Young Writers Society

Hi! I'm your friendly neighborhood pizzaroll.

I loved the similies and descriptions you used in your poem. I could really *feel* the imagery as if I were the one experiencing this magical event. You're done a swell job haha good work!

However, I would like to suggest some changes, only for bettering your poem without displeasing you. Perhaps the format would work better as scrambled lines, some indented, some put left and others put right-aligned. Bold and italics could strengthen or emphasis your point you are making to the audience. Adding in some semicolons, hyphens, and periods help to give readers a breath between lines/sections. Without some form of end punctuation, everything becomes a little tangled up.

I do enjoy your comparison of them being "cannonballs", as well as sitting under the rain of fire and shattered wishes. It completes your picture.

You did a wonderful job on this! Congratulations! I loved your work. Thank you for posting this, SnickerDude

:3

♡ Pizzaroll

I love the juxtaposition of the images you present of the night sky. It's a good representation of how whimsical and foreboding the night sky can be at times. My favorite lines from your poem are "I sit under the velvet sky, Under what used to be a painting, Is now a war zone," which i think is the direct transition between the two different perceptions of the night sky. I also enjoy how falling stars are both "shattered wishes" and "cannonballs."

Hey! don't be like this. The first important thing is you got the guts to write a poem which not everyone can do. And you learn a thing when you do it. Practice makes a man perfect right?
Now lemme tell you those aspects which, on my point of view, are not making your poem not very good.
Your poem lacks a bit rhyming. The rhythm of the poem start breaking from the beginning, so next time focus on finding rhyming words, that will make your poem sounding more nice and rhythmic. Seconding balance the sentences. Your start was long but the end got shorter. But here one thing to appreciate, you beautifully depicted the scenario of peace and war. The idea behind the poem is clear and understandable. A thing starting beautifully and ending up badly. So overall a very good work <3 Keep shining!

Heya it's Izzy for a review!

Before I start I just want to say that whatever you have written so far I have loved, and you are a very good writer.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tag me in whatever you write! I look forward to reading it!

You are missing commas in a few places and you need to maybe place words in different places to make it flow better.

I really liked the beginning and what it had to say, someone gazing up at a star filled sky.
Then it sorta doesn't move me at all emotionally and I feel as if it left something to be desired.

Overall, you did very well!

Maye put a bit more emotions in your work, and see where it goes,

Writers block is literally the devil, if you need some help creatively then feel free to PM me!


Izzy

Thanks for sharing. The poem has visual imagery which is a good thing since it separates it from mere prose arranged in a poetic format. As a reader I was drawn in by the initial description of someone gazing up at a beautiful velvet star-filled heavens.

Suggestion:

Here is the best suggestion of all the others I considered:

A poem seeks a reaction-right? What exactly is the reaction that this poem is seeking to evoke? After reading it I was left unmoved emotionally. So the poem needs something to get the reader involved in evaluating the destruction of those wishes as either a good thing or a bad one. If the poem includes a brief hint on the nature of the wishes, then it will provide the reader with a reason to feel either sad or happy when the wishes are shattered. Otherwise it will leave the reader in limbo. Were they wishes that involved genocide? Were they wishes that involved a utopia on Earth? The choice does make a world of a difference..

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started.

*sees poem and really likes it.*
*Grim looks at screen then back at his book*
You are very rude today, you know that right?
Yes.
*Grumbles and goes back to writing.

So, this is going to be very short since I head to my moms soon but before I begin, please tag me in the rest of your poetry. If you don't know how to do that just use the @ symbol then type in a username of someone on YWS!

So, a few places need commas, those places would be "I glance up at the velvet sky", "A dome, deep and black". The line after that would sound better with the word "and". A few other places would be "In shapes that last forever", "I sit under the velvet sky", "Watching the stars twinkle", "Then something falls, the tail a golden beam", "I sit under the velvet sky" and "Under what used to be a painting"

I would normally interpret this but I do not have the time and I am SO SORRY for that. If you want me to, I can PM you so that you get my interpretation.

Overall, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Thanksgiving! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!