new
Thrust a barrier between
My hero and me.
The villain had arrived,
And with a thirst for blood
Began plotting the demise
Of my unsuspecting one.
I watched in frozen horror,
But the fatal plan was laid.
The villain lay in wait
As the prey came.
The trap was sprung,
And the villain won.
My hero had fallen
Along with my broken heart.
Then, as the wicked crowed,
My heart revived again.
The hero arose
To defeat his nemesis.
I need not describe
That glorious fight.
My hero won
And my heart became light.
But as I rejoiced,
My hero turned
And lovingly embraced
A different girl.
He had never seen me
And would never know
That when he found love,
He had left me behind.
I fell for a hero
Composed of ink.
Love at first sight
Seemed hopeless to me.
But all is not lost,
As more champions will come.
Perhaps, just maybe,
I will find my own.
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140,165 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hi AJ! Just wanted to leave a short review here in honor of review day. So on to the review!
Theme
I want to address the theme and plot of the poem first. I interpreted your poem to be a grand story of about a speaker who fell deeply in love with a man who was a "hero", she lost herself to the excitement of this person and followed along while he conquered evil and fell in love himself -- but with someone else! Then the twist at the end of the poem is the reader learns that the speaker is actually reading about this person they love, because they are "composed of ink". With that really clever turn you show how readers can get immersed into a good book (or poem!) and the characters although real in the mind of the reader, aren't real in reality. It was neat that it was all a story within a story so that the reader was able to almost experience what the speaker in the poem was retelling.
I like that you presented your narrative in a straightforward way and didn't give the twist away until the ending. I'm a bit torn on the title for two reasons 1) a careful reader would see the title and might be able to guess the ending, which ruins some of the fun of the reveal at the end and 2) the word "inky" doesn't mesh with the formal language you use in the rest of the poem. I can't think of an alternative maybe a synonym for inky or book like "A tale of love" or "an epic love". Those are just my thoughts, but overall I really enjoyed the structure and concept the piece!
Word Choice & Phrasing
I'm not going to touch on rhyming as I see other reviewers have. But I will say for the most part I thought your word choice was pretty consistent and effective. You used formal language almost like you're retelling an ancient legend, but not so formal that the language is stiff.
I'll point to two places where I think the word choice could be improved, although like I said, I think the overall effect was positive.
Here you use the word pages twice within close proximity, and I think one mention is good to start establishing or hinting at that reading theme, but with such short lines in a relatively short poem when important nouns are repeated that close to each other it seems like the author ran out of things to say. So, changing one of them would be more effective for word choice.
For me the ending lacked closure. You brought us on an epic but in the end we just get the promise of "maybe" another champ will come. I think the maybe in there makes the poem seem a bit sad at the end and not as hopeful as the rest of the poem seemed to be. It also isn't quite clear for me in the last two lines whether the speaker is proposing they're going to go find more stories to read about heroes or if they're going to look for love and heroes in the real world. This seems to be a really important distinction, but for me the ending is ambiguous for that point.
Originality
My last note I'd like to make is about originality. I see in your comment below you said that you didn't intend for the poem to be original but just wanted it to be something a reader could relate to, but I would suggest that sometimes a bit of originality can go a long way in helping a reader connect to a piece and then relate to it. There were a few moments in your poem where I felt I had heard the exact phrasing before in other pieces, almost cliche like the line about "heart broken" and the short section about the hero "defeating their nemesis". There's nothing wrong with having phrases that readers recognize as following the traditional pattern of events, but I think a bit more personality in some of those phrases maybe with an extra adjective or metaphor could bring the poem to the next level and make it more memorable.
You have a more original theme, but some of the content ends up not sounding original at the beginning of the piece. Describing with a bit more specificity in some of the first half, I believe, would help readers better engage with your piece and better achieve your goal of making a piece they can better relate to.
Overall a good poem to read, with an unexpected punch at the ending. Well done!
Best,
~alliyah
This Review has been brought to you by Team Autumn. Happy Review Day!
Thanks for the review! I mainly write poetry as I am inspired to do so, and this was just one of those pieces that popped into my brain. I will probably do some edits on it in the future, so thank you for the comments!
You're very welcome!
Introduction:
Hey there, teammate! I can't wait to review this piece. In this review, I'll be spotlighting a few suggestions that mainly have to do with word choice, fluidity, and phrasing.
Ready? Set? Go!
Content:
Let's start here:
I like this beginning, but I have to say that the next couple lines don't make much sense. If you had said something other than "irrational", then the second line would work, like "Love at first sight/A powerful thing/let love within a book", etc. Make sure that, since you say "something more", that love at first sight is actually labeled as "something". Get my drift? Probably not... I'm ranting.
This is an unoriginal and quite frankly un-engaging way to label your bad guy. "Villain", in contrast with the remainder of the poem, is a generic and overused title. I'd try something more unique, more idiosyncratic--I can't tell you what that is, but try brainstorming something.
That being said, this plot twist is hard to empathize with, seeing as the reader cares little about the hero in the first place. Before this, I'd suggest that you give us tastes of your love for the hero--something about the way he speaks, or the way his cape (?) flutters in the breeze. We need to care for this man just as much as we need to care for you.
I'd try to be more consistent in your rhyming. Rhyming, in this case, is acceptable, but it's difficult to keep track of without a consistent rhyme scheme. I could help you with that, if you want. Just PM me!
*cough* This is redundant -- the Latin prefix "re-" means "again". *cough*
Here, just a potential continuity error- in the rest of the poem, you refer to him as "/my/ hero". This may have been your choice, but it's a bit awkward and distances you from the reader, if you know what I mean.
Yes, yes you do. As a writer, you must certainly describe the fight to us, your readers.
This is an excellent ending to an excellent piece. Bravo, ajruby! Bravo!
Three Things to Think About:
1. Continuity/clarity. I'd suggest a beta reader for this. Your beta reader can make sure that everything's clear and concise and makes sense all the way through. He/she will be invaluable, I promise.
2. Elaborate. You clearly have an eye for metaphor, and I'd love to see this potential book metaphor elongated. Really make the most out of it--compare your book to love, to a dream, to anything... just compare it.
3. Write, write, write! You clearly are a gifted writer, and I want you to make the most of that. This was a novel and yet relatable idea--and I'm sure you have others! Practice may not make perfect, but it makes excellent...
The Sign-Off:
Anyhow: as we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark
Hey! Thanks so much for that review! Unfortunately, I'm afraid that you probably weren't thinking along the same wavelength as this poem. It's not intended to be original, but instead is intended to relate to the reader. Also, the particular spot you pointed out, "The hero arose" is intended to start to pull the reader away from the hero a little more.
But again, thanks so much for the review! This poem was a spur of the moment work, so the wording and rhythm isn't perfect.
-AJ
Thanks for the reply! Glad to know that writers are thinking about, adapting to, and sometimes refuting my comments.
Including some of the things I wrote in here is obviously your choice, and I 100% respect that and your ability as a writer. Please continue sharing your amazing poetry with us.
Hahahaha! So relatable! (In fact, I think every die hard writer can relate to this). So, nice poem! I especially liked these lyrics:
Oh, I had fallen
"I fell for a hero
Composed of ink.". We're always falling for fictional characters!
"And how much I longed
To tear apart the pages
And leap within."
So true!!!
Really good poem! The only thing that needs work is punctuation. You ought to put commas after every other line. Asides from that, well done!
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
Thanks for reading! The poem is semi-inspired by a heart-broken reader and partially by an understanding writer. I love it though, to be honest.
-AJ
Omg!! Can i just say this perfectly describes me reading anything.
This was such a perfect protrail of a girl reading a book.
The great thing about this is that is relates to basically anyone.
ok im going to start with a few suggestions and then end on a good note, plus a question.
First off im new at this so bare with me.
ok i love how in the begining it ryhmed, i was kinda disapointed that this didnt continue threw the entire poem.
now let me tell you how much of a sucker i am for this poetic peice, Gosh i love it.
LOVE IT!!
such a true story. lol
ok so question time... was there a paticular book/character in mind??
Maddie
Well, the rhyming was actually unintentional. It just happened to... happen.
I didn't have a specific book or character in mind, but I could list some. But that's for me to know...
Thanks so much for the review!
-AJ
no problem!