It feels a bit lonely
it feels like being held a bit
it feels insulated-
but with much release.
It is cold
and sometimes warm
Mostly a great deep abyss
from which we gouge our purpose.
Hey.Well, I have to agree with Rydia. It seems incomplete. I don't think it explains enough. Is it talking about the sky? It doesn't make it clear. I don't mean to be mean, or nit-picky, but I think you should redo it, so that it runs together more, and is more descriptive.KRose
Hi there Urban! Okay so you have an interesting piece here but it doesn't feel finished? I'm not sure that the poem gives a strong enough image/ emotion/ thought provoking reaction as it currently stands. Let's take a look at your lines, shall we?It feels a bit lonelyit feels like being held a bit [These two statements are too general and not contrasting enough to create an affect but too contrasting to work with each other. Also, I don't like the repetition of 'bit'. It's already such a vague and colloquial word and to use it twice so close together just doesn't work. Instead, think of how it feels lonely or why it feels lonely. What is it about the sky that provokes such a reaction in us? Is it because we see things in the clouds that are almost familiar but not quite? Or because we know everyone is looking up at this same, one sky but we're all so far away from reaching it.]It is coldand sometimes warm [You need to expand on these statements or might do better by combining them? Antithesis can work well in poems but it has to be used right. Perhaps: 'It is a warm icicle' or 'It is the water in the desert'. Obviously they're really quick examples but if you spend soem time thinking about it, I'm sure you'll come up with one that suits you! Like maybe you're into science and want to play around with chemical reactions? Put some piece of yourself into your writing, otherwise it feels too much like a blank canvas.]I think you meant gage in the last line? In general I'm not much of a fan of this as there's a lot of poetry about the sky and what it is and you needed to put a new spin on it. Maybe before writing, sit down and stare up at the sky and ask yourself, what does it make you feel or think? Write everything down. Even if some of it is bizarre or related to a particular cloud you happen to see. It's little details like that which make poetry come alive.Good luck!Heather xxx
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