Young Writers Society

...you do realize this is four years old?

*Locked*

What the... Really? Wait, your name is purple, does this mean what it means on TW? Are you a moderator? Oh my... Wha... really? Hahaha. Kind of funny. They told me things were bad but...

First, drop your current scheme. Why? You don't know how to work it because of a painful lack of image. Image should be conducted as a tapestry, a moving carousel of image that allows any depth to be seen from any side. Like a diamond.

Currently, you're only beginning to brush surface area. Your metaphor, and image, are flat and lack the emotional impact you need to carry a point like this home. Keep whatever you're writing about, by no means throw that out, but scrap your delivery, the packaging.

Start with a single image that bears a liking to your desired emotional impact and start painting from there. As you connect images make sure to place emphasis on ACTIVE VERBS and any idea that anthropormoprhizes the entire interaction into something archetypal enough to strike a chord, but subtle enough to fall from the guise of trite.

If you've any questions, or even a "what the hell I am good and respected here for my writing!" feel free to leave em in my PM box.

It is sad how greatly child abuse can affect a person...

Anyway
Nice Poem...I liked it I thought it was cool how you switched the point of view. It shows what the girl thinks of herself, and what she truly is.
It flowed pretty well, although some of the rhyming seemed forced.

for example...

"Even if I were

To escape this fate

No love will ever

Reach my face"


Maybe you should change the last line to make it flow better??
i don't know... just a suggestion

I can't exactly help you with punctuation because i would give you false corrections or something.
Keep up the good work =]

This was so beautiful and sad. I love how you start out as the girl and it's all sad, then you're telling the girl she is wonderful and can move on.

I dread my future
I can’t bear my past
I almost wish
These breaths would be my last

Even if I were
To escape this fate
No love will ever
Reach my face

She’s a candle, a treasure
A child and a life
A hope beyond measure
A flicker of light

She can love; she can feel
If she believes she can
Strive forward and not look back
Bury the death she has banned

I liked it, but also...the rhyming seemed sort of forced. And also it seems like you maybe could have conveyed your message to a deeper sense. But it was cool.

Thank you very much for your suggestions/criticism everyone. They mean a lot to me.
Yeah, this is a revised version of a poem I wrote a long time ago so it is a very different style and needs a lot of work. Thank you again.

Personally, I thought this poem was so-so. The lines in italics were kind of...I don't know, just too slow for me. I loved the last two stanzas though, those were awesome.

I loved the two lines, "who am I, but a jumble of scars?" I thought that was really well done and creative.

Cool poem...could use some work to it though, because I'm not really seeing your style come out in it very much. Only in some parts...

Yeah, it an an innocent quality to it which added to the poem. Good concept, well expressed.

I don't know about anyone else, but this had me crying... The language could have been more descriptive, but it was good..There was an innocence to it, which was good as it was from the childs point of view. I liked it, but don't really have anything else to say.

My aim is for this not be your standard child abuse poem. I am hopeful it will be different. Any suggestions/criticism? I welcome it gladly!