What is it that pulls me—
beckons me
out of this dark, velvet wasteland?
What creature?
What body?
What force?
A fizzling
pop
breaks the calm waves
of this vast and cloudy expanse
and slowly,
s l o w l y …
I awaken.
Tendrils of golden light
trace the outline of a figure
hunched on the floor,
doubled over its work.
Intent.
Content.
The figure moves.
And the light follows it.
My quarter-opened eyes
cower,
answering the sounds
delivered to my consciousness
in the only way they know how—
unworthily.
You’re talking to yourself
about guitarists
and a songbook lies open
on your knees.
You’re trying not to wake me.
So I pretend to sleep,
squinting my eyes in the daylight that
fills our tiny space
and dances along
the edges
of your shadows,
in hopes that you will continue
bending strings
and talking to yourself
about guitarists.
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138,658 Literary Works • 672,190 Reviews
Tindy D., good evening (in my time zone)! Long time no see. It makes me miss your poetic pieces. Here's a very short review from me on the Dawning.
First is first: THE OPENING STANZA
Well, for me, the style of creation was actually very dramatic. The three consecutive questions really captured my attention, made me wait for the answer which may or may not come in the rest of the piece. The first few verses confused me though. You said that something pulls you away from the wasteland, so that means it's positive, but the nouns you used in the following questions were a bit negative: creature and such. Try changing them to simple yet convincingly docile words.
COHERENCE
Following the first stanza is, of course, the second stanza. Well, if you'd ask me, I think it's actually great. My prob is that it seems too far away from the opening stanza. In fact, it may seem that the piece is detached per stanza! Yes, there is the flow, a progression of story, but the lines transit so fast I was unable to capture the moments! Here's a sample:
The light is evident, seemingly important as you described it. After the figure moves, the idea was simply rejected and unemphasized? See? It tended to jump off to an important scene to another. It's okay to jump and all, but emphasis on important stuff us mandatory so that readers can easily empathize the piece.
Well, that's all for now! It just needs some revisions and it's the best for me!
Good luck writing and merry Christmas!
Your pal,
Al
Thanks for the suggestions! I'll play with the structure a bit when I have time.
Hey!
Well, I really like this poem... it reads very nicely and is just overall very interesting.
Only one thing I picked up on was the structure. It doesn't look right... and that kind of takes away the essence of this being a really nice poem.
Other than that, I don't see anything you can improve on... I think this is truly lovely!
Keep writing,
-Clarity'xo
Thanks for the insight