Sonnet of the Soul

Hello WaltzingDreams, Nunya here for review time! I really don't have any nit picks here. I will say this maybe put some periods and commas at the beginning stanzas, so that people can tell where your thoughts begin and end. But I will say, "Yay, awesome, superb, terrific, amazingly cool, and dramatic!" Keep writing and NEVER get discouraged!

~Nunyabusiness

Hey, lovely! Here to review, of course.

The first thing I notice in this poem is that it's a Shakespearean sonnet -- which means, of course, iambic pentameter and all that jazz. So the second thing I notice is that your syllable stresses are all off. While you have ten syllables per line (ish), they don't all read like they should in iambic pentameter. Your first line, for example, reads in iambic form (asterisks marking stressed syllables), "the *eyes* o*pen* but *see* no*thing* this *day*", which does read awkwardly when you try to fit it into this format. An important thing to remember is where the syllabic stress falls naturally with each word -- for example, in the word "open", you put more stress on "o" than "pen", but in your poem, it's reversed.

Your second line doesn't actually sound too bad with the iambic form, but your third line... I don't even know how to read it, and that's probably a bad thing. The key with iambic pentameter is that it's supposed to be very easy to read -- the stresses are like a heartbeat, and the words roll off the tongue because of the stress-release pattern. As it is, your third line opens with "curse THE", which is the opposite of the normal stresses on that phrase.

As it is, it feels like you shoved a free-verse poem into an iambic pentametric format because you wanted it to be a sonnet, or you just shoved a normal rhyming poem into this format. With either of those, you still want to watch your flow and your syllable count per line to make sure that it's easy to read, but with this, your very word choices have to form around the structure to ensure the comfort of reading a sonnet.

As well, this sonnet goes from old-timey syntax and diction ("like this aimless soul without thee") to very modern-esque lines ("I wonder if you're as broken as me"), which would not exist in a Shakespearean sonnet if you were attempting a period type piece. ("as me" in that line should be "as I", by the way.) It feels very stilted, and your rhymes -- while they aren't horribly off -- are just as awkward with your syllabic patterns.

You've captured (mostly) the pentameter, but not the iambic part. I'd suggest you relook this, rethink your word choice, scan for more modern lines if you want to make this feel more period, and make sure you know what you're doing when it comes to exceptions to the iambic rule. Even the Bard only used them every so often, and only when he needed to make specific emphasis on a line or word.

Your images, though, are pretty nice and I feel like with a bit of touching up, this poem could sound really cool to read, on the page or out loud. Definitely, keep writing!

Hey, WaltzingDreams. Margo Seuss here for a review. You did a great job portraying the aura of one with a broken soul. Your words drip with melancholy...which is good! It takes great skill to induce a feeling in others with words. You nailed it!

The next step would be to edit for flow. Flow is difficult to achieve. My advice would be to count the syllabols in your ryming couplet lines. Close syllabols between lines usually acheives good flow.

For example:

The eyes open but see nothing this day

Your hovering existence chill to dead

Curse the infuriating words they say

Today: to shame me of this life I’ve led

Living in regret, I curse my reasons

Music turned to noise, my soul scourged in hell

Take pity and silence my demons

Leave me and, for sure, I am dead as well

Hello!
First off I loved it! I could really sense your emotion in this piece! It really came to life for me. Although I defiantly think you could reword a couple of words! And defiantly punctuation at the end. It just keeps going (which isn't a bad thing) but adding a period here and there would really add some emphasize on some of the more powerful parts!
Hopefully this helped!

HEY Fancy here! xD

haha Wow, powerful. Alot of interesting words used. The style was great and refreshing! There are some weird lines though that disrupts the flow. So maybe reread it. also you start to use punctuation at the end but do not continue it through out.

LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINES I LIKED!!!!

Living in regret, I curse my reasons
Music turned to noise, my soul scourged in hell
Take pity and silence my demons
Leave me and, for sure, I am dead as well

Well over all well done keep up the great work.

Hello! Though I agree that this poem is sad, it is still a great poem. It really shows depression, possibly after a break up? I'm in school, but i'd like to end with this. despite some feeble attempts, I've never been that great of a poet. This poem is better than any that I'll ever write.