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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
I'm not the first person to review it for once. XD
Please throw in some dashes or hyphens or something. Too many numbers, too few breaks.
I might be missing something, but I'm wondering, I thought that he could only see the numbers? Which are bright? So he must be able to see some light, surely?
Should it not be "onto the landing"? Because the landing is not a room, more a space, but I guess it doesn't matter much. Just sounds somewhat odd.
But I thought that even in dreams you experience pain? Or at least, it feels like pain?
Nice section. I like it. I find the writing that James reads effective, too; I can imagine dreaming it, because it makes sense grammatically but not in reality. I liked James movement into his dream great, too.
However, I find James' sudden realisation that it's a dream a bit quick. I think that in dreams, especially if you're unfamiliar with lucid dreaming, you tend to accept things like the clock changing without thinking much, it being not very dramatic, so maybe something creepier could happen to snap him out of it first? It's your choice.
Finally, I remember that in the first part, James mentioned about the fantastic freedom he had in the dream, which is partly why he loved the experience, but here, there wasn't much. I don't think his imagination really took control of his dream. I'd love to see, for example, him looking in the mirror and seeing something to express his fear of the real world, like a bully or something, but that he's not much worried by it, if you see what I mean.
Anyway, yeah, write more. Post more. =]
Blinky
This was all very... odd. It was a bit of a snooze, so you should try to make it more tense, add more details about the setting. Does he live in the city, or the suburbs? Also, it'd be better to say the MC looked outside and saw thunder, or lighting. Or fog. Sometjing scary. Describe the MC's traits more.
Who knew in Act 6 Macbeth
was going to kill Angelo?
Describe if this message is written in blood, or paint or even just pen. Is it a quick, messy handwriting? Or loopy and neat like? Is it next to the MC'S tooth brush? Write everthing! Oh and you didn't write much with your sences. Use all five of them! And the number changing with the alarm clock is a bit odd, try to make it more clear so kids like me can understand:)
Aha! Yeah, that's what I was thinking of lol.
This is all new, though - only written the other day. There is no earlier version.
Well,I did something similiar/ish in the 2006 version of The Broken, which you read and reviewed. Looky. XD
Anyways, a helpful critique as always. ^_^ Lots of stuff here to help me when I come back to edit this in a few days.
Oo-er. This piece has begun to feel familiar - I do believe I've read something similar to this before, perhaps the original you posted so long ago.
Hesitation in thought? Nope, I'm afraid not my friend, it doesn't work that way - hesitation comes in speech, when your mouth stumbles over a particular thought or is afraid to express it verbally. Destroy the ellipse! [And the second 'could' obviously]
Interrupted streams of thought on the other hand:
work fine.
~loved the time play with the clock~
These made me twitch. Why? I mean, why did you put them there - not why did I twitch, that's another story entirely xD - this [un]intentional formality irks, it sticks out...why not just say can't?
I think you need to fix the formatting of that bit cos it was a bit funky on my screen - half-italicised, and separated by a break. Could just be my computer though. Effective ending says I - I quite like the way in which you play with dreams here, if anything I want to see more of the correlation between thought and being/action; kill/death - but yes, an effective chapter. I might suggest actually, with the clocks and the lights early on, that you take away his fairly instant questioning/suspicion to increase the effect. It could be a lot creepier is all I'm saying.
Good stuff.
Adios amigo ~