Stress. Fatigue. Vertigo.
Rooms spin, visions blur.
Sounds fade and stomachs turn.
As you fall into unconscious inferno.
*
Cold sweat runs down your brow.
Black specks dance in your eyes,
It was the dull, familiar pain you despise
You know, you can't fight it now.
*
You slip into unconsciousness,
Unknowing if this was your last breath.
You tiptoe between life and death.
More terrifying than any other darkness.
*
Then, you awake.
Tired from nothing.
And too weak for anything.
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140,110 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
Hey Waltzing!
I loved this poem. It was great, very descriptive, and emotional as well. I just had three little things I wanted to mention.
I noticed you had this awesome rhyme scheme going on, but not in this stanza. You may want to change it, however, I do love the flow of this part when I read it so it's completely up to you.
[/quote] Black specs dances in your eyes, [/quote]
Tiny typo here, should be dance not dances.
[/quote] Unknowing if this was your last breath. [/quote]
I'm not sure if you want to use is rather than was err, as you've been writing in present tense this whole time.
Other than that, this is very beautiful! Rather sad and slightly morbid, but I love it.
-Falco
Dear WaltzingDreams,
But I can relate to vertigo, that much is sure. Everything around you spins and nothing stops it, especially since closing your eyes makes it even worse.
First off, I am not anemic; I tend to have a hearty appetite.
Once, while in one of these spells I thought I fell off the bed. When everything settled, I realized I just turned on my side and it actually FELT like I hit the floor.
I'm not generally good at finding mistakes in poems, but I like to try and understand and relate to every poem I read; as best as I can. This one I liked very much because it speaks about something that many people have had to deal with. Poem readers not only look for inspiration, but sometimes just something they can relate to and feel less alone. This is one of those poems!
Great work.
~Rose
This gave me serious déjà vu to a time I passed out from dehydration and exhaustion and fell down some stairs. It was a lot like what you describe and I think you captured the experience very well.
Little bitty nitpick:
"Black specs dances before your eyes"
It should be:
"Black specks dance before your eyes"
But other than that, awesome job on the descriptions especially.
Hello WaltzingDreams! CelticThunder1438 here to review some of your work! Let me just say that this poem was actually kind of cool, coming from a person who has passed out before. Just a couple weeks ago actually, so the experience is still in my head. \
First off let me just say, from the way you wrote it, that you have experienced passing out before also xD
When I passed out my little three year old nephew was with me and he kept poking my head and saying over and over again "Auntie are you alive? Auntie? Did you die?" It was really adorable and cute <3
My favorite line of yours was these,
"You slip into unconsciousness,
Unknowing if this was your last breath.
You tiptoe between life and death.
More terrifying than any other darkness."
Awesome job! Keep up the good work!
~Selina
P.S. - I do eat a lot though