Chapter Five
I stood inside the manor with a gaze on the violet haired teen just a few manors down. I would make sure he never forgets. I narrowed my eyes angrily when I watch him pick berries off the bush. How dare he? He was mine. My nails dug into the soft wood of the window sill in my rage.
"Master?" One of my more faithful servants stands at the doorway behind me, her clear blue eyes eyed me with trepidation of the news I can tell she has.
I turned to face her and gave her the motion to speak. Might as well get the news now I guess before I thought of any new plans for my pet.
She quickly bows and hastily explains her interruption, "I have done as you ask, Master and attempted to work with the Rosenhearts. The mistress, Ren, has asked for a week's time to review all the applications before making a decision. Even though I do believe I may have impressed her enough to earn the job."
I smirked. There was no way the woman would be unable to resist Helan. She truly was beautiful and could hold a mask of pure innocence with such ease. It mattered not that I would have to wait a week to progress in my plans but no matters, in the end, the boy would be mine and I would make sure of he never thought of leaving again.
I nodded and dismiss her before stalking my way down to the dungeons. I had made a room completely cut off from the dungeons many a year ago and felt excitement course through me at the thought my toy would becoming back.
I turn the light on and smirked. Off near far corner was a very small cage. With the size and shape of my treasure was now he would be unable to move if I placed him back inside. A sinister grin stretches across my face.
"Jellal Dracken, you should have never left your father without permission." I growled darkly. Insolent brat had fled when he was five and with his foolish luck had earned the trust of the Rosenheart heir. I was surprised when my attempts to get him back failed but when I had begun to use mental attack on the traitor's mind, I could feel my enchantments and manipulations were still very clear in his memories. Only because of that was I able to imprison him for such a crime.
I closed my eyes. Even now I can remember my son as a small child, gifted with an unusual brand of magic that repelled and nearly outstripped my own as a mere babe. He had to be controlled. I couldn't allow him to be free or he'd crush all the plans I held. He was always sickly as a child but more than that, he never once allowed me to break him. His innocence and strength of will were outstanding as well as infuriating. Even now, with his memories erased and the knowledge he nearly killed his sole friend, he still clung to the fact he was still willing to friend the heir again.
I hissed in distaste. How could I stop him? Idiot boy deserved death for defying me but I had need of his magic. It was the only reason I never outright killed him after his birth when his mother died. Angry with the memories, I storm out of the manor and into the large forest that surrounds the back of my home.
"You know he will never obey you." A chilling cold voice speaks up beside me as I enter the darker parts of the woods.
Standing before me was Ar. The Yami had a very keen interest in my son's soul and i couldn't help but chuckle.
"I will break him." I growled, furious he would think me incapable of destroying my own son's defiance."
Ar simply grins darkly, "I can taste it in his soul, fool. He is unable to break by your hands. Only the hands of his friends can he lose all fight in him. But that fight is what draws me to him. He is such a delicious soul, so full of both darkness and unyielding light that makes him devastatingly pure in the darkest form."
I scowled. Stupid soul takers could feel someone's soul without so much as drink of it, but their power of detecting the soul afterwards is only more so if they kept feeding of it over countless years. I knew for a fact that Jellal would never be free of Ar's grasp until he died or he killed the man before me.
Ar turned away and walks off. "Beware, mortal. Your son may just very well be our undoing."
End of chapter
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140,567 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
Wow, this is one sinister chapter. I can just feel the evil oozing out from between the lines. Seriously, like I was getting creeped out as I was reading this. Especially when he led us into that room with the cage. He had his son locked up in a cage?! Freaky.
So this is where it's super important for you to specify which character's POV this chapter is in. Because for the last four chapters you've been switching between Ariyana and Jellal. But now we have a new character and new setting. It's important that you establish right away who this man is. And if you want to keep his name/identity a secret, you can always just call him "The Master". Then the readers will know that it's neither Ariyana nor Jellal telling the chapter. And you'll get to keep this man's identity secret. Well, we already know that he's Jellal's father, but that's about all we know.
Well, there isn't much else I have to say about this chapter. It was well written and a great introduction for out villain. I am completely, totally, 100% sure that this man is completely evil. That's the way he comes across to me.
Oh, one more thing. I find it a bit weird that this man lives across from the Rosenheart manor and he didn't make a move earlier to recapture his son. Surely he could see Jellal walking about the manor during his younger years. Why didn't he make a move then? Why wait until now?
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
I think that this chapter was a little too fast. I an see what you are trying to do, but I feel like you are giving away a lot of spoilers and telling us a whole lot of information in this chapter. Try slowing it down and adding a little more detail.
Also, for the first time in this book you start writing down peoples thoughts. now it isn't necessarily an error to start now with this one character, but generally if someone writes a character's thoughts, they do it with all of them. They way you are doing it makes it feel like it's two different style being mushed together.
Now I am assuming that this evil guy is Jellal's father,which surprises es me if it is. I was expecting a villain, but this could get pretty ugly. Pretty fast. And Ar was a chilling character. I can see him posing a real big threat later on in this story.
I like what you are going for here, but I think you can slow it down a little and draw it out just a tad longer. Also, the guy was in the forest, but right before that he was in a dungeon. I may have missed a sentence, but I don't remember reading the transition.
~Messenger
Messenger be's back! Well it looks like two of my teammates already stole all the extra points, but nonetheless I am here! And hoping we get to see some more fun stuff. I really love your characters right now to be honest.
OK so I guess we are reading this from the villain's point of view, but you should really probably say it in an author's note or something. You sue the word manor twice in the same sentence. Generally you don't want to do that as a a writer. And violet haired" should be "violet-haired
Once again you puts eyes and eyed together. Try to think of words meaning the same thing that don't sound so similar.
Honestly I think you should scrap the whole second sentence. It is worded awkwardly and is more of a thought, but you haven't shown character's though the first 4 chapters.
Once again you use the word matter twice in one sentence. Also, you need to replace "of" with 'that'
Separate "be" and "coming"
So there were more problems but I think you can find them with a re-read. And once again you have a lot of tense changes which needs fixing. i'm going to give you a review about the story itself in a different review for easier digestion on your part. And a few more points for me.
~Messenger
Hey, here for a review! I haven't read your other chapters yet (but I'll be sure to soon!) so I'm mostly going to focus on word choice and grammar and other things that won't be affected by the fact that I haven't read the rest of your novel.
The first major problem I noticed: you keep switching between past and present tense, which makes it confusing for your reader. Make sure to stick to only one tense.
I give this criticism a lot, but your writing is too wordy in a lot of places, and you should shorten some of your sentences/divide them into multiple sentences. You could do this by cutting out/replacing adjectives, or adding more action instead of just description. It makes your writing sound less "chunky." Your second paragraph is a good example of this.
You had one really long sentence here. It would sound better if you either made it shorter or divided it up into maybe two shorter sentences. Saying "eyes eyed" sounds too repetitive (you made the same mistake with manor in the first sentence of the chapter), so maybe you should cut out "clear blue eyes" and just make it "she eyed me." "Trepidation" seems too complicated a word to put in a situation like this, and many of your readers might be confused by it.
This is probably because I didn't read the first four chapters (sorry :/), but I'm a little confused about the setting. The way you describe it makes it seem like a Victorian era story, but the names are modern and a character has purple hair? You probably explained it in the earlier chapters, but if not, make sure to clarify to your readers why this is!
My final criticism: in some places, your mood seems a little off, and in some places it's a little melodramatic. Your narrator seems really, really angry, but your writing doesn't sound very angry, if that makes any sense
I have a nasty habit of only picking out flaws in stories, and I'm trying to get away from doing that, because all the stories on here have just as many positives as negatives.
I like this paragraph! You vary your sentence length here, and you have more than just statements (your narrator includes a rhetoric question), and that also helps to vary up your writing and make it sound more interesting to the reader. Also, your second sentence offers a lot in the way of character/relationship development. I like it
Keep writing, and I'll be sure to check out the rest of your novel!
Hello! Happy Review Day! Well, time for the review. First off, interesting story. I am sorry I haven't read the other chapters, but I can tell this is an interesting story. It is quite interesting and dark. And I must congraduate you on putting a meaningful background paragraph. A lot of people usually cannot do so without going off on an unwanted tangent. Your ending was also quite good, as it left me curious about the father's reaction. Your chapter was quite short, which isn't bad, but I do recommend longer chapters. Overall you didn't have too many mistakes though I caught some confusing parts.
"I narrowed my eyes angrily when I watch him pick berries off the bush."
You accidentally made "watch" in present tense when it should be in past. Make sure you watch that.
"'You know he will never obey you.' A chilling cold voice speaks up beside me as I enter the darker parts of the woods."
The issue here is that the father went from staring out a window to being in the middle of the woods. Try to describe his actions that put him in the woods and everything in between. Unless of course you put the *** between paragraphs to show time change.
"'I will break him.' I growled, furious he would think me incapable of destroying my own son's defiance.""
There is an unneeded quote at the end of that sentence. I'm guessing you accidentally typed it, so I suggest you quickly revise your work before publishing.
"Ar turned away and walks off. 'Beware, mortal. Your son may just very well be our undoing.'"
Again with the tenses. Don't worry, if you keep writing hopefully the tense incidences will go away. But yeah, "walks" is in present tense when it should be in past tense.
Anyways, keep up the good work and good luck on this fabulous review day!