The ripples in the water are not gentle anymore
I watch heavy glass fall into
Shades of translucent blue
The water waving to the departing hills
Which glide over its surface
The glistening, beautiful face
Of this drenching blue smokescreen
Laughing in my face, mocking my tears
Every glassy tear which falls
Into the scornful innocence
Of the once gentle circles
Latches onto my neck and pulls me closer to itself
Until I cannot leave this sight of hopelessness
Until I fall in
the ripples in the water are not gentle anymore
(crit please. also, the first line is not the title. It is the first line of the poem 
)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,257 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Thanks for your comment, inkwell! But this is a very old poem--about 4 or 5 years old, really, so I'm going to lock it. Have a great day!
The repetition is perfect.
I love the way you don't just paint an image. Instead it felt like you were pouring the image out so gracefully but at the same time made a "ripple" when it hit the surface. Very pretty in an emotional way.
Hello,
. Your descriptions are very vivid, every line simply adding onto the luscious imagery of the water. The entire poem seems to have hidden depth and is an extended metaphor for water/life. I like that you kept it simple, using only one element, but it still made me think about each line. It has its surreal aspects and then more natural concrete ones, like the hills. I can't really think of much for you to work on except for repetition. In a piece this small repeated words stand out. one place is "Of the once gentle circles" because gentle is such a strong word at the beginning and end, I'd replace this random use of it with languid or some other such word. The second word is "until" which is used twice in a row. It only sticks out because it is not seen as a pattern elsewhere. Its up to you if you want to change it but I think it might be smoother if you took one out.
This had a very depressed and frightening feel to it, which I happen to love
Wow! Truly amazing! I agree, it's beautiful!
Latches onto my neck and pulls me closer to itself
Until I cannot leave this sight of hopelessness
This would probably look and sound better being 3 or 4 lines.
This is a beutiful poem, the idea of the ripples in the water is very beutiful. Thats how I would descrive this poem: beutiful.
I love this peice--it has a certain haunting beauty. Haunting because of the melancholy tone, but it creates such a lovely picture in my mind.
I liked the concept but it seemed a little wordy in some places.
It's really pretty. I can't stop reading it, lol.
This is 100% amazing. I loved it all the way through. You truly have great talent.
WOW this is really beautiful... I love the first line and I like how you repeated it at the end.
Amazing beginning. Powerful, meaningful...
I loved how this almost rhymed without meaning to. I dont know if you planned that, but it was gorgeous. into, blue; surface, face
Anyway, I loved these two lines especially
Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. One little thing. I don't know if anyone else agrees, but in the first line here, I watch heavy glass fall into, I think that into would work better on the second line there.
Absolutely amazing, especially the second and fourth line. You paint pictures and it is absolutely incredible.
This was the only thing I really didn't like. End like you start and get rid of the "I tell you,"
You truly are an amazing writer. This was absolutely gorgeous, I can't wait to read more of your work.
First thing- I'm a coastal native american, Shoalwater Bay. Our reservation is on the coast of Washington State. So you know I was totally feeling this poem from the first line. Here's my crit (or really, comments, because I like all of this too much to give any real, harsh crit)
I think everyone relates to this. I love to swim in the ocean, and I know sometimes the waves are gentle and calming, but in a storm they get wild and dangerous. I love this imageryThe part about heavy glass is beautiful, as is the line after it. The imagery is lovely, almost perfect
Oohh...so perfect. I love this. Especially the "glass tear" part, like I said. ... you're putting me into a trance with your poetry, sucking me in..that's part of why I love writing, temporary mind control...
Not sure if I like the "I tell you," in the last line. Other than that...PERFECT[/quote]
I like this. It's really interesting and it gives you a strong picture...I like the metaphor of glassy tears. the bell just rang I'll crit this as soon as I get home
it's beautiful
I like it. Only problem for me was the "I tell you" in the last line. Either take it out or change it to something else. It just doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem. Apart from that, it was good. I especially loved "drenching blue smokescreen".
Good stuff.
Thank you soo much for the suggestion Reichieru. I'll break them up right now
This is really very beautiful. The metephore of ripples on water is very powerful and easy to understand.
One thing you could do to improve it is to break most of the lines into two lines. I think if you were to do that, it would flow much more smoothly, and possibly have a very subtle meter.
The last line I wasn't too fond of. The ending might be more powerful if you ended it the way you began.