Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
The scent of blood hangs ominously in the air. It stains my white dress to a dark crimson. My sword clangs to the ground with an echoing clatter while my fingers shake. I take in the sight of Father's defeat. His blood running down my face and body as I stumble back away from the fight. He couldn't die. Not now.
"Father!" I scream, clutching his shirt tightly as he lays bleeding on the mountain top.
But his violet eyes have closed and I struggle to lift him up. "Morasha!" I almost cry in relief of brother's voice just in a few yards in front of us.
He doesn't ask what happens. He simply picks Father up into his strong arms and takes off, I following after retrieving Father's sword, Hyoroku, and my own, Hyoka. The war had been close to finishing when the enemy had ambushed our family as we were taking a caravan of supplies to a tribe in need.
"Morasha, Father will be fine." Brother calmly states, light eyes watching me as I walk silently beside him.
I bite my lip and look away. My eyes instantly search the surrounding area, fear clawing at my heart. What if he didn't make it? He and brother are all I have now after Father adopted me. My memories of being alive remained for some strange reason after my death and they haunted me constantly. I could never feel at ease before I met Father when trying to fight off some of the bandits who raided the village I was enslaved in.
I turn at the rustling of a nearby brush and justly barely catch of the sight of a white hare before a terrible pain erupts through my back. Vision blurring, I stumble towards brother only to slip into blissful darkness.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
This seems interesting, but you should put up more of a story next time. I like that your trying to create an environment for the reader to emerse himself in. I see the potential in solid imagery. I found that some of the wording didn't really make sense tough. Your also trying to create an image but before you write the description, visualising it in your head to see if it makes sense would be good next time. In the end tough, this is a very small sample for me to judge so not much to say on my part.
This is at the very least interesting!
I can't give a very solid critique because this is so short... why post an excerpt? Reviewing them is rather pointless.
Scent doesn't stain dresses
Why is it stained, above all? Is her sword also stained? Why is the protagonist wearing a dress, yet has apparently come out of a battlefield? That doesn't strike me as very productive. Why is her (adoptive?) father wounded, and who (or what) was he fighting? This seems to be more of a teaser. It's ok, but I repeat, I can't give a proper review since there's not a lot to review. Nonetheless, it is in the green room...
[/quote]
there needs to be a comma instead of a full stop after 'fine' - it's dialogue, remember.
That's all I have to say really. I hope more of this is posted. Cheers
-Ita
Thanks Cypher and I posted it because I had planned to make it the first chapter but when I finished posting it I realized I would have to add more to it.
Indeed, do add more