"Oh Mags, you scroll worrying that,
In the end, you'll just annoy them.
Or that you'll just embarrass yourself,
Wasting time on people who won't reply..."
I mutter to myself.
* * *
Why must it always be like this?
I text back when I can.
I help you with your English when I can.
I save you from your boredom when I can.
DAMMIT, IF I'M BUSY I'LL LET YOU KNOW!
I will tell you!
I will politely decline!!!
I will set up a date when we could--
*the seven note piano ringtone plays*
. . . someone gave a thought....?
I AM SO HAPP----
.
.
"Hi! You've used up your data allocation. Please register again to...."
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139,227 Literary Works • 672,517 Reviews
Hello, WaltzingDreams! I'll be reviewing your poem today.
I understand what you were trying to convey here and it has a lot of potential so I have some suggestions that may be of help to you.
Personally, I didn't find it too humorous, but then again humor is a subjective concept. I think this was mainly due to the punctuation used.
"Oh Mags, you scroll worrying that,
In the end, you'll just annoy them.
Or that you'll just embarrass yourself,
Wasting time on people who won't reply..."
I mutter to myself.
I found that the poem began quite abruptly and there were too many commas which disrupted the flow of the sentence. I would remove the comma in the first line at the end, and I feel it would be even better if the word, "In" didn't have a capital, "I" and I would also remove the comma after the word, "end". I know those are stylistic preferences but these suggestions would greatly help the flow. The word, "Or" begins as if it is still within a sentence despite the full stop. Moreover, the line "I mutter to myself" didn't quite seem to fit , perhaps expressing it a bit differently.
"Why must it always be like this?
I text back when I can.
I help you with your English when I can.
I save you from your boredom when I can.
DAMMIT, IF I'M BUSY I'LL LET YOU KNOW!
I will tell you!
I will politely decline!!!"
This stanza here felt like a rant to me, there's a lot of exclamation marks which aren't needed and in addition you have capitalisation and an exclamation mark within the same sentence which was too much emphasis. I would suggest also breaking up this stanza a bit so it doesn't read so much like a list or rant (for lack of a better word).
"Hi! You've used up your data allocation. Please register again to...."
However, I did like this line in your poem. So well done and keep writing!
Hope this helped.
This is a light-hearted poem, and I could relate to it. I enjoyed reading it.
I felt that, that broke the rhythm of your poem.
In the first stanza, instead of addressing yourself in third person, change it to first so "I mutter to myself" is not needed.
Try:
I keep scrolling down, worrying
That I'll only annoy them.
Or that I'll just embarrass myself
Wasting time on people who won't reply.
That looks cleaner. You can also do another stanza explaining why you won't text people. That'll make it flow better.
In the second stanza, you have made the text bold. Is it for a particular effect?
I liked how you interrupted the speaker's narration to bring her back to the reality. I wasn't expecting the ending, so that's another plus point.
Overall, well done! It's difficult to write humor and I felt that you gave it a good attempt. You just need to polish it a little and it'll be even better.
Good luck, and keep writing!