Song of the Exile (revised by suggestions)

All right, I revised it attempting to use all your suggestions, though it was impossible to use all of them.

Thank you so much, guys!!!!
This is probably the most feedback I've gotten on a poem and I really, really, REALLY appreciate it!!!

Thanks for pointing out that part about not being able to identify, Incandescence. I would have never noticed that on my own.

This was far too long for a casual reader. The rhyming of the stanzas wasn't very good. Mind you, it wasn't terrifically lame or boring, but it didn't contribute anything to the poem, either. I think you should get rid of it and go completely freeverse.

Also, this wasn't particularly original; the idea, that of exile, is expressed in many poems, many times in quite the same way. The point you were trying to drive home, here, also seemed a digression, of sorts, into a preachy sermon about our incapability to truly feel "exile" or the pain of the exiled. I think you could have somehow personalized this piece, so the reader has something to identify with other than the fact that he can not identify.

I think you could have gotten your point home in three stanzas, if you tried, which, if done right, would be far more effective.

I have never read a poem closer to a Bon Jovi song than that one...

Writersdomain wrote:Song of the Exile
A missing place
Within my heart
One I cannot escape --- Hmm, that sounds really awkward compared to the whole flow of the poem. You need to make it a little shorter, I think, or put comma after "heart".

It tortures my soul
I am not whole --- This also doesn't go with the whole flow of the poem. Theres not rhyming like this anywhere else.

No comfort shall I take

I look back on my homeland
Abounding with memory and happiness
What happened to it all?
How did it come to this O’Lord?
Oh when Lord did I fall? ---This stanza doesn't capture the whole theme as the others do. And does a very poor job on rhyming. I think you should really ommit this one.

When I see my home --- You also wrote "home" in the first line of the 2nd stanza, so it feels kind of awkward.

All the memories of old
I no longer see the flowers and goodness --- This line is very blocky, and too long.
I see anger and sadness
My own grief and pain
Now that my time there is through
The old happiness I cannot feign --- Wow, this line is amazing. It fits so well with the whole theme and does a really, really great job on the rhyming.

There’s no escaping my destiny
No matter how much it hurts
There is no turning back
For the exile in the wild --- Uh, I don't really get this line. Why is there exile in the wild? And shouldn't there be an "in"?

Only the road ahead
The path is hard to track --- This line does not fit in at all. Are you know talking about hunting, or going somewhere (running away?)?

A dream it may seem ---I liked this one. The rhyming is well done.
To be out on your own
But once the realization comes to pass
Your ambitions never shone --- The rhyming here is also very good.
The life of an exile
Is no such pleasant as tales
Although storytellers heighten its beauty
It punctures like a nail

If only I could just turn back
And change it all again
Show them who I really am
What would they think of me then? --- This whole stanza was pretty blocky compared to the whole theme. And it seemed a bit awkward and corny throughout it.

Born to be an exile
Sounds odd and unfair to any
It’s the way that life works in this world
Predestination for those many

My whole life spent in dreams
Not that they’re in vain --- Doesn't make that much sense. The dreams are in vain, or they *are* vain?
Now all I want to do is go back
And escape this onrushing pain --- The rhyming is good, I guess.

Exile

The word strikes up the curiosities of hearts
To dream of exile, free of so many
But those who have gone through it
Will give up any
To come back to the world they once loved.
To cherish and believe once more
To love the land I had once known
And thrive not in the darkness of the mourning dove

Exile
The word no common man really knows


(I'm looking for suggestions, criticism and a way to make this shorter without lessening the depth of the message. thank you)

I think you shouldn't change it all! It's very beautifully written an you've done a great done showing the message. Personally I like it a lot that I wouldn't change a thing. Nice job.

I wouldn't say it's too long. I do however, think you're saying the same thing several times in different ways. What you could do to make this better is show us what the narrator is leaving behind. Why does he have to leave, anyway? And what made his homeland so wonderful?

However, wonderful diction, and when it did rhyme, it flowed very well.

Thank you for your suggestions, ohhewwo. It is very much appreciated

Well, technically it is freeverse, because not all of the stanzas have the same amount of lines. Freeverse poetry always has the same rhyme scheme in each stanza (for instance, ABAB\CDCD... At least if it dose rhyme) and the same amount of lines in each stanza, and follows a certain set of "rules" throughout. But, yes, I think you should make it unrhyming, and I'm shure niteowl will agree.

Thanks for the suggestions...
Do you think I should just ditch the rhyming, niteowl and make it free verse? I think it would be perhaps a little more flowing without the rhyme but I like the first stanza with it. Hm...

There's a lot more rhyming than that, ohhewo. It's forced all over! The first stanza works, but the lines that you force to end in "any" and "many" when you could probably find a better word don't work.

I liked the ending though.

This is a nice piece.

I think you should rephrase the last line in the fourth stanza. It just dosen't sound very poetic.

Also, in the first stanza, you sort of have an accidental rhyme scheme. At least, it sounds a bit like one.

But overall, it was a good poem. Keep writing.