Sheltered (revised)

I agree with everyone else and their crit. I did like this but it need improvment. I really liked the first few lines:

Locked away in the towers of safety
Shackled to protection’s prison
As you watch your world crumble to ashes
They gag you but refuse to guard your eyes
You observe the effects of destructive choices
But cannot change them in any way

That's just great. Keep it up!

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. When I have more time, I'll edit it

I liked it. When I read the first line, my mind immediately pictured one of those classic stories that starts with, "Once upon a time..." This isn't a bad thing. When you write, you try to have images come up into your readers heads. Now, there are few writings that do this to me, especially on young writer's websites. No offense to people here or on TYWC, but to have a vivid image come into my head is very hard. You have managed to get an image in my head, the first line no less. And without using prententious 14 syllable words that writers so commonly like. *shakes head*

The last line is the only thing I don't like. You seem to be repeating yourself, but to no effect. I'm not quite sure how it can be better, but I have a couple of solutions you might want to try out.

+ Circular method works well. That is, you go from one point to another until you end up -- right where you started. In this case, you would want to start in a high tower of safety.

+ What does misery represent to you? Describe it in this poem.

Anyway, good job.

This was an interesting poem, particularly because I felt - at least in the beginning - that I could kind of relate to what you were saying. However! As you say, there is much room for improvement here.

Locked away in the towers of safety
Shackled to protection’s prison

I like this bit. Contrary to what Chevy says, I personally think these two lines fit perfectly as is.

As you watch your world crumble to ashes
They gag you but refuse to guard your eyes
You observe the effects of destructive choices
But cannot change them in any way

Last line is a bit out of sync. I like "they gag you but refuse to guard your eyes". Clever.

They chain you in their cells of sanctuary
And force you to watch what you could have changed

Well...this is a bit repetitive.

As tears course down your face
They wipe them away and say soothing words
While forcing deeper into their abyss

Uh, well...no. If you want emotion, dont show the outward expressions of emotion so much. It makes the reader distant. How does it feel inside? Thats what we want to know. Tears and abyss are cliche. Shouldnt there be another "you" in the last line? Also - "say soothing words"?????? Watch it! You're getting sloppy.

But these are not tears of horror
No, they are tears of misery
The misery of a sheltered life
This unabating misery

Yeah I have to agree with nightowl. Repetitive again. Also, this stanza seems kind of...tacked on. Out of the blue. An afterthought. You know what I mean? The thought is good, but it needs to be tied into the flow of the poem more. The ending needs WAY more impact. I'd like to see some more vivid imagery in the whole poem - less linear thought, more abstract. Emotions arent logical. Thats why this seems so passionless: you're too devoted to the 'story' that nobody understands anyway. Who are 'they'? What cant 'you' change? It needs more art and less obscurity.

My complaints notwithstanding, I do identify with the underlying theme here. It needs ot be teased out into the open a bit more - perhaps some metaphors and similes beyond those of 'towers' and 'prison'? What about shells, and cells, and ropes and chains? Specify what is holding you back. Amplify the emotion. You have a powerful subject here - work with it!

"Locked away in the towers of safety
Shackled to protection’s prison"

It seemed like there should have been something in between that.

Thanks everyone. I'll try to do those things

Not bad. I agree that it could be more emotional. For that, you need to dig deep within yourself and think of what it's like to be in this situation, and how that makes you feel. Make it personal, not just some anonymous "you" people can't connect to. And what was the thing this person was watching that s/he could have changed?

Anyway, it's a good start. You could do something great with it with a few revisions.

I agree that it's a beautiful poem, except for the constant repetition of misery. There are plenty of synonyms. Check a thesaurus if you must. Other than that, awesome!

OMG!!! I think this is a beautiful poem. Its exppresive but also gives you a good image in your head of what's going on! Well done!!

~Lollipop~