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Frozen Honor Chapter 1 Part 1-LMS Week 1

by Soulkana


Chapter One-Part One

A sharp, yet wavering cry, so similar to her own crow's cry drew the young teenager's focus to the window as her train began to slow into its station. Head nuzzling the limp form of a small fox kit was a young mother crying out as it attempted to wake the dead baby. Specks of fresh crimson dotted the brick cobblestone underneath the small family under a discarded bench and it wasn't until she saw the mother's eyes, that Ariana stopped her frantic tapping on the window pane as her nerves slid away like the rain pouring down the glass.

Vivid pale blue and rich amber eyes nailed her to her seat as a spike of fear and uncertainty pierced her heart. The shade of blue that reflected her intense love for winter sharply brought to the forefront the image of a young boy and a veil of black and warm laughter that chased away her own terrors. Ariana felt ice slip down her spine as the eyes continued to stare her down, as if demanding why she wasn't there by his side.

The jarring lunge of the train as it stopped tugged Ariana's attention away from the dread rushing through her mind. Instead, that dread switched focus and she fervently thanked her gymnastics instructor for shrinking her trunk as she bypassed the crowd of anxious students surrounding the professors on the train. She glanced back to wave quietly to quite a few of her friends as they too fled the train and disappeared to the other side.

Gently combing a hand through her hair, Ariana hailed an oncoming taxi as she remains solely on the non-magical side. As the bright yellow cab pulls to a stop, she carefully slides in and snaps the door closed just as one of the teachers steps out of the train and glanced around, eyes intently staring where she used to be.

"Where to, young miss?" The cab driver asks as she shields her face from the view of her teachers.

"The Oriental and Used Bookstore on Fifth Drive downtown, please." She rushed out as her healing teacher closes in on her direction.

Just as the cab speed off, Ariana sneaked a look back before allowing some of the tension coiling in her stomach to slip away as her instructors turn to leave. Save, for now. Settling back into the comfortable leather seats of the cab, she watches the scenery speed by and wonders briefly if her friends were as successful running as she had been. There was so much to come and she knew that not all of it would be easy.

“So why such a dusty old bookstore? You just got out of school, based on your uniform.” The kindly, elderly driver asks as he makes a soft turn left while watching her from the corner of his eyes, a concerned frown dipping his face.

Smiling faintly, Ariana explains with a reassuring smile, “My friend’s birthday is coming up. He likes the legends of the tribes to the east and so I always stop by to see if they have some new ones after school gets out.”

“I hope you find something for him then. It can be hard picking gifts when you’re not positive how they’ll enjoy them.” The man smiles gently as he stops in front of the bookstore, run down and almost abandoned this time of the year.

Handing over the last of her money, Ariana thanks the man with a grin before slipping out back into the light rain that fell. Pulling her waterproof jacket tightly around her against the chill, Ariana slips inside the store and waves to the old woman manning the register in familiar greeting. Ducking into the Eastern section, she browsed the shelves for a possible gift.

“That time of the year again, Ms. Ravenswood?” The elderly woman asked, a neatly printed name tag declared her as Roberta.

“Ah yes, I wanted to see if there was something for Aydan.” Ariana couldn’t stop the light blush that flickers across her face as Roberta smiles with a knowing glilnt.

“Still writing your weekly letters then?” Roberta laughs as she watches the fifteen year old flush darker, amber eyes flickering lightly with soft fondness at the mention of his letters.

“Ah, I think he may like this one.” Ariana picks through the books to find an ancient looking tomb, the cover nearly faded, but showed vibrantly in its deep reds and golds.

“Ah, old stories about the war between the tribes and the reconciliation afterwards. It has many of the old customs and religious aspects for each tribe. He would surely enjoy learning some of them if he doesn’t already know them. It’s a very solid read, even if the language is a bit old now.” Roberta smiles as she accepts the beautiful silvers coins from the Ariana in payment.

“It’s not often that a Northern Academy of Magicals comes by anymore. They mostly take the newer entryways. I’m glad you still remember little ol’ me.” Roberta gives a faint smile as Ariana carefully slips the book into her backpack.

“Please be careful, Ms. Trion. I may not be back for awhile.” Ariana softly reveals, brown eyes dimming faintly as she watches the grandmotherly woman nod, face turning serious.

“War is on the horizon. I’m glad you’re getting out while you still can, little Raven. Do be sure to take care of your friends. I know how much you care for all of us. I know telling you not to come back is a foolish pipe dream, so please just get stronger. I know you wish to end it.” Roberta sternly focused on her as she takes in Ariana’s oriental hair ornaments and the two sticks that glistened only faintly to the most discerning, of poison sheathed in the metal pin’s center.

“Don’t worry, Ryma, “ Ariana uses the ancient word for grandmother as she feels her eyes burn, “I’ll be going to get strong. I won’t let you all face this without me.”

As they near the back of the shop, a faint, shimmering flickers of silver reveals itself. Wrapping her frail arms around the young teenager, she had helped raise for almost ten years now, Roberta softly whispers, “It’s not your fault that they’re after you. Just keep yourself safe and come back to visit this old lady when you have the chance.”

Nodding in agreement, Ariana hugs back fiercely. Reluctant to let go, she allows her shields to fall and buries her face briefly into the old lady’s neck and inhaled the the sweet smell of lavender and jasmine, a scent she would never forget. The scent that reminded her solely of home and this kind woman who helped to shield her once frail heart from those who sought to break it.

Gently pushing Ariana through the doorway into the magical shopping district that lay behind her shop, Roberta chuckles at the slight scowl that fills Ariana’s face. Such a typical teenage expression she wouldn’t have shown anyone else except her friends and she knew that her adopted granddaughter would be perfectly alright. Waving her off as she finally disappears, Roberta closed her eyes and flips the nearby sign on the old window to “Closed,” it was time to prepare for the war that was all but started.


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562 Reviews


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Tue Oct 02, 2018 5:42 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi Shikora here with a review.

What i like

I really like how you began this chapter it was very interesting. It just drew me in right away so great job! I'm very interested with what the name of your story meant. Your really good with picking names though that's for sure.

The plot

I'm very interested with what the plot is going to be. I really like how you ended this chapter.

Roberta closed her eyes and flips the nearby sign on the old window to “Closed,” it was time to prepare for the war that was all but started.

this was a really good way to stop the chapter, because i'm sitting here dying to need no what will happen next so well done.

Characters

I'm really looking forward to find out more about all your characters. I'm just going to tell you something that will help you with your story. When your writing you should make sure that you go into the main characters thoughts a lot. That is something I've heard a lot and I thought I should let you know. It helps the reader form a bond with the character.

Setting

I really like how you keep the setting in mind it helps the reader keep a clear image in mind, and that is something that i really struggle with when writing, so well done.

So that is all from me. I really liked reading this chapter and I have plans to read the next one soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




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Wed Feb 22, 2017 2:40 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey there!

This is a pretty interesting start to your story and I'm sure will make for a cool concept. Magic and magicians are always so fun to read about!

A few nitpicky things:

A sharp, yet wavering cry, so similar to her own crow's cry drew the young teenager's focus to the window as her train began to slow into its station.


I feel like a little too much information was crammed into this first sentence. With the extra information, I think it loses some of its potential charm. There's the cry, the info about "her own crow", a young teenager, focusing on a window, and a train approaching a station. It just feels too much - and really, a bit lagging. Information can be weaved in later - for example, you've already mentioned Ariana is 15 later on, so changing "young teenager" to simply "girl" would work. I just thought I would point this out because a first sentence is very crucial in hooking readers in!

Roberta gives a faint smile as Ariana carefully slips the book into her backpack.


I couldn't help but notice the use of "as" in this part. As is such a helpful word, but I think it was a little overdone in this first part. Many of the "as"s that are used could be changed into different words (when, and, but, at the same time - to name a few). In this sentence, for example, replacing the "as" with "when" has pretty much the same meaning.

Now, actual story things! Feltrix mentioned below world building first and then introduction to the war. I have to agree - especially since this is the first chapter, pouncing a ton of information about what Ariana will have to undergo or what the plot's gonna be about can be overwhelming. I would weave in a few hints to the plot/war beforehand, and then really present itself in a few chapters or so.

In this particular part it just felt like a little too much was introduced in one time. Though it's an action story, and they're generally intense and fast paced, slowing down just to ease the readers into the story is helpful.

You have some lovely descriptions, though! I especially love this little part here:

Vivid pale blue and rich amber eyes nailed her to her seat as a spike of fear and uncertainty pierced her heart. The shade of blue that reflected her intense love for winter sharply brought to the forefront the image of a young boy and a veil of black and warm laughter that chased away her own terrors.


Lovely descriptions!

I think that's all right now. Care to let me know when the second part is out? I would love to follow Ariana on her journey.

~EternalRain




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Tue Feb 14, 2017 2:09 am
Feltrix wrote a review...



First of all, I'm very interested to see where this goes. I always like a good magical war, but what I really want to know in the first chapter is what makes this world different from ours? What is this Northern Academy of Magic? What is the history of the tribe(s) that will be at war? Why are people after Ariana Ravenswood? It seems like you're trying to explain differences as they come along, which works fine to an extent, but it can also get confusing.

The first thing I'd start with is really introducing the reader to the world, going through daily life and just hinting at a war instead of war being an immediate central focus. Once the reader is acquainted with the world, then transition to the war.

There are a few grammatical errors, "It’s not often that a Northern Academy of Magicals comes by anymore." is phrased oddly and '...the cab speed off...' should be '...the cab sped off...', but there's no major errors that I can see.

The fox in the beginning....does that have any plot significance? Is it metaphorical? It's well written, but if it isn't either of those, it seems like a strange choice to begin your book with. '...similar to her own crow's cry...' That sounds important, given the protagonists last name. I'd add more emphasis to that.

My main suggestion is, again, focus on this world's differences from ours before going into the affairs of the story.

Feltrix




Soulkana says...


That fox is important so XD



Feltrix says...


In that case, it makes sense.




The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec