Young Writers Society

Uhm...
I thought it was a good story!
But you carried on the sentances WAY to much.
But well done anyway!

*keep rockin*

-Megithh

Thunderstorm

On the interstate one dismal afternoon "OF one dismal afternoon"
All seemed too peaceful and quiet
The swollen clouds rolled and churned
The smell of rain enriched the heavy air - rid of heavy
The gray sky darkened
Shadowing the weeping earth
Inside a metal car, it felt too secure
The silence preceding the first, fateful strike
I felt shielded from the battles of creation
The battles of the heavens
Though it was not so
Darker now, the gray, dreary clouds dispersed
Throughout the moaning sky
Stretching across a wide expanse
Where sunlight once danced
An approaching shadow
An unbidden shade
Apprehension weighted the countenance of those below
Our fear fed the horror of the approaching storm
A frail, thin string about to snap under the weight of the power of creation
A knot formed in my stomach
I spotted the eerie forms of the clouds
They clawed up at the sky
Their thin, desperate fingers reaching out
Shrieking in unison
As wind as it groaned in agony
Intimidating the small creatures of the earth
Fright turned to dread as the heavens roared
The drenched and glistening road trembling at the sound
As it echoed throughout
Black crystals started to fall from the sky
Catapulted from the clouds
Shattering on the terrified ground
Pelting our windshield
At the titanic clash of dominant wills
Yhe thunder bellowed in fury = Turn "Y' to "T"
The coils of darkness convulsed and churned
The angry clouds thirsting for vengeance
Fright consumed me like a hungry fire
Burning and singing any resolve I harbored
“Save me, save me,” I whispered
I buried my moist face in my clammy hands
Thunder roared again, echoing distantly
Lightning struck
The hero’s stroke to the enemy’s darkness
The lightning, magnificent and terrifying flooded our small world
A small trail of shadows scarred the swollen clouds
And then, a miracle was performed before my very eyes
The angry clouds split suddenly and allowed a bright
Radiant light to filter through
The storm clouds fled
At the sight of the great luminescent sphere
An air of magnificence enveloping them
Beam of light danced over the black clouds
Glittering in triumph as they breached the defeated the storm - rid of the last "the"
I stared, dumbfounded, up at the great light as it waltzed through the sky
Relief flooded my tight heart
“Is this you?” I whispered hoarsely as I stared, mesmerized and perplexed
Soon, an arch stretched over the sky - rid of the comma
Basking in the saving sunlight
An arch of crimson, gold, forest, ocean, and violet
An arch greater than any of the ancients
I knew such a wonder could not be molded by the coarse hands of man
Only one great ruler could have formed the skies
Caressed the clouds
Dominating us small creatures with his majesty
This is I, an unmistakable voice echoed in my mind
Mercy, grace. This is I
No words can ever describe that day
When my prayer clashed with the nature of the earth
And my prayer won…
It was him
The Creator


Wow. So suspenseful, my stomach was churning. WHATS GUNNA HAPPEN?
Some mistakes of grammer here and there, but nothing to make the poem less awesome then it is.
Did I mention the poem is awesome?
'Cuz it is.
It's almost lunchtime (I'm in school) And you just made me like, want to die. I'm so hungry now (thanks to that churning I mentioned before)
KEEP WRITING!

um, maybe you could have ended it in a joke, like "then God came down from the sky, and he gave me a bag of fritos, and he said, "though shalt not consumeth the yellow crystals of the snow from right there where the huskeys GoOoO!

Otherwise, can't think of anyway to improve it or change it. And do NOT try what I just suggested. Your work is grandiose, and the best poem of its kind that I think I've ever read, minus a little bit of Poe. Excellently done.

Okay, now I can edit this

As wind as it groaned in agony

Yhe thunder bellowed in fury

Alright, I edited it That should be a little better

WAY TOO LONG LINE ALERT! WAY TOO LONG LINE ALERT! BEEP BEEP!

It's like I'm reading a story! Either change this into a real short story and post it in the Fiction forum or split your lines. A lot could be split into two or even three lines. I'll let you reread it and decide where best to split it, since there's so many. But I'll be nice and do the longest line for you.

The derenched and glistening road
Trembling at the sound
As it reverberated throughout.

Actually I think you should say echoed or some other synonym in place of reverberated. It's kinda long and clunky.

Good poem, but SPLIT THE LINES, PLEASE!

This is a true story I wrote about when a thunderstorm rolled over me. I used to be deathly afraid of him and they still do frighten me. Hope you enjoy it
-writersdomain