Hey there! I'm here to leave a review.
So I think this poem is close to making it - you have some specific images you're waving here - and I like the sadness of the ending too - it was unexpected from the rest of the piece.
I have a few suggestions though:
1) The imagery needs to be instrumental.
You used quite a few really random scenes - and at least for me they don't quite lace together into a cohesive narrative.
Normally I'm an advocate for specificity, but in this instance, I think your specificity turned towards randomness - because the details you used didn't seem to be symbolic or meaningful to the story. I understand that non-conventionally romantic details can be described romantically - but you've got to stretch it somehow - or show some sort of adoration through the words rather than just observation.
For instance take this random detail ->
"he writes his name is scrawling letters" == Random, Doesn't add to narrative
versus
"he writes his name meandering, scrawling carefree letters" == Not Random, Adds Character
versus
"he writes his name scrawling, in the same way he talks about us; carefree" == Not Random, Instrumental to narrative/relational development.
I think if you took the "random" details - like being in the country, and the rain etc. and were able to connect them to the larger arc of the story or meaning you're trying to tell, it would make the poem more cohesive and impactful.
This section seemed particularly out of place with the rest of what you were saying:
"Where every word rhymes
Where my life feels clean" -> It just doesn't seem to ever connect back in.
2) I really wish I had a better understanding of how you're using the "djin" term as I'm not familiar with it, but know it has something to do with Islam, it seems very important to the end of the poem though.
Your word choice had an interesting mix of more technically and religious sounding language versus very simple too - it might be fun to consider writing this poem in two different voices if you decide to tackle a revision at all.
Well done, thank you for sharing your poetry! Happy Review Day!
~alliyah
Points: 144550
Reviews: 1227
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