Young Writers Society

Thanks again for the suggestions. I heavily cut it again and changed that stanza for you, niteowl

Okay, first off, too many to's in the second stanza. I think it is part of the reason why as Incandescence said, this poem seems so unemotional.

To let them cry on your shoulder
To let them bleed on your limpidness
To tear at your heart
To love someone in their deadness and life
To care for them before yourself

Thanks for the honesty and suggestions Incandescence. I appreciate it

Try to evade words that end in "ness." Such as "deadness," which has got to be the stupidest word I have ever heard.

This poem was not very...mmm...emotionally or logically appealing to your readers. It just, kind of began, and then kind of ended, with nothing in-between. You should work on imagery and metaphorical abuse first and foremost then start telling us how the world works. I'm not a fan.

Thanks for your reply, Monkey, but I was wondering if you could point hte subplot out to me. That would help me revise it. Gracias

Wow...the beginning was amazing, simply amazing. Just how a poem should be, to lure a reader into the story and make him/her keep guessing and wanting to read more and more. That part was very, very good, but soon I realized that the topic was getting a big nonsensical and it started fading out, soon a new sub-topic was formed. I don't know if you actually wanted it to be that way, but it seemed strange for a poem.

Overall it was pretty good. The ending was a little choppy and didnt really go well, but the beginning was awesome.

Yes. Tis more readable now.

There we are. I cut it a little. Is that better, Firestarter?

It started well, but soon faded into nonsense repetition. Most of the stanzas in this poem woulcd be deleted and it would improve greatly. It would no longer be laborious and boring to read, and would get to the point quick and sharp rather than lecturing the same thing over and over like a 90-year-old teacher. So yeh, if you learn to compress and truncate your poetry, and make it much more succinct, this would be much better.

I really liked this in the beginning, but the repetition got a little old by the end. But for the most part I really liked this. I partticularly liked this stanza:

Being a friend is not a joyride
It is a challenge, a journey
Where the prize is sometimes difficult to see
But when worst comes to worst
And your defenses fall
You will look back and laugh at your ignorance and foolishness