Final Lullaby

Thanks for the comment, Matt, but this is really old. Again, thank you for your comment, but I'm going to lock this. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

A sad poem but very nice. Structured well with great vocabulary , your very good! kind of poem that sticks on your mind.

I don't think you should change anything about the piece. Your right, it was simple, but that's what made it so good. I think it would almost ruin the piece by complicating it. Great job.

I really do think you should add some elaboration on it. You shouldn't have to explain the poem to the reader, and if you somehow include that of the grandmother and grandaughter, then you'd be cool.
But overall, I thought it was great.

The revised version is definitely better. I think the grandmother's thoughts/message to her granddaughter work much better when they're in italics and unspoken.

I would change:
When my tears fall
And splatter on her pale face
Shining whiter than the white walls or white beds


To:
Tears fall
And splatter on her pale face,
An impossible white
More albino than the walls that surround
Or the bed where her frail body rests

Or something like that.

I did like: "But she cannot speak through the mask that keep her alive" because you carried across the meaning well, but didn't have to resort to any kind of medical lingo.

The closing three stanzas carry great potential to be really, really powerful, but I think you need to do a bit of rewording.

Maybe try something like:

"Don't close your eyes, Grandma,"
My sobs echo off the cold walls as I plead:
"Please don't go."
She inhales softly, gently...

Dear child of mine
This is my last sigh
So sing for me
One final lullaby

She exhales, and is gone."

Well, actually, I guess I just like the "and exhales" because it leave you kind of thinking, "Hey wait a second!" since it's so abrupt.

Regardless, you did a good job with this.

I loved the simplisity of it. It's a very rare thing, I find, to see such simplisity that doesn't fall flat. And this doesn't. The stanzas you added aren't really necessary. It;s better to have them there in the subtext, but not actually said.

I tried adding the story stanzas as well. Tell me how you like it



Solemn eyes watering silently
Glistening as her soft smile fills my gaze
Tears well in my eyes for her time is now near

I want to hear her last few breaths
To see her last tear fall to the ground
Her eyes flicker strangely

Please stay nearby
You know I try
To not let your memory
Pass me by

When my tears fall
And splatter on her pale face
Shining whiter than the white walls or white beds

Her face falls
And her mouth opens as if to say something
But she cannot speak through the mask that keep her alive

Do not cry
My tears are dry
Just hold my hand
And say goodbye

"You're going to live grandma!"
I beg her, "You have to live."
She smiles beneath her mask

She's been so dear to me
All these years
I can't bear the thought of her leaving

No need to lie
Let me die
I know I sleep
To my home on high

She closes her eyes
And her compassionate smile
Fades to one of relaxation

"Don't close your eyes grandma!"
I sob, "Don't scare me!"
She inhales softly, gently

Dear child of mine
This is my last sigh
So sing for me
One final lullaby

And exhales

I like this alot. It's simple and sweet and... soothing, or something.

The thing you said with story stanzas might be interesting, maybe if they didn't rhyme and just this part did? It's cool just how it is though.

In a modification of what emotion less said, in this part:

Do not cry
Let me die
Just hold my hand
And say goodbye

No need to lie
My tears are dry
I know I sleep
To my home on high

You could try switching the "Let me die" and "My tears are dry" lines. I dunno though.

Nice job. I really liked it.

I know I sleep
To my home on high

I think this should be changed to: To my home up high, but that's just my thoughts.

It was pretty simple, but in this case, it worked with the poem. A suggestion...

For this part

Do not cry
Let me die
and this part
No need to lie
My tears are dry

I think you should switch the last lines, so that it would be

Do not cry
My tears are dry
and
No need to lie
[Just] Let me die.

It makes a little more sense because in the first part, you're talking about crying, so the grandmother is reassuring the daughter that she shouldn't cry... and... yeah...