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by Sureal

  • Short Story

Published December 17, 2008

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Comments & reviews · 2
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Sureal
Comment
Sureal commented Comment · Dec 17, 2008

Haha, thanks again. ^_^ The thing about the length: this the just the way the story is split up, so I'm posting each section as I finish it. :P Anyway, only one more...

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Jiggity
Review
Jiggity wrote a review Review · Dec 17, 2008

Lol, these are short enough to be merged together, you know. Some of them, anyway.

This is how she looked as I opened the door [s]to her[/s]:


‘You don’t sound at all distressed [s]about the whole affair[/s], though.’


you going to justify the slightly more elaborate-than necessary tone? I would change 'at all' to 'real' - You dont sound real distressed, though.'

Simplify. A little more realism, which you nail more than anything else truly. And the dialogue, for the most part, is rocking.

She brush a strand of blonde her from her eyes


brushed

[7.] I know what you’re probably think


thinking

**

Again, great little piece. Are you trying to race me by the way? :P

Can't post faster than I can review, mon freund. XD

Cheers



Yewis superiority!
— Several authors from the auspicious site.