Chapter One: Meeting the Reliks
The crackling of fire in the fireplace was the only sound within the Reliks house. The late winter wind of Aerona howled harshly outside the study of Haydrian Reliks. The man currently was scratching away at a pile of charts he needed to complete for work while glancing once and awhile to stare at his mated children, Aiden and Aryiana. The two were laying on the warm, plush red rug his wife had insisted on adding into the house when they learned of Aiden's delight for sleeping in front of the fireplace.
The two had suddenly arrived at their home some odd months ago, faces flushed from the winter cold and Aiden looking, for all intent and purposes, a haunted shell of a fourteen year old. His small stature and thinness were a sign of stunted growth; he looked eleven instead of his age Aryiana had welcomed the family immediately and had drawn everyone's affection along with it. However, Aiden had been extremely withdrawn and afraid of any contact they made with him.
Now, the teen never seemed to leave his father's sight when he came home. Haydrian couldn't help but chuckle softly at the development, earning a curious look from his newest daughter. Her eyes still shocked him, as they were a deep black with an intricate spider web design made of silver running through them. She had explained their purpose but nonetheless, they were rather exotic.
"It's nothing, Ary. Just reminiscing." The father explained, and smiled when she went back to stroking Aiden's long ebony hair with a tender gaze.
Aiden was stretched out on the carpet with his head resting in his mate's lap. Exhaustion had pulled the young teen out of school early and onto the rug where he had been sleeping contently for several hours. His red scaled wings curled around his body in a protective cocoon and soaked up the warm far better than his son's human skin.
The sound of glass shattering drew the father's attention away from his youngest children. His golden eyes narrowed in disapproval as he got up and made his way down the steps. Aryiana was gently cooing at Aiden, who had jerked awake at the frightening sound. He glanced warily at the father who gently stroked his hair first before continuing down stairs, saying, "Go back to sleep, Aiden. There's no danger."
The teen nodded and closed his eyes again. With a sigh, the father steeled himself for the damage that he would come upon. Before he could even reach the living room, he could hear the sound of his wife scolding their two sons rather viciously compared to usual.
"When I say no fighting in this house, I mean it! You do not throw anything in this house and especially not at your siblings, Endellion!" I winced at Angelica's enraged shouts as I stepped into the room which sent it into immediate silence.
He was immediately drawn to the coffee table Angelica had made just only three months ago. The once cherry-wood table with thick glass in a bright silver hue now lay in shambles on the far wall where it was dangerously close to Rhyian who was staring wide eyed and gaping at the eldest of our children.
"Do one of you boys want to explain why there was a fight that left your mother's coffee table broken?" He asked softly but both sons tensed at the dangerous waters they had just entered.
Rhyian nervously glanced between all three of us before whispering, "I was going to check on Aiden since he didn't look well leaving school earlier and Endellion seemed to not like it." He hastily glanced at the ground at the glare the other sent him.
"He's fourteen, Rhy! He can take care of himself." Endellion hissed angrily.
Haydrian stifled a sigh of irritation. Endellion's rather strong jealousy and dislike of the newest brother hadn't disappeared at all since their last discussion. Shooting him a firm glance, he scolded, "So throwing something at your brother in clear decision to want it to hit him was a good way to make your point?"
The teen's deep blue eyes lowered to the floor and he sighed again. Pointing in direction his room the father ordered, "Room, now."
He fled the room quickly while Angelica stood waving her hand at the table. It slowly mended back together before she spoke, "How is Aiden? He didn't say anything when he came home."
"He's fine. I don't believe he's used to being around so many children." Haydrian soothed while Rhyian shifted anxiously while eying the stairs longingly.
"Rhyian." Angelica drew the teen's attention immediately.
"Will you please tell Hikaru and Rosith that dinner will be ready soon?"
"Yes, mom." With that said, he fled the room just as Aryiana headed down the steps with concern shining in her eyes.
"Why does he find it so hard to like Aiden?" She asked irritably, hands curled tightly in small fists.
"Because he doesn't understand why I am this way." Aiden's quiet voice floated from the top of the steps, his violet eyes surveying the group and the possible exits out of sheer habit.
"Well, he better learn soon." Aryiana grumbled but smiled slightly when Aiden wrapped his arms around her waist.
Angelica steered the group towards the kitchen. Haydrian slipped out of notice as he made his way up the stairs towards Endellion's room. Aiden leaned against the cedar wood counter as their mother fiddled and fussed over the table and oven, humming as she went.
"What are we having, mama?" Aiden piped up as the smell of whatever was cooking wafted through the room.
"Lasagna and garlic bread, Aiden." Was the soft answer and Aiden titled his head, confused.
"What's lasagna?" This ceased all the talking within the room at once.
"It's a type of pasta." Angelica calmly explained but winced slightly when he continued to stare blankly at her. Her fingers clutched the dish towel tightly, green eyes sparking with anger.
"I'm sorry." Aiden mumbled, shying away from her out of instinct.
"It's not you, sweetheart." She calmed down and pulled the pan from the oven just as the rest of the family entered the kitchen.
"Aiden, did you finish the project for art?" Hikaru asked, her grey eyes begging for help.
"The one for ten drawings sharing a common theme?" Aiden fished for clarification as he sat in the chair on his father's left.
"Yes! I forgot about it!' She wailed, tears filling her eyes.
"It's not due till tomorrow. You have time, Hikaru." Aiden attempted to calm his sister. "Have you started it at all?"
When she shook her head tearfully, Aiden sighed. "Then I'll help you after dinner, okay?"
She nodded and the family lapsed into silence as they ate. Aiden stopped halfway through his plate and pushed it away. A grimaced twisted his face as he wrapped it in film and placed it in the fridge with an apologetic look towards his adopted parents.
Hi Soulkana! You've already gotten a lot of great comments, and to be honest I'm not the most knowledgeable about stories, as I usually stick to poetry. However, I read this and I fail to see a conflict that could sustain a novel. Perhaps it will come in an expanded version of this chapter, but right now I see a dad with golden eyes (this suggests something interesting) and some kids fighting (which feels like a short story conflict rather than a novel one). Does the conflict have to do with what Aiden remembered? Are the stuffed animals special somehow? Obviously you don't want to go overboard with exposition, but some hints to the bigger story would be nice.
Now this is strange. Does the son have a mate and they live with the dad? That's unusual, especially considering the son acts much too young for that. Or is "mate" meant in a more friendly sense. I'd clarify the setup here.
This is pretty well written, but it would benefit from some stronger ties to a larger story arc. Keep writing!
Hello there!
Alright first off this is a really short chapter. You really need to add more stuff into this if you want it to be considered as an actual chapter.
First thing I want to touch on is the pace. You need to pace the story evenly and make sure the reader doesn't get lost in all the action. I had to slow down and re read certain parts just because there was a sudden jump in the events. Also you mentioned the thing about the table being broken. What other things were there in the living room? Were they also destroyed? Describe the setting to show how big the fight was exactly.
Try reading these aloud and see if you need to catch your breath. I think you did. Why? Punctuation, my dear sir/madam, was invented for a reason. You need to add in commas and periods my friend! Without it the sentence can have a totally different meaning! There are some pretty good posts on forums about how to punctuate properly. Read those! They help!
Another thing, what's the 14 year old doing with a bunch of stuff toys? Shouldn't he be a little too old for that kind of thing? It's also weird when he behaves pretty timid in front of a fight. I was half expecting him to join in.
Overall a pretty good start, more elaboration would be good. I think I covered some the things others have already did, but I just realised that. I do hope my review was still helpful to you though!
This is very short but no probs as long as it tells enough and complete.
As the last reviwer mentioned, those lines does makes us confuse, so incomplete things in a short length of a chapter does not do any good.
Right now, your writing is good but there’s still room for improvement in there. Take some time and put yourself in the shoes of the reader.
Keep writing!
regards,
blakey789
This is the first chapter of a story, right? That may explain why it was a little confusing.
This was very confusing. Aiden was remembering what and why was he remembering it important? Rhyian went to grab what? Why'd Endellion get mad? I understand you're probably planning on elaborating on that later in the story, but that's a degree of vague that doesn't even hint at what's going on.The description could use some work. Paint a picture with words. I, as a reader, have no idea what this table that was so precious to his with looks like. For all I know it's just a normal coffee table made of glass. Give us slender, curling legs that took hours to make, and a filgeree top, oh, and stained glass the hue of a summer sky, or, if you're going for the foreboding look, dusky red. Describe the sharp glittering of the shattered pieces. Sounds, smells, touch...
I like the way you point out Aiden's eye color to show that he's unusual, and how natural the dialogue seemed. Keep writing!
Hey Soul!
Wow, this is a really short chapter! I think you should try to make it longer, don’t be afraid of length and if you think it’s too long to post on YWS because of reviewers, you can always break it up into bits – I would recommend a length of 2k words and if your chapter is longer, just make more segments. Example: Chapter 1, Chapter 1.5, Chapter 2, etc.
Introduction: I think you actually did pretty okay. I liked it. It wasn’t anything grand or clichéd but you were able to get me interested just by the sound of glass shattering.
There are some grammar issues and misspelled words in there. I don’t generally nitpick so I’ll leave that for someone else but I did spot a ‘probmised’ instead of a ‘promised’. Additionally, take some time to brush up on comma rules and correct dialogue punctuation because I noticed you had some difficulty in that area. You can go to the Forums and under Knowledge Base, there’s Writing Tutorials where you could find some nice topics that could help you understand punctuation a little better if not other things, too.
Also, you leave us with too many questions and concerns. Why is the fourteen year old boy so…fragile? Why does he still have stuffed animals? What is going on? I’m so confused. I want to know more so I can say more about this, but without you giving us more details I’m left feeling kind of disappointed and I can’t help as much as I would have liked. :c
There are couple things you can do for your characters and writing though, try to give us more of an idea of what this family is like with another level of description and imagery – and information, we loves the information. Right now, your writing is good but there’s still room for improvement in there. Take some time and put yourself in the shoes of the reader. What would we want to know and what would be best kept a secret for later?
Overall, it’s too short, needs meat, and I want more.
Keep writing and let me know if you have any questions.
-S
Heyo Soul
... the youngest, Aiden huddled...
His father probmised...
Veeren here to critique your lovely piece.
First things first, I have mixed feelings about the flow of the whole chapter. At first it felt like it was done well, but looking back on it, it seems kinda bumpy. Mainly between the first and second paragraph. The first sentence you use to connect where he was to where he is doesn't seem to fit. Maybe this would work better;
His face held a disapproving scowl as he entered the living room.
I didn't include the 'surveying eyes' part because typically, people don't describe eyes as scowling, the way you do here.
Now there are a couple nitpicks that I'd like to point out. First:
Spoiler
There should be a comma after Aiden.
And second;
Spoiler
Should be promised, but based on how the rest of this is written, I'm sure this was just a slip of your fingers on the keyboard.
All in all, it's not a bad piece in anyway. It seems like an interesting story, and way you point out the characters eye colors make me feel like there's a purpose behind it. I hope you'll be posting more chapter, I'd definitely read more.
So good job. You've got a great idea and you should definitely expand on it. Keep on writing
Well, hello there
This is.. An interesting piece, I must say.
I also must say, maybe because of the title, it reminded me of Addams Family movies, haha
Ok, to the serious talking.
Firstly, I liked the names. They alone tell that this story is (or about to be) a fantasy story, and their descriptions add to it.
I would like to see more of the descriptions, though. Apart from the father's and the youngest son's eyes, I didn't really find out much. Since they're not the same colour, I can guess that the mother's eyes are violet as well, but I would still like to see it written. You don't need to do it by saying "he looked like this and this and had this." Actually, I would mostly like to see it in form of thoughts, I think that would add some depth to the characters. As the father looks at the boys, he could think of how they resemble their mother, but their personalities are more like his when he was a child, or something like that.
The other thing, I would like to see some description of the place. Granted, this is a short scene and the dialogue is at the centre of attention, but it would be nice to give your readers some atmosphere, a proper place to imagine the characters in. Again, just like with the characters themselves, you don't need to describe it in details, you don't even need to use visual images. You can mention sounds, smells, the way something feels under the character's fingers or what something makes him think of. That would add to both the character depths and the better understanding of where the scene is actually happening
Now, I'm not a native English speaker, so I'm not going to discuss grammar now, I didn't even really pay attention to it. I am sure other reviewers, if there's something on that field to mention, will do so.
What I also liked? The way you made it seem natural. I can easily imagine a father talking like that to his children, and young boy's replies don't sound too grown up either. I would like to know how old the children are.
All in all, I liked this, it's a very nice scene. I am most certainly looking forward to read more, and to find out more about the characters, the world they live in, the thoughts they have, the way they see that world.. Do keep me posted, will you? You could let me know on my wall when you post the next part
I hope I said something useful, if not smart, in all those words. I also hope I didn't say anything wrong (that wasn't my intention, so sorry if something was too harsh)..
Keep writing!
Kind regards,
Aria
Thank you Aria xD Honestly I didn't know what to write for this and so this will be edited once I'm not pressured so much by school and college to be soon stuff lol