They say we're going to die in four days.
The earth will end.
We will cease.
No more
of anything.
And tonight I find my brain
in a place that shouldn't matter
because I don't believe
in myths.
I try to call it back
but it refuses
because what if they're right?
What if the earth will end?
What if we really will cease?
What will there be when there's no more
of anything?
And what should you do
with four days to live?
My car sits idle in the driveway.
The keys are hiding in the
bottom
of my purse.
There's a map of The States crumpled
between the seat and the heater
and it reminds me that I could just
leave.
That there's more out there than
little Aberdeen.
The sun is setting again on this
overly-concerned population
but it also caves upon
skeletal children who'd rejoice
if they knew about the rumors
that their pain-stricken lives
are going to cease.
And I've wasted
eighteen years and
two hundred twenty-one days
being too concerned with
having enough money
to buy snacks at school
everyday
and whether or not my
shade of lipstick
is too dark.
I don't care what color red they put onto
my dead lips
because underneath,
they will be gray--
matching the color of
the knowledge I'll die with
and the shade of
all the words I'll have spoken
If I only have
four days to live.
But I don't want to die within
those shades of gray.
I don't want to be afraid
of what I don't know,
where I haven't been,
who I never met,
words I never said.
Because I don't want to lack those things.
In twenty-six hours,
I could be in New Zealand.
In two, I could be standing inside the
White House.
And in a slice
of a second,
I could be
gone.
So maybe it's not a bad thing
that my brain likes the places that shouldn't matter
because in those places, I find
ambition
and the call to be
something greater
and the understanding that
if I only had four days to live,
I'd want to spend them
somewhere far away,
with a pen in my hand
and compassion in my heart.
Hi,
Just wanted to say that I like your poem;
I'd want to spend them
somewhere far away,
with a pen in my hand
and compassion in my heart
Especially the above part, as it isn't obvious straight away that this poem is about writing - and the sense that the poem came from what you were thinking when you wrote it, which is cool :3
Personally, I can't see anything punctuation related/spelling or grammar related. I do wonder though, whether the formatting of some things should be tweaked - like the part were bottom and purse are in the same sentence but on different lines.
But that's more of an opinion than something that actually needs changing,
Anyway, keep on with it, Happy New Year and a Belated Merry Christmas,
Annii
Hey Tiny!
Here again! <3 I just want to say, that this is where the poem really hit a momentum for me:
Just! Absolutely excellent line. Everything before this part can just be scrapped for me - simply because the first two stanzas are more philosophy/more rant, and less focus on image, and it just doesn't hold me in the same emotional capacity. But here, we have scene, we have image - and I'm much more invested. <3 <3 Great, great, great. The voice in this is excellent. The breaks though I'm not /too/ fond of, but I applaud you for your experimentation! I can see that you're really crafting here, you're thinking about where best to have these breaks and how it achieves some sort of form. The problem is that at places it'll come across a bit gimmicky, for example in the above stanza, that break after "the" - is not my favorite because I'll be honest, my own personal taste, I despise breaking a line on the article unless there's a real specific reason xD Mostly because your breaks are the most influential part of the poem - it determines movement, it determines emphasis - and here- leaving "the" hanging leaves it a bit weaker impact. The "bottom" by itself is clever, but that's all it is - in the process you're restricting the flow and rhythm of the poem and I don't see the point of why this line should be emphasized at all, even if you're trying to say that it's the "bottom" of the purse - it doesn't have an emotional impact or anything, so it reads gimmicky. It'd be different if you chose a different word, or if you were trying to achieve a different effect -- like what you did for the word "leave" in the next line. -That was excellent. But then again, where you had "everyday" by itself a bit further down, not so excellent, and not fond of "gone" either - just too predictable by this point.
See, that line needed to be emphasized - because there's emotion there, there's a voice there, there's flow/rhythm, and it made that part just that much more powerful. So, definitely great use of breaking your lines, great use of image - I can see that you have developed and grew much stronger as a poet
I love this piece more than you know. You have a powerful voice and powerful images, and I've reviewed about 20ish poems in something like 24hours, but this one is going to stand out in my mind. I love your passion in this - again, you've got a lot to say. Reign it down. Craft, craft, craft. A poet is a sculptor, and you want to be exact, you want to say as much in as little words as possible. Take some time to develop distance from this and then chop this piece up. Find the heart of the piece, expand that image - and get rid of the rants.
I hope this helps. I would /love/ to discuss this further! So pleeease feel free to ask any questions or if you want me to go more in depth, or do a line by line, I'd be happy to.
~ as always, Audy
Hi dear!
Okay. This feels really choppy. And I know that's what you're going for here, but it feels so choppy I couldn't enjoy it. Honest to goodness, I couldn't read it well, because it was so choppy all I could do was try to figure out what went with what.
I would put this in a stanza by itself. More dramatic that way.
Beautiful line. I just really like it for some reason.
There you go again with choppiness.
Beautiful.
So, at first I hated it for being so choppy, but after I got over that, I realized that you have some beautiful imaginary here. if you fixed how choppy it is, I honestly think it would be a fantastic poem because you have just captured everything I'm sure a lot of people were thinking before the 21st. It was so good, I wanted to bow to you in a way because omg. I'm fangirling.
Fantastic job. xxSparkles
Thank you so much. This was an experiment for me so I appreciate any input you have. I hope you have a wonderful holiday!
Hi TinyDancer!
I really enjoyed this poem! You have some really good phrases and imagery going on here, which works well to support the ideas you're putting forth in the poem. Your use of enjambment is really awesome as well, breaking up your lines in a way that really seems to work for this subject.
The only things I want to comment on, really, are a few odd wordings and some construction issues I had.
'overly-concerned' doesn't sound right here. It kind of threw off the rhythm of the poem, and just didn't quite fit how it should. Try another phrase?
I'd cut the 'everyday'. It doesn't really fit, and again kind of threw off the rhythm of the poem.
Here, I like the lines in general, but I'd cut 'onto' from the end of the first line and make it the beginning of the second. With the enjambment pattern you're using, it seems to fit better that way.
The only other things are the first line, and the last stanza. The first line is kind of awkward. It's a full, long sentence set off from the other parts of the poem. It doesn't fit the rhythm or enjambment pattern, and just seems odd sitting there by itself. Maybe fit it into the beginning of the first full stanza? And cut it like you do for many of the lines in the rest of the poem. The last stanza, then, just seems really really long. I don't know if that place where 'gone' is indented weirdly is supposed to be a stanza break? But I think that's where you want to break up that huge stanza. Actually, looking at it now it's not much longer than the other stanzas, so maybe it doesn't need to be cut? It just looks longer because of that weird 'gone' indentation, I think (and again I don't know if that was intentional or not).
Anyways, I really enjoyed this poem overall! Great job, and I can't wait to see more from you!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Thanks for your suggestions. I agree with you and will try to rework some things.
Ah, this was beautiful. No criticism whatsoever, so this is just a comment. But I'm right there with you on wanting to spend my last days far away with a pen and compassion.
Thank you for your kind comment
I'm glad you liked it.