z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Half Year

by Soulkana


The past few months have passed by in a flash, yet my smoldering hatred for Demaenetus grows in depth every day as does my understanding and feelings for the race of Timeless as Sesi and Malik continue to help me in whatever ways they can. They have remained open about things even plainly stating that I would not be able to learn of some things until the spell binding my loyalty to him is completely removed. Still, today, Malik has stated in the previous lesson that he would be bringing up more in depth information about their people and I find myself anticipating that lesson as I wait and write.

I have woken, free of the trappings of recent nightmares, to spend most of the day in my thoughts. Luna is no where in sight and I decided she must have had another occasion to attend to. Instead of my usual debates with the kindly healer, I find myself thinking back on several things in the past and how much I doubted everything in my life until I broke the spell. Despite the overwhelming love I feel, still, towards Laurentius, I cannot stop the pain that sears my very soul at the thought of him being in on this spell. Even more so, I find myself unwillingly to let him know of it. It would crush the kindness in him, hidden behind his sheer arrogance to know what his father truly was.

I can hear Malik at the door and I shall write after the lesson. Until then, I shall leave my deepening sorrow for Laurentius unspoken. I could never bring myself to be the cause of his pain. The child who protected me, his younger sister, and the man whom would, without regret, would never believe me dead.

It has been over six hours since I left to debate with Malik. Even now, I find the new information I have been given almost overwhelming but also very revealing. Malik had taken me back to the story of how the Realms were One and then was separated. He explained how the youngest son, Lazarus, was forever changed by his encounter with the dragon as well as the vampire. Most beings could not be blessed by two opposite forces. The dragon was mainly a being whom controlled the waters and all its forms but the vampires mainly controlled either fire or earth. However, the two were somehow compatible in the youngest son and gave birth to the formation that would establish a new “race” among the five Realms.

It does not surprise me how Malik was very careful with the information. He still couldn’t trust me and even I, cannot trust my own actions as of right now. However, he went on to explain how the bloodline became dominant due to the power of having two creatures running through his veins as a twice-blessed being. All his children and their children and so forth, became the same as him. Twice-blessed legacies whom eventually started their own culture and society. Sticking true to their forefather’s paranoia, they remained very secretive and lived out their lives on the frozen Realm of Timeless Province, seeking to be left alone by the other Realms.

I had many questions and while he remained unable to answer many he did offer to send some basic books covering their law and the customs. To start off he explained the various ceremonies and also how one greeted another especially in the family. I found it odd, how there was a such a complicated system to greet others depending on their age or status to one self.

He explained that in the family, the eldest child is always to greet the father then the mother before the following sibling. He explained that this is mainly due to the eldest holds the most responsibility to the family and to continue on the family line. It is considered not only rude and disrespectful, but also the very height of disgrace, to not uphold the family and their honor as the eldest. For the eldest child to refuse to take his place as the head of the house or even to refuse the title of first born, was considered to disown one’s self. Rarely done and most times the parents had done so because the first heir was out-shined by another of their children in order to keep others from talking which would eventually lead to dishonor in the family name.

This left me very conflicted. Due to my date of birth, I was the first born child of the King and Queen. However, the second child, whom Malik and Sesi, have not told me their name, has taken over that role due to my kidnapping/”rescue” as an infant. I remain confused but I still found their greetings intriguing and it brought a small sense of comfort to have such a tradition. I asked why they had such a strict way of greeting, Malik had answered with a rather riddling explanation.

“Most races allow themselves to be slack in the greetings of others. However, for a member of the Timeless Province main race, we cannot allow ourselves to slip in front of others. To remain blessed by the spirits whom entrusted their blessings into Lazarus, we must continue to remain worthy of being of his blood.

I cannot fathom having such a heavy responsibility to remain worthy of both the dragons and the vampires. If such traditions are necessary to remain as I will be and should have always been before that man ripped away my own self, then I cannot help but desire to become worthy of the blood that had been twice blessed by the two most demanding of races amongst the Realms.


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896 Reviews


Points: 240
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Sun Aug 30, 2015 11:59 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hey Soulbrother,

Just a quick review on this fine Review Day. You know I've not read the other chapters of this work, so I am running on little information and I hope the comments I make won't hurt you at all. You've got an interesting concept and your writing is clear and easy to read. I don't have to struggle through the prose at all, which makes it much easier for me to see where I think things are going wrong, which is a little unfortunate for you in a way! :D

Right, on to the work itself. I think it's boring. That's awful to just put out there, but I really think right now it's just not very engaging. Maybe I would be engaged with it if I'd been reading from the beginning. But I think I wouldn't be, because it isn't what you're saying that doesn't interest me (although that also) but it's how. There's a rigid nature to your sentences that I can only assume is an attempt at an historical/in the past look at the narrative. Maybe this character is rich or royalty or thinks themselves very important and that's why they talk like they don't have any personality really at all. It's not gelling with me. I've read your stuff before and I know you can write differently to this, which is why I'm being a little more upfront and perhaps a little unkind. You can do better than this.

The content is fine, although I find that I'm not interested at all in her (or whatever gender this person is) thought process because it's all telling and boring. "I thought about this that happened before and now I am thinking about this" - it's the danger of a present tense first person narrative, they're awful to get right because the likelihood of your reader hating your protagonist is pretty high (just look at The Hunger Games). I don't think you're making the grade here, though I can see how you're working at the attempt.

I'm sorry if all that sounds harsh, but I think you need to revise how this character is speaking to give them some heart. Good luck with this!

- <3




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Sun Aug 30, 2015 7:28 pm
TheStormAroundMe wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here to review!

"Most races allow themselves to be slack in the greetings of others

Right there you are a set of quotation marks that don't belong, thought I would point that out before beginning the actual review.

All of your paragraphs are blocky, but that makes sense since this is like a journal entry. I've never heard of dragons and vampires together before, but both have been done so you'll have to be careful when it comes to cliches.

Next, I'm noticing a lot of run-on sentences such as this one:
However, the second child, whom Malik and Sesi, have not told me their name, has taken over that role due to my kidnapping/”rescue” as an infant.

This sentence was greatly confusing, and you have many more like it throughout this chapter. The storyline itself is kind of dry, but I've never been one for fantasy myself so I'm bias.

I think that the idea behind this work is goos, and with right work maybe even amazing. Just watch out for those technical errors!
-Grace





GET YER EYES AWAY FROM MY EYE SOCKETS >.>
— herbalhour