One petal
She smiled at me
Two petals
When I reached for her hand she didn't see
Three petals
She leaned over and said "what if I kissed you"
Four petals
She said it was just a joke
Five petals
She said I looked pretty
Six petals
She barely glanced at me
Seven petals
She rested my head on her shoulder
Eight petals
She says she doesn't love me
Petals on a glistening floor
Bare flower stems, beautiful no more
A heart longing for her touch
A breaking heart, it's all too much
She doesn't need someone like me
Oh, if only she could see
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139,759 Literary Works • 672,714 Reviews
I know a lot of the comments will ask if this is from a guy or girls point of view. but personally, they are missing a huge point. The beautiful thing about this is that, its love. The person is heartbroken, it doesn't matter if they are gay or straight, their heart is broken. I love this, I love the heartache and pain you can hear in every word, the longing. this was really good, and honestly, this is what I look for in poetry. keep writing my dude
Thanks for sharing this poem of unrequited love. It very effectively expresses the situation involved. I like the way that the loved one is portrayed as flirting, resting the speaker's head on her shoulder, smiling, talking about kissing in order to raise hope only to back away and enjoy the frustration.
I like the way that the stem without the petals, which represent the speaker's hopes of being loved, finally is bare and conveys the true nature of their relationship. The reference to the speaker being called pretty made me pause since I had assumed a male speaker. This made me consider two possibilities.
1. It might be an insult involving her perception of him as effeminate.
2. Both are female.
Suggestions:
Center the poem
I found it very hard to read and was very distracting.
Cliché
Find substitute for the cliché word "heart". As poets we are advised to avoid using cliché's because they are worn-out phrases.
Hiya! Thanks for the advice. ^^ I actually identify as genderqueer, while she identifies as a lesbian. I just found that information to be a bit confusing and irrelevant (I didn't want to straight out say our genders, it didn't really feel right.) So I left it the way it was.
As for the centering, I was just trying out the different ways to center it and I admit it was a bit confusing. Anyway, thanks for the feedback! ^^
How are their genders irrelevant? Please note that the reader will assume male is speaking to a female. When that male is called pretty, the reader will wonder why. Reader reaction is very important to what we as poets write. If reader reaction wee unimportant, then we would be writing for ourselves. However, since you submitted the poem for review, I assumed that you felt that reader reaction is important to you.
My mentioning the reaction isn't meant as either approval or rejection of the relationship involved. It is merely a description of how I felt while reading it and how many others might also feel. but if I offended I apologize.
Hi there! Hope you don't mind if i leave you with a quick review!
Firstly, I adore this poem. Unrequited love is hard to cope with, but truly it gets better.
My suggestions:
The bottom half of the poem, where the aabb rhyme scheme starts, I think should either be spaced from the rest, or put into italics to separate it somewhat from the rest of the poem.
&
Here, using heart twice like this in different ways feels awkward to me. it's not bad, it just sort of feels off to me.
My favorite part:
Overall, truly, I loved this poem. It's sad and most likely relatable to many. Great job, and I hope to read more of your work!
Keep writing,
-Katja
Hi! Thanks for the advice. Glad you liked it. <3