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Lucid 01 [deleted]

by Sureal


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Tue Mar 17, 2009 6:53 pm
Sureal says...



Thanks for the reviews guys. ^_^

Blink:

Haha, I swear you always add on that 'but feel free to disregard everything I've said' thing. XD You really don't need to - you always offer some great advice.

Really, I'm just trying to write a story based around lucid dreaming, but I want a lot of the story to be set in the real world. I wanna try to have the dreams reflect the reality of James' life, and for the dreams to also present a joyful escapism from the boredom and depression of his life. But that comes in later - this bit here is just an introduction to the concept of lucid dreaming (to both James and the reader).


yrclever:

Yeah, this is just an opening to a longer story. (The final story will be somewhere between 3,000 and 4,000 words - this first 800 words is basically an intro.) There'll hopefully be more conflict introduced soon to give the story more of a drive, but it's reassuring to know that you found this bit interesting regardless. ^_^




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Tue Mar 17, 2009 6:20 pm
Master_Yoda wrote a review...



Hi Sureal

This piece of yours is fairly intriguing. This is quite strange as it seems to have no drive whatsoever. It seems to merely account a lucid dream. I'm not sure if you had intended us to read more into the story, but I can certainly say that I didn't. Under normal circumstances, I find pieces without focus to be a nuisance to read. Yet, what makes your story interesting is your lack of focus.

Nevertheless, there are certain things which disrupt the reader, and I don't think it's necessary to write them. For example, you have changed the narration from first person to third person for no apparent reason. It disrupts the flow of the chapter. Is this meant to have more than one chapter to it? If so, I suggest breaking the chapter after the dream, and beginning from "James woke."

Also, James' monologue with himself is fairly off putting. I can clearly see the entertainment value in having it there, but perhaps you want to turn it into thoughts. Or maybe you want to give him a pet to talk to. Right now you've given us the impression that he's just walked off the edge of the moon.

To be perfectly honest, the only thing that kept me reading this, was the piece's weirdarity, together with your interesting writing style. I think you should fill the dream with a little bit of content... But if not, rely on your weirdness to keep the reader's attention by all means. It was enough to keep me reading after all. :)

Have a good one! ;)




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Tue Mar 17, 2009 6:06 pm
Blink wrote a review...



Ooh, lucid dreaming! I love that! Although, sadly, I've only ever done it once. :(

Wanna fall asleep again, he thought,

Yeah, that first bit doesn't need to be in italics, because you're stating that he's thinking it. Actually, it doesn't matter as long as you keep consistent. Basically, change that or this:

I think, This is a dream.


‘I hate school mornings,’ James said

The way that you've written this makes him seem surprisingly concious. I think that another speech tag might be necessary, like "slurred" or even just "said drowsily". Perhaps throw in an ellipsis after "I" or something.

Well, this is a little short so there's not a lot for me to say. The writing flowed well, the dream seemed very real and it was nice and simple. You didn't go too overboard with the descriptions, either. Well done there.

One thing I would say, however, is that there's not a whole of James in here. I know that it's short, but it might be interesting to throw in a little more character development in the dream. In dreams, things become what we know most; if we are scared, maybe our granny will appear holding a shotgun or a clown with a chainsaw. Or not. You get the idea. Define a bit more of him through how he sees and compares things. So yeah; it would mean less time spent worrying about him later on, and we'll feel a little more set up for the rest of the story. We'll care about him, or at least be interested. However, don't describe things in too much detail because it's a dream. I doubt I need to tell you that. :wink:.

So yeah. Not a lot more for me to say, and feel free to disregard everything I've said. But some thought's better than nothing, right? Is there a brief for the story? Is it based around a theme or something? If so, it might help with the review. If not, never mind. :)

I'll see you in part 2!

Best
Blinky





The important thing is never to stop questioning.
— Albert Einstein