(I shouldn't have written this.. But here it is! Sorry for the formatting, but I couldn't get it to work for me)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I had an idea,
But then it flew.
A grand poem,
Humorous indeed
To make you chuckle,
Which I hoped you would heed.
I had an idea,
But then it flew,
Above the ground
(Which was somehow blue)
The idea, oh yes it flew
Majestically into a wall.
It was ruined, oh yes indeed!
That is all.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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A million likes because I feel your pain, it's worse when you have short term memory loss.
It is indeed.
Thanks for the comment!
Hello, it is I, Nicole. I am here to do a review, short indeed but a review nonetheless.
I love that you have a rhyme to it because reading something that rhymes, well it makes my day, haha.
Anyways, to start off, I really like this. It has a great flow and I am happy you know how to spell.
Personally I like the ending "That is all." I don't know why, but I do.
Anyways, keep up your writing!
-Nicole
I think you and I think along the same wavelength!
Thanks for the review!
Haha maybe so! You're welcome!
I liked this, I thought it was creative, I thought it was funny but I think the ending could've been a bit better but seriously I loved this!
The ending was intentionally short and abrupt. But thank you for the review!
-ajruby (The Silver Lady)
Yo! Let's jam.
So this is simple and quick, humorous and easy to digest--all of which means there isn't much to review. I could spend a while talking about the forced rhymes that detracted from the potency of the humor; I could talk about the establishment and breaking of meter that derails the bit of momentum you establish in the beginning with the borrowed words
but I feel as though you'd benefit most from being guided back to your lines wherein you have to force a word just for the sake of rhyme. This is normal and common and in no way surprising, though if I held you to a higher standard, I would expect much better. So let's try to raise the standard.
Ask yourself seriously if your poem needs to rhyme. What do you lose when you remove the poetic element? It guides the reader and renders the lines more fluid in the mind because of their pieced-together feeling of unity. That said, when you force a rhyme, you lose this effect in total because of the senselessness and needlessness of the word chosen. So if you keep your rhyme, make it worthwhile, or you're just wasting words. If you choose to eliminate the rhyme, then you'd better back it up with powerful words that, in your comic case, will make the reader laugh aloud. As it stands, I don't get much of anything from this other than "I had a brain fart. That is all." And that's the whole premise, so you've achieved your translation goal; but in the process you've bored me.
Think of it all if you revise.
Lumi
It's a personal preference to make things rhyme. I just like it a whole bunch better that way... But thanks for the advice!
Hey!
It was a really nice poem! Keep writing!
I actually thought this was a really humorous poem! I loved reading it! You describe my poems perfectly, most of them end up flying majestically into a wall!!
"But then it flew
Above the ground
(which was somehow blue)"
I loved this part! The only thing I found really was at the end.
"That is all."
Maybe you could add a little bit more to that last line to make the rhythm flow a little bit nicer. It's your choice though.
-SnazzyPencil
Thank you!
The "That is all" was intentional to make it kind of abrupt and such. But thanks for reading it, even though it started with "Roses are red".
Ohhhh, okay! That makes sense.
Your Welcome! 