Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I always saw her
Always stared
When she looked at me
Something in me
Told me that she cared
She's always smiling
But inside she's dying
Just like me, I think
She's so pretty
Pretty broken
I always see her
Always stare
When she doesn't look at me
I really hope she cares
She told me that she
"fucked herself up"
She asked me
"Why are we like this?"
Why do we want to die?
Staring up into the void, the sky
Why do we fall?
Look death in the eye
"Kill me" begin to cry
I told her I felt insane
She said
"same"
Her eyes
Are so pretty
Pretty broken
Just like me
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139,759 Literary Works • 672,714 Reviews
Hi Space!
I'm Ellie, and I'm here to give you a review. I really liked the idea behind this poem. To me, it's about loving someone even though they're hurting, and seeing the beauty and they might not see in themselves. I'm wondering if you've ever seen the movie Ordinary People. Your poem made me think of the central couple from that film. Their relationship operates very much in the same way in that they're both outcasts who find love with each other.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTbjh-Hxijo
I guess I'm wondering if you can't include a little bit more detail. Right now, there are a few questions that I had. Are the narrator and the subject a couple, or is she a crush? Does he want to be in a relationship with her? Secondly, I think there should be a little bit more to go on than this mutual feeling of depression that they both share. Do they feel better when they're around each other? What are special moments that they share? Just things to think about.
Good work. Let me know if you have any questions!
Hi! Thanks for the suggestions!
Hello! Before I begin, I wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading this poem! It was very emotional, and it's clear that you poured a lot into this. I also liked your use of repetition with "Pretty broken".
I don't really have any huge complaints, just little things I think could use improving.
The line, ""Kill me" begin to cry" is awkward. Who is saying this? Is it, ""Kill me(,)" (she) begin(s) to cry", or, ""Kill me(,)" (we) begin to cry"? Either way, I think that one line needs to be clearer to have a maximum effect.
Favorite lines:
"Her eyes
Are so pretty
Pretty broken
Just like me"
I'm a sucker for some good repetition, and I think you did extremely well with the ending of this poem.
Overall, I think you did very well, especially with the repetition and fragmentation of the piece. I really enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!
ella
Hi! I'm glad you liked it, and I will take your advice into consideration for my next poems! ^^
Hey Corrupted Arrow here with a review!
(The Comma Police is here! Anything I say here is just constructive criticism. If i offend you I apologize in advance.(I will try to be humorous.)
I can relate to this poem. Some people might not. It hits home for me.
"She told me that she
'fucked herself up' " I know that it was supposed be from the other person's perspective, but that should have been "Myself"
From what I can see you don't have any grammar mistakes, and nothing is wrong with the commas. Keep up the writing, have a good day.
Hi! Thanks for the advice!^^