Maybe I found it in another lifetime
My heaven, I mean
Where every word rhymes
Where my life feels clean
I woke up with her
The girl with the laugh
With the eyes that dance
And the voice that purrs
We’re in the country
With so much space, we’re alone
Pleanty of time to just be
With a view of the hills we call home
The smell of rain through open windows
What a wonderful scent, petrichor
I smiled, not sure what for
And watched the last of the night as it goes
I make breakfast
Not well, but she smiles
We’ve no turbulant past
No childhood trials
We were there and then
Oh how I miss it
When the pieces just fit
In that life that happened no-when
A wish for what never was
A prayer for what could still be
But djin have no use for ‘twas
So there’ll be no hillside for me
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey there! I'm here to leave a review.
So I think this poem is close to making it - you have some specific images you're waving here - and I like the sadness of the ending too - it was unexpected from the rest of the piece.
I have a few suggestions though:
1) The imagery needs to be instrumental.
You used quite a few really random scenes - and at least for me they don't quite lace together into a cohesive narrative.
Normally I'm an advocate for specificity, but in this instance, I think your specificity turned towards randomness - because the details you used didn't seem to be symbolic or meaningful to the story. I understand that non-conventionally romantic details can be described romantically - but you've got to stretch it somehow - or show some sort of adoration through the words rather than just observation.
For instance take this random detail ->
"he writes his name is scrawling letters" == Random, Doesn't add to narrative
versus
"he writes his name meandering, scrawling carefree letters" == Not Random, Adds Character
versus
"he writes his name scrawling, in the same way he talks about us; carefree" == Not Random, Instrumental to narrative/relational development.
I think if you took the "random" details - like being in the country, and the rain etc. and were able to connect them to the larger arc of the story or meaning you're trying to tell, it would make the poem more cohesive and impactful.
This section seemed particularly out of place with the rest of what you were saying:
"Where every word rhymes
Where my life feels clean" -> It just doesn't seem to ever connect back in.
2) I really wish I had a better understanding of how you're using the "djin" term as I'm not familiar with it, but know it has something to do with Islam, it seems very important to the end of the poem though.
Your word choice had an interesting mix of more technically and religious sounding language versus very simple too - it might be fun to consider writing this poem in two different voices if you decide to tackle a revision at all.
Well done, thank you for sharing your poetry! Happy Review Day!
~alliyah
Thanks! (Djin is another name for a gene, like, three wishes and whatnot)
Hello Cyr!
Anna here to review.
This is a really great poem you have here.
Let me just say it was a enjoyable read.
The flow and emotions in the poem was absolutely wonderful.
Also I love how you interpreted a story into the poem its very nice.
Your imagery is great because of that and it really goes with the meaning of the poem.
The use of words I felt was very good, you have a real sense of poetry.
But there is one thing I did ketch while I was reading.
You don't really have punctuation, now you may think it doesn't mater much but it actually does.
When writing a poem especially you need to make sure you put in the correct punctuation.
Like look for the places that a line ends, or when you read it out loud were you pause.
Either than that your poem is great.
Keep up the good work!
Happy review day!
Anma
Thanks!
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day.
Okay let's start with the review.
Okay so this is a very well written poem, but I did see you didn't have any punctuation, and by not having any it is a little hard for the reader to pick up the flow you want them to have, also if you don't have any punctuation it makes the poem feel a little rushed, and I know a poem is kind of slow. So maybe add some commas and full stops in.
Okay so that's all the mistakes I could find. So now I can talk about your poem.
I liked everything else about your poem, the emotion you put into it, and what it meant. I think you are a really good poet. I think the length of your poem was really good, I think if you added anymore then you did you may have over did it, but I guess what ever you did it could have worked.
What I think was really good was the name you chose for this poem. I think it was a great fit. It just drew me in and I had to read your poem, so great job.
I really loved reading and reviewing your work for you, I thought your poem was really well written, and I can't wait to see what you will write next, I hope to see more of your works out on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Thanks!
Your welcome.
Nice pun as well.
When did I do the pun? Oh I must have done it in the review somewhere. I didn't even know. XD silly me.