REVISED CHAPTER ONE

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Fantasy

Published September 30, 2010

Fantasy Novels

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Chapter One Rewrite

I flew slowly, taking in my surroundings, my blue eyes flickered as I saw a movement to my right. I glided past a small brown house, where there was a young boy, about 8, running after a unicorn. His eyes were a frosty blue and I could feel the water sprite blood within him. I paused by an oak tree, watching him, observing him, knowing somehow he was tied to my familiar. He turned and glanced around, his eyes skimmed past me a few times before he focused on me. He grinned, an innocent smile of trust, before saying, "Hello Mr. Phoenix, are you lost?"

I thrilled a soft thrill, hoping it sounded like a no as I began to prepare to fly off, just as I took flight, I saw him wave good-bye and I was off again. Wondering, will I see him again? Clearing my head, I looked around me, flying through the thick forests, running into many animals and birds along the way. I stopped and rest on the edge of forest, that surrounded the legendary castle of the Drakoyan. I could see a young girl resting in one of the windows. I turned ready to take off when I saw a few feet from my resting oak, an ancient oak. Underneath it was another girl, looking almost exactly like the other girl in the window, but something was different about her, more attracting. Suddenly I realized this was what the Old One of my flock had meant, as he died.

I flew softly along the forest tops, rushing to my flock's nests, feeling excited as a young chick, for I was finally grown and able to set forth on the journey to find my familiar, the human I would bond to and protect till the very end. My eternal companion. I felt my feathers raise in the thrill that I was in, just as I spotted the highest nest, the Old One's. The flock leader and the wisest of us, he was who we turned for guidance. Once he perished a mark would appear on one of our following male members, designating him as the new Wise One. The time was short, for the Old One was fading quick since his eternal companion had perished 4 years prior.

I landed softy by the nest and waited for him to stir. For it was not my place, as the youngest of our flock as of yet, to disturb the Wise One. The sun began to descend, turning the sky a vibrant red and purple as he stirred thrilling softly, "I knew you'd come, young one. You have come to ask me of your familiar little one."

I bowed softly to him whispering, "Yes Wise One, if you don't mind."

He smiled gently at me saying softly, "All I can give you, little one, is that you shall know when you find her. Your familiar is too powerful I can't see her. All I know is that she is of the Drakoyan, little one."

I paused and said softly, gratefully, "Thank you, Old One. I shall take off in the morning."

He smiled and I watched in stunned shock as his body began to smolder, his breathing was short and quick. I flew to him crying, "Wise One what do I do?"

He shook his head saying softly, "You can't stop it young one. It is time for me go on. Find your familiar child. I wish you the best of luck."

I let out a small thrill of sadness as he erupted into flames, his ashes cold. I felt a tear fall from my eyes as I knew he would never be reborn again. I flew up into the sky, as the stars began to twinkle. With a soft sigh I sent a silent prayer to the Ancient Ones to guide the Wise One to the beyond as I flew to my flock to tell them of the passing of our leader. When I landed I spotted my father, he was staring softly at the sky, on his wing was a light blue circle, inside it was a vibrant green sword, the marking of the Wise One. He turned to me thrilling, "You're leaving in the morning my son?"

I nodded to him, respectfully, saying, "Yes father. I hope to find my familiar."

He turned to me saying, "May the Creator bless your journey my son."

With that we rested, and as the first rays of dawn lit the sky I flew off to begin my journey.

I flew close, but not too close, for I did not wish to disturb my familiar, who was sleeping, so peacefully underneath the ancient tree. Leaves fell on top of her, further adding to the beauty of the picture before me. She had very pale skin, unblemished except for the markings of the Drakoyans. Her's was barely visible from the way she was resting, but a bit peeked out from her arms, as she rested her head against her arms, her black bangs gently covered her face. Her mark, from what I could see was very unusual and different from the normal markings. Instead of silver it was a ruby red, instead of being a swirled spiral, hers was like a branch of a tree, splitting off into many different branches, some smaller and slim, some large and thick. I considered that possibly it reached past her check and curled down her neck to her shoulder or back. She shifted slightly and I could see connected to one of the branches was a picture of a bird, and not just any bird, a phoenix.

My eyes widened with shock, "I had found my familiar!" I was about to fly to her when I saw a young ice tiger coming out of the woods, her amber eyes flickered slowly around her, guarding. She glanced at me and with a growl she beckoned me forward. I flew down to her, landing on her shoulder as she said, "I knew there would come a day when one of your kind came to her, she is strong enough for a phoenix."

I stayed silent for a moment, as I took notice of the darkening sky saying, "Should we wake her? I don't want her to get wet."

The tiger glanced at the sky muttering, "I suppose so. Be careful when waking her, she takes fright of anything unfamiliar."

I paused, wondering what type of life she had to install such fear of anything new. With a soft, careful brush of my wing to her check, I woke her. She jerked her head up, her eyes were a gold amber, full of fear and distrust. She stood up quickly and scanned the area around her, relaxing slightly when she saw the young tiger. She turned to me, her eyes to me and I glanced back, wondering what was going through her head. With a soft thrill I flew to her shoulder, and watched as she cringed.

"Who are you?" She asked me, her voice shaky and trembling. Her hands tightened around the tiger's neck and she was startled when I spoke in her mind, "I do not have a name as of yet, Drakoyan. My familiar names me."

She glanced at me and whispered, her voice quiet, uncertain and hesitant. "Am I your familiar?"

I thrilled a soft thrill, hoping it came out as a yes. She must've understood as she turned thoughtful, her hand to her chin, in a thinking pose, she thought carefully. Suddenly her eyes shone as she said, "How about Moonlight?"

I thrilled softly, feeling very much happy she had named me, my eternal companion had named me, Moonlight. The tiger's ears twitched as I heard the distant rustling of someone running to our direction. I paused, as a young woman stood on the clearing, her eyes were a dark blue, and were full of anger. Marching forward she grabbed Maya's arm roughly, snapping, "You should never run away!! You keep doing it!! Whether you learned your lesson or not!! I guess I'll have to teach you what happens when you keep disobeying us, Maya Drakoyan!!!"

I watched as she screamed in fear, trying to pull away as she was dragged back to the castle, just as the tiger roared with fury as she lunged at the woman, trying to protect her. With a swift kick to the tiger, the woman went on, dragging the child behind her, causing her to stumble and cry, as her wrist turned dark red as pain shot up her arm.

End of chapter

Continue to next chapter REWRITE OF CHAPTER TWO

Comments & reviews · 6

Soulkana

Comment

Soulkana commented Comment · Apr 10, 2011

Thanks for the reviews you guys^^ hope I managed to fix some parts of it. I will try to fix it more when I have the time ^^ Good luck and Happy Writing to all!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3

xXTheBlackSheepXx

Review

xXTheBlackSheepXx wrote a review Review · Apr 7, 2011

Here again

I flew softly along the wind currents, my shocking black and silver feathers glistening in the frigid morning sun. I flew over a house, with a young boy you make it sound like you were flying WITH the boy, but then make it seem like he’s below on the ground, chasing the unicorn. chasing a unicorn into the woods. A human would never be able to keep up with a unicorn’s speed, so was he being playful?
I was a destiny phoenix, searching for my human familiar; my icy blue eyes grew you’re changing tenses already. Is this present or past tense? distant as I thought back to what the old wise phoenix, Sola comma had told me of my human.
Thrilling Did you mean trilling? softly I flew to the old one for it was my time to go out and find my human. I was excited comma for this is what every destiny phoenix waited for.
“Ah come in young phoenix.” think about where the commas might be here The old one said, his kind ruby eyes grew growing distant as he coughed, for losing his master had made him struggle for every frail breath he took. So far, you’re giving us way too much information too soon. I’d rather you describe the land and scenery than jump right into all this other stuff. It’s just too much to take in at once.
I perched on a fir brand branch? Please proof read, patiently and respectfully waiting. One young such as me myself must never disrespect the old one, semicolon it was one of the severest wrongdoings, period that and betraying your human and master.
The old one spoke softly to me, his body beginning to smolder as he spoke, his words sent sending (please be careful which tense you are using. It causes unnecessary confusion to the reader) shivers up my feathers,” Your human is precious, young one. She must survive her hardships and you must do whatever you can to protect her, for your true blood is of the Ashanga.”
My eyes widened as I stayed silent, not wanting to disrespect the dying old one. Tentatively, I asked him,” What does my human look like, old one?”
The old one smiled somewhat oddly for a phoenix as he said wisely,” You shall know instinctively your human, young Ashanga.” This line just sounds odd. There is a phrasing issue, I think.
I nodded as he erupted into flames, his ashes cold. The old one would never be reborn from his ashes again. Your character shows surprising little emotion or reaction to his death. I mean, this elder leader, who it seemed your character had tons of respect for, just burnt up and died right in front of his eyes with no warning. And there is no reaction whatsoever.
I dived, flying into an old oak tree, as I felt a soft pull towards the young girl curled up asleep beside the oak, her face serene as she clutched the ragged stuffed fox. Keeping watch over the frail child was a young ice tiger. She growled softly at me before speaking in the universal tongue,” You will have to share your human with me, phoenix.”
I nodded at her respectfully and replied mildly,” Of course, ice tiger; if my human wishes so comma then I shall not protest.” I really like the mention of a ‘universal language’. And I like the phoenix’s reply.
The tiger laughed, which came out as an odd roar as she said fondly,” I think I shall like you, phoenix. Our human has much to learn of herself for she has been hidden and shies from others of her kind.”
The tiger’s eyes were cold and full of rage. I knew that in time the ice tiger will tell me what happened to cause such anger in her eyes. Why are you giving so much away? You’re trying to tell us everything about the plot, for no reason. It’s still within the first page of your story.
Wind began to blow harshly as the sky began to turn black as an eerie calmness came over the land Word this differently. A harsh wind carried across the endless black sky, ruffling the phoenix‘s feathers gently. Or something. . Gently I perched beside the girl, no comma and covered her frail body with my wings. I was small so I could only cover to her knees.
The ice tiger moved so that she had the girl resting against her shining icy blue and black striped fur. Thunder rumbled as the girl whimpered clinging to the tiger’s fur. Rain began to fall, the oak tree’s branches kept away most of the rain, while I took up whatever passed through them.
As wind and freezing rain pushed me I made sure not to move. My eyes blazed with a fierce determination as I gripped the soaked ground with my talons.
Lightning flashed as the young girl woke, her beautiful gold eyes full of fear, her long black hair was as dark as the midnight sky, her skin as pale as the moon. On her left cheek was a small speck of a large birthmark, hidden from the tiger’s fur, but let off a silver sheen.
Her voice was full of fear as she cried,” Who are you?” she looked at me with wide frightened eyes.
“I am a destiny phoenix and you are my human.” I spoke to her in the bond we shared.
Her gold eyes turned from confusion, to wonder, then finally pure joy. Smiling at me so sweetly that I knew that I would do anything to make her smile like that again and again.
Still smiling, her fear cast aside the child said cheerfully;” My name is Maya Drakoyan, princess of the creatures.”
I chuckled softly thrilling,” Are you, Maya?” my eyes peered into my human’s soul and I noticed the gem that no one had seen for 20,000 years. Huh? I don’t understand what this means.
Maya grinned,” I like the animals and they like me! Even the vampires like me. They’re really funny.”
The tiger laughed,” I like the vampires too. You have no idea where they got their humor from, Ayave.”
Maya pouted and as the kind child she was said,” I like them so don’t make fun of them, Ravena.”
I thrilled softly as Maya asked,” What’s your name?”
Pausing I said softly,” Phoenixes are given our names by our humans, not our parents. Will you name me, Maya Drakoyan, my human?”
Maya’s eyes turned bright as she thought carefully as she looked at me carefully. Her hair blew back in the harsh winds as the rain began to slow.
“ I know your name shall be Moonlight.” Maya exclaimed happily. I like this, it seems like something a little girl would name her pet.
I thrilled trilled? delighted with the name she chose, it was a great honor to be named by your human when most don’t find their destined humans of my race.
“MAYA!!!” a loud female voice shouted angrily off in the distance. Maya’s eyes turned wide with fear as she began to back away.
My eyes burned with rage at whoever it was that was scaring my human, as I turned a saw a…… To me, this feels like a very cliché and unnecessary ending to the chapter.

Alright, so I like the idea of the animals and humans coexisting and being able to communicate. The way the animals seem to be bonded to them really interests me.

However, there are still a lot of grammatical errors in your writing, which makes it difficult to focus on the story. In this chapter (and in parts of your other stories) you use a ton of adverbs. It really slows down the pace, and many of them are just unnecessary. I’d say you can cut out at least half of them and your story would be better for it.

Soulkana

Comment

Soulkana commented Comment · Apr 4, 2011

Thanks for the reviews you guys just wanted to say if you want to continue reading go to fictionpress.com/~theancientscourt it has the next 49 chapters and also the rewritten version of chapters 1-3 feel free to check them out.
Soulkana<3

Shearwater

Review

Shearwater wrote a review Review · Oct 2, 2010

Hi Kana! Pink here, I'll be reviewing this for you today.

Nitpicks/comments

I flew softly along the wind currents, my shocking black and silver feathers glistening in the frigid morning sun. I flew over a house, with a young boy chasing a unicorn into the woods.

You have a nice beginning sentence, although I disliked the usage of the word 'shocking'. My main nitpick with this here is that both sentences start with 'I flew'. Vary it up.

Thrilling softly(,) I flew to the old one for it was my time to go out and find my human. I was excited for this is what every destiny phoenix waited for.

I suggest learning some basic comma rules and such, I noticed you have a few errors concerning them here and there. Just a swift brush-up will do fine.

“Ah come in young phoenix(,)” The old one said(.) (H)is kind ruby eyes grew distant as he coughed, for losing his master had made him struggle for every frail breath he took.

Now, we also need to work on correct quotation punctuation. I find this area to be where people struggle most.
Here is a little site that will help you with the basics of things: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp
Also try: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/577/01/

You shall know instinctively your human, young Ashanga.”

This sentence doesn't really make sense to me. Try rewording this, it's awkward to read.

I nodded as he erupted into flames, his ashes cold. The old one would never be reborn from his ashes again.

How can his ashes be cold if he erupted into flames? Shouldn't they still be somewhat warm?

she said fondly,” I think I shall like you, phoenix.

*she said fondly, "I think I shall like you, Phoenix."
Note the space between the comma and the quotation mark.

The tiger’s eyes were cold and full of rage.

What is he raging over?

Wind began to blow harshly as the sky began to turn black as an eerie calmness came over the land.

Maya grinned,” I like the animals and they like me! Even the vampires like me. They’re really funny.”

Just mentioning vampires here made this suddenly plummet in my scale.

Of course, that's just me.

“MAYA!!!” a loud female voice shouted angrily off in the distance. Maya’s eyes turned wide with fear as she began to back away.

No need for three exclamation marks...

My eyes burned with rage at whoever it was that was scaring my human, as I turned a saw a……

I don't think this is the best cliff hanger out there. It's kind of childish, if you ask me.

Overall
You're stating things randomly. Your writing lacks explanation to any events and you stated so many things that it's hard to completely follow what's going on in there. I have so many questions regarding these characters and such but you didn't explain much besides a few things. Sure, that's not bad, I mean it's only the first part and you can't put everything in two pages. But, even so, maybe you should have slowed down a little and gave us a more understanding view of this.
But, even with that said, I think you have nice plot going on here. It's interesting and I find myself quite curious with the whole aspect of it. The child, the phoenix, this type of world you've created, it's rather unique.

Your characters were quite 2D but I won't really go into this since it's the first chapter and all. One thing that bothered me about this was the pace. You skipped around a lot and you said one thing and then another, nothing really blended in together. Everything seemed to be disjointed and choppy. I'm not sure how to explain it very well but if you're still curious you can drop me a PM.

Grammar and punctuation need to be addressed, as I mentioned. A good time spent editing this piece can do it many favors. One small detail...I noticed your sentences were worded quite oddly. I know you were trying to go for the more fantasy-old kind of dialogue and all but it wasn't really working for me. I thought the words were kind of forced and jumbled up and in the end, came out sounding confused.
In the end, I think you did an okay job. Keep writing and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me

Cheers,

~Shear

rachburns Review

rachburns wrote a review Review · Oct 1, 2010

First off I want to say that I was very impressed by this piece. The quality of detail and the depth with which you went into the protagonist mind made me feel like I was right there living every moment with the characters . You have a great talent for writing and I hope you continue to post more of this story. I have yet to read chapter two and I am going to do so right after I finish posting this. One last thing, I would also like to say that the character was also very realistic, your ability to give viable reasons behind your character's emotions and to give information about the setting and the rules that this character lives their life by without using back story was very impressive and it made the story a lot stronger then it would of otherwise been. I look forward to reading what comes next. Thank you very much for posting

ziggiefred

Review

ziggiefred wrote a review Review · Sep 30, 2010

Hello there and welcome to YWS! I can see that you have done a few reviews despite the fact that you are really new so good job!
Now, back to the review. I thought that your writing showed amazing potential. You described your characters well and your situations, so it kind of painted vivid pictures in my head. I think though that right from the beginning, you gave away too much, too soon. There was no suspense what so ever and for a first chapter, you have to bring it! I have to want to read the second chapter. So because there is no suspense it just feels like a draft because everything is just plain. Try to build up anticipation with your story and don't assume I already know your characters. I think this was the major problem with your story. Also, watch out for spelling errors, you have few in there. But I can tell that this is a very creative story you have going on here.

So, I hope I helped a little. PM me if you need anything, and if you want to discuss anything.
I hope you enjoy it here, and keep writing. I'm looking forward to seeing more work by you

Ziggie.

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