I’m standing in my mind[s], my brain, my head.[/s]
I would cut the other two, as unnecessary. Also, it flows smoother without.
Wait … what?
Never mind.
I wonder if my sleeping body has also just spoken the words this is a dream in the real world too. Do I talk in my sleep? No one’s ever said if I do or not.
Never mind.
Sometimes, I think you can't take yourself seriously as a writer, can't take what you write seriously and it crops up here. 'Wait...what' and 'never mind' both need to go. Not least because they represent a serious intrusion by the author into the text - it demonstrates an awareness of audience first and foremost and a perception not mired in the dream, as James is - but because in creating this little disturbance, this discrepancy, you halt the creation of this cool, strange dreamworld. Be as strange as you like, but don't question it within the text, even if you personally would. Stylistically speaking, it's jarring. If anything, I'd jazz up the dream-state-writing - you realise within the dream, you can write as you please, it can be as strange and different to James' reality/normal stream of thought as you please.
Utilise it.
I didn't like that the majority of that time was taken up with questioning the dream-state. There was, in effect, no dream. And that is boring. Shorten that, extend the girl's role or whatever else is occuring.
‘I hate school mornings,’ James slurred.
Hm. I disliked this, it didn't quite feel right but I'm not sure why. I don't think anyone would say that aloud first thing upon waking - you could think it though. Even then I would strike 'school' from that - it's too obvious a tell. Because its a given in his world, because its so routine for him, he would never directly think 'school' because it would be synonymous with mornings anyway. Fuck mornings. Or something of that nature would be more suitable.
Nothing's happened this far but your signature blend of comedy and realism is always fun to read. My input for this piece at the moment is - make something happen. ie. a dream. rather than a reflection on the nature of dreaming (which can come later). Hope that helped.
Adios amigo
Points: 6517
Reviews: 798
Donate