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140,597 Literary Works • 673,547 Reviews
Thank's y'all for your comments. =)
Regarding the character: yeah, I can see what you both mean about the narrator's personality. But I'm thinking, at this point, I don't really have enough time to go back and change something as big as that, so I'm just gonna have to run with it and see where else I can take it. I've only got tomorrow and Wednesday to write the rest of the story, as I didn't have time to do much today.
EDIT: I've just realised that my writing style in this short story is inspired by Ishmael's narration in Moby Dick.
*shoots self*
That was a pretty interesting first chapter. It was very dynamic, even though you were just introducing the two central characters (Hell, I'm just assuming that they are). It's very personable, I find, and I noticed that you didn't give either of the characters names. That must mean they're important! I think I'll check out the rest of this story. Something about it comunicates to me on a deeper level.
^^
Should that be 'are'?
So, basically, she's not a druggie...? It seems a bit pointless to me, to have that stuck in. So, ye, what's the point? =P If it references something later on, I don't know that, so, as a reader, these things annoy me.
Get rid of 'short' in 'short chat'. Why? Let's be picky:
1) Does it matter whether the chat was short? Surely, there's more of a contrast if you go from chat to short exchange of sentences.
2) Repetition is annoying.
Without the comma, it seems to me as if the sentence is incomplete. Either that, or change:
To: "her customary smile tagged along with her."
That's it for nitpicks, I've noticed.
So ye, I back up Jiggity when he said about it being difficult to communicate with the character. But then again, is that so much of a draw back? You're probably wondering why I'm here, considering I'm just giving you more questions. Allow me to elaborate:
--The guy's boring, but it's one of his strengths. Why? Well, the tone is intentionally dull, yes? But that is makes more humorous, and thus, I like it.
I would rearrange this section a little bit. I mean, at the start I had no idea what was to come, but I barely cared. It was just... a guy working in Blockbusters. You made it fun in a strangely odd sort of way, and the ending made me laugh, but, if I don't know that that's about to come, why would I read on? Consider:
--This part:
Stick it at the start. It might mean having to rearrange a few sections or change the footnote, but as it stands, you might as well have it away from to end to grip the reader. It still keeps the kind of robotic and dull character, but makes it funny, too. It's a short story with no chapters, so is it not a little undue? I think it would be a good way to start it with:
"It is a sad thing, I suppose, that the only time that makes a customer at all memorable is the theory that she is, in truth, a whore."
If you disagree, fine. Just my thoughts.
Best,
Me.
Well, as most of the nitpicking has already been done, I'll keep this brief and general.
I found the character hard to engage with. This has to do, in part, with the style in which its been written. It's very clinical. The sentences are bare and short, there's a lot of 'I do not know' 'I did not think' - a sort of formality of tone that seems odd, really, given the occupation of the protagonist.
Quite aside from the fact that he's dull - despite the wry/witty observations that mostly come from the footnotes and as such, you should be aware, feel removed from the actual story and character - I think, also the dry, I've-seen-it-all-cynical character has been done before on numerous occasions and I'm wondering what makes this one stand out? It almost feels, initially at least, as though that dull-as-a-post, dead-to-the-world employee is implied rather than shown in any great detail.
Bah, useless ramblings on the most. I'd be more helpful if I could see the entire thing. In any case, I still enjoyed the footnotes and some of the observations were amusing. Whore are cool.
Cheers,
Jiggy
Thanks for the reivew. =)
Don't worry about being too harsh, this is exactly the sort of thing I'm after. I've only got a couple of days to write this in, and it's hard to get the distance to be objective enough to spot problems in so short a time. Your pair of eyes have helped a lot. ^_^
Many people will tell you that starting off with something like this is really unprofessional and child-like, and I have to say that I am one of them. However, if you feel you absolutely have to have it, then power to you.
Blockbusters is just one of those words that when you overuse it that many times so close together, it makes the reader say, "Okay, we get it; you work at Blockbusters." I suggest rephrasing so you do not use it too many times.
Issue, bother, difficulty, complication, etc. Lol, I wouldn't worry much about it, but unfortunately I nitpick about using synonyms when possible (although I always overuse words myself).
"is" should be "in"
Comma after "up"
I would say it the second time in a different way. It made me think I was rereading part of it by accident for a second there.
Way too many and's. Also - although it is grammatically correct - I would avoid combining more than two sentences using the same comma-conjunction method both times. I suggest, "She gave me her name, address, postcode, and money; I told her when the movie was due back. All was well in my eyes."
Nothing wrong here; I just wanted to say that I am glad you used "I did not" instead of "I didn't". Seems weird to state it, I know, but after reading many stories that are abounded in contractions.
You use "we actually said" and "I've given here" twice each time. Reword it so there is less repetition.
"Us" should be "We" since it is acting as the subject of the sentence.
Why do you capitalise "People" here? Are you using it as the proper name for all of society? That's what I took it as; just wondering, lol.
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I hope my nitpicks did not seem too harsh. I did thoroughly enjoy this part of the story; it was highly entertaining. Just work on your repetition is all that I can say. Everything else is perfect. One final question, though. Why are you required to use footnotes?
If you post the rest of this, I look forward to reading it!