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Canary word: Present
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140,602 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Thanks all.
Although the second one I actually had it right - this is told in the present tense, and you suggestion is written in the past. ^_^
Gyrfalcon: I've changed this form a G to a PG, cos I'm not sure it fully warrants a PG-13? After all, there's no graphic violence, swearing, or sexual content.
Ratchet: Thanks for pointing that first point out.
Wiggy: Glad you enjoyed it.
BrokenSword: Thank's for all the suggestions.
Matt: Thanks for reading. Don't really plan to extend it though - this was just a piece of writing practice, rather than anything I intend to develop.
Loved it, it caught my attention immediately. Everyone else has gone through the grammar issues etc, all I'll say is that I didn't want it to end, so my suggestion would be to expand it
Nice job.
I'm not totally sure why, but this introducing paragraph sounds odd to me, almost like you're trying to force the reader to understand how the man feels. Maybe if it weren't so jerky and short, it would seem a little less forceful.
Works better without "he thinks."
I think the encounter with the woman would work better without this statement. He's just discovered he was buried alive, and now he finds himself in this forest with a creepy woman. It just doesn't seem like he would be thinking about how good she looks/doesn't look at this moment.
It sounds awkward... maybe:
Or something like that.
Get rid of the extra "a".
Change "holder".
I thought this was a good, creepy story. Took me a while to get used to the present tense but I enjoyed it. I don't read vampire stories very often. Well done!
That creeped me out. Dude, freakiness!!!!!!! I normally hate vampire stories, but this one, since the surprise came at the end, wasn't half bad. Creepy and paranormal. Good job!
Hey, very intresting and well written.
Basicly it's very good, but it took me awhile to tell the way you were writing this, it's a different style than normal. Good though.
I noticed some spelling things in this last paragraph.
1. as he grabs holder of her sleeve.
as he grabs her sleeve - as he grabs a hold of her sleeve --- suggestions.
2. And Lucy smells so good --- With the way you're writing this story I think it should be smelled. But if you like it smells better, that's all right, I think it works too.
Good story! It's kind of creepy,
Duuuuddddeeeeee........
Very much enjoyed, in a creepy kinda way. D'ya think you could please put some kind of 13+ tag on here? It's not extreamely explicit, but the title doesn't really give you an idea of what to expect.