The City of Time

All right, here is the original for anyone who'd like it see it:

A cold and desolate bell tower
Rusted bells clanging together in bitter defeat
The rolling waves lap against the weeping docks
Shards of despair scatter along the mourning streets

Return to a magnificence forgotten by time
To a majesty massacred
A beauty shattered
Love slain
Joy deprived

Rebuild the city and walls of time
Revive the ineffable buildings of greatness
Restore the ancient beauty of a time long passed
Showcase the splendor of a time to come
With the memories of old

Return to a magnificence forgotten by time
To a majesty massacred
A beauty shattered
Love slain
Joy deprived

Dare to oppose the ways of life
Dare to dream the impossible
Rebuild a time that has already passed
Revive the love that once existed
Restore the amazement that shone in hope's face
Showcase the splendor of a time to come
With the memories of old

Then return to a magnificence treasured by time
To a majesty revived
A beauty rebuilt
Joy restored

I read this, but then I read that you edited with all of their suggestions. I can't comment on this becasue I don't which parts you really wrote or what they suggested. I would really like to read the original!

I recently discovered you can edit poems, so here it is edited with all of your suggestions...

I loved this, but you really didn't have to repeat this stanza.

Return to a magnificence forgotten by time
To a majesty massacred
A beauty shattered
Love slain
Joy deprived

It's kind of weird...unless you wanted this to be a song...yeah I'd bet it'd be a great song.

I am completely in love with this poem. It's one of the most exceptional pieces of work I have layed eyes on. No criticisms, I'm sorry. Honestly, I'm gaping at the page. It is beautiful. Magnificent. Dazzling. So wonderfully wonderful I wish it was mine. Okay I'll stop because you're new and not used to being freaked out by people's comments. Awesomeness.

By the way, I'm Ravenna, the language guru. I know Romanian, Swahili, English, Spanish, French and a little Greek. And I live in Craiova, Romania, in the Black Lands. It's pretty here.

Firestarter...we're all cliche to a degree. [/code]

like nickelpickle, i havent seen any of your other stuff
either so i cant compare...

however after reading this i already think you must be
pretty good at poetry - i like the feel of this and it gives
a lot of images!

maybe 'crash' would be a better word than 'lap', if you
say 'lap' then it sounds a bit too serene for this
sort of poem - it's obviously not meant to be particularly
serene or happy or peaceful... this is a reflective poem
and i think its been done well.

if i can think of any more ways to improve this which
hasnt been said already then i'll post again...

~KayJuran~

This was quite good. However I felt the 'joy deprived' etc stanzas very cliche and good do with some more originality inserted, following the suit of the other stanzas which bled emotion and pumped your feelings through (that's the second, and second to last stanzas).

Oh, and it is a general rule to comment on two poems before you post one of your own. Same for stories, really.

Thank you for your criticism, nickelpickle and thank you Sam for your encouragement.
I already love this place. At the old writer's place I was at, there was next to no constructive criticism. It was all I like, don't like, hate, or I think it's stupid's. Thank you again.
-writersdomain
PS: Is there a limit to how many things you can post because I have a lot of new stuff

Return to a magnificence treasured by time
To a majesty revived
A beauty rebuilt
Joy restored

A cold and desolate bell tower
Rusted bells clanging together in bitter defeat
The rolling waves lap against the weeping docks
Shards of despair scatter along the mourning streets

Okay...first of all, i didn't like the word "lap" in the third line. Maybe crash or something... I ike the rest, but it wasn't a really strong beginning to me. I would suggest beginning it differently and possibly just replacing this.

Return to a magnificence forgotten by time
To a majesty massacred
A beauty shattered
Love slain
Joy deprived

Gorgeous
Athough, I think that if you wre going to repeat the stanza, you should have spread it out a bit more. I mean, it is great way to tie a poem together, but it just annoyed me...

Restore the amazement that filled their faces

Whose faces?

Return to a magnificence treasured by time
To a majesty revived
A beauty rebuilt
Joy restored

I didn't like your last line, dunno why.

I really loved this poem, despite my criticism. I look forward to reading more of your work.

--Nicole

Of course, I haven't really read much of your stuff, so I don't have anything to compare it to, but I thought this was really good. It's very interesting, very unique. Different from what we usually get on here! lol

*gah* I know the feeling of being new...but you'll be right at home here, I can tell you that.

This is my first post, so I am very clueless as to what this is all about. I would be honored if someone could comment on this... or is that what these are posted for? ugh
-writersdomain