To feel one’s pain; to feel one’s joy
To know one’s heart
Not the facades they deploy
To love one even in their filth
And forgive them when their control wilts
Let them cry on your shoulder
Bleed on your once clean self
Tear at your heart
Love someone in their deadness and life
Care for them before yourself
And forgive them their involvement in your plight
A true friend
Being a friend is not a joyride
It is a challenge, a journey
Where the prize is sometimes difficult to see
But when worst comes to worst
And your defenses fall
You will look back
And laugh at your ignorance and foolishness
To feel one's pain; to feel one's joy
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Thanks again for the suggestions. I heavily cut it again and changed that stanza for you, niteowl
Okay, first off, too many to's in the second stanza. I think it is part of the reason why as Incandescence said, this poem seems so unemotional.
Here's my rewrite idea. If you don't like it, fine, but please get rid of all those to's!
Let them cry on your shoulder,
Bleed on your limpidness,
Tear at your heart.
Love someone
In death and life,
And care for them before yourself.
I agree with what Incandescence said about limpidness and deadness. Are those even words? I changed deadness to dead, but I wasn't even sure how to change limpidness.
I agree with Duskglimmer, except I think you could split that last line. Plus you could probably take out the last stanza, which is just repetitive. And you could split the longer lines in your whole poem.
Thanks for the honesty and suggestions Incandescence. I appreciate it
Try to evade words that end in "ness." Such as "deadness," which has got to be the stupidest word I have ever heard.
This poem was not very...mmm...emotionally or logically appealing to your readers. It just, kind of began, and then kind of ended, with nothing in-between. You should work on imagery and metaphorical abuse first and foremost then start telling us how the world works. I'm not a fan.
Thanks for your reply, Monkey, but I was wondering if you could point hte subplot out to me. That would help me revise it. Gracias
Wow...the beginning was amazing, simply amazing. Just how a poem should be, to lure a reader into the story and make him/her keep guessing and wanting to read more and more. That part was very, very good, but soon I realized that the topic was getting a big nonsensical and it started fading out, soon a new sub-topic was formed. I don't know if you actually wanted it to be that way, but it seemed strange for a poem.
Overall it was pretty good. The ending was a little choppy and didnt really go well, but the beginning was awesome.
Yes. Tis more readable now.
There we are. I cut it a little. Is that better, Firestarter?
It started well, but soon faded into nonsense repetition. Most of the stanzas in this poem woulcd be deleted and it would improve greatly. It would no longer be laborious and boring to read, and would get to the point quick and sharp rather than lecturing the same thing over and over like a 90-year-old teacher. So yeh, if you learn to compress and truncate your poetry, and make it much more succinct, this would be much better.
I really liked this in the beginning, but the repetition got a little old by the end. But for the most part I really liked this. I partticularly liked this stanza:
Being a friend is not a joyride
It is a challenge, a journey
Where the prize is sometimes difficult to see
But when worst comes to worst
And your defenses fall
You will look back and laugh at your ignorance and foolishness