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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Ashleylee, Vampireknight and Dreamworx - thank you all for your kind comments and suggestions.
I am glad you liked it. I thought it was very origional.
I have just written a scene that I think will make a few hairs stand on end and will hopefully post it soon for critiques.
Ashleylee - I really like your idea of using one and incorporating the other (I was leaning a bit in that direction already but its nice to have someone else confirm my sentiments). Also - you are the ONLY person thus far who seems to have picked up on the whole 'demon' within concept.
Vampireknight - I hear what you're saying about Lamia, but it was kind of the point. The first prologue I wanted everyone to see the monster, the second is where you see the woman. I wanted the two to contrast as much as possible in that element. And believe me, there will be plenty of gore.
Dreamworx - in answer to your question, yes they can - but only to a certain point. The mind has to be very open, overwhelmed by strong emotions too intense to really keep bottled in, or they want their thoughts to be heard for means of communication. Its a tricky skill and usually the younger generations have trouble mastering thier minds because its all so new. And yes, he did feed her animal blood.
Again, thank you all so very much for taking the time to read and review
I really liked the second one. I could really feel her pain from the way you wrote it. It's mysterious and leaves the reader wondering. When read that it was about vampires, I was a little worried at first that it was going to be corny. But it's actually really good so far. It's really descriptive and has good word choices. I could barely find any errors. I'm curious about a few things though, can vampires hear each others thoughts? And was it animal blood that he fed her? I don't know if you've ever read Twilight but it sounds a little Stephenie Meyer-esque, yet still really original. Also, there are a couple of word choices that could be improved:
Instead of "vamprioric", I would use vampiric, just sounds better, you know?
And I think "slaughtered" would be a better word than "slew", because slew actually means an indeterminately great amount or number. So you just got your definitions confused there. But other than that, I think the second prologue is really good and I can't wait to read the second chapter.
I really liked the first one I thought it was very well wrote with a lot of well said vocabulary. I do have one problem with it that it might make it more enthralling. when I read it really sounded like Lamia was enjoying every moment of it. This is only My thought about it but try and make her struggle abite, and try to make there more gore in it. The best type of Vampire related works is if there's a bunch of blood in it.
(ie: all Blade movies, and all Underworld movies)
Wow...you are making my decision so very hard. I absolutely loved both prologues...but I think the first one is much more powerful. I suggest you use that one and then somehow incorporate the second one into the whole of your novel...if you do plan to continue this which I suggest you do!
Umm, I didn't notice anything wrong with this. The second one was slightly confusing since I didn't know who some of the people were, but I think I will understand with the more you pose of this.
I like how you made the vampires godlike creatures of the underworld. It made them seem so dark and ugly...and yet I bet they are beautiful right?? Also, how you made it so there is like a demon living inside of them...that was a totally unique concept. I liked it!
Please keep going with this!
Very good!
Gold star, I think!
Hey you,
as always it is greatly appreciated.
thanks for the review
I wasn't sure if I would use one or both, its still kind of up in the air.
Also, I just wanted to respond to one of your comments...
That was kind of the general idea. I know vampires are always supposed to be seen as rabid killing machines with no feelings or emotions, but I wanted to put a different spin into the mix.
They're not these godlike creatures who consider themselves superior to 'humans' (at least, not all of them anyways ;P) but rather, lost souls left to battle through what is more of a waking nightmare to them and a curse.
Lamia is essentially a good person, but she is warped by her thirst for revenge. Luther, her sire, is evil and sadistic and turned her into an animal then set her loose on city that had been her home. (exemplifed in the first prologue).
The 2nd is where we see 'her'. It is a complicated concept and is absolutely explained more indepth in the book, but I'm glad you picked up on the 'less merciless vibe' since that was the tone I was aiming for
Hey there,
You're planning to use only one of the two prologues, right? I'd suggest using the first one, for it is much stronger than the second. Or you could combine the two of them a bit, start with the first, have a time jump, then have the second. I've only reviewed the first one, though I've read the second, and must say that I prefer the 1rst. The second makes the vampires seem weaker and less merciless than the first, so they seem less impressive and... well, evil.
As usual, the review's in the attachment
I hope it's useful to you! Happy editing
XxxDo
Woo hoo! Thanks for the review
The hearts are "waiting" to be bled dry? Odd usage - makes it seem as if the bleeding is voluntary; seems a bit discordant. A bit of repetition in describing the moon. Again, the use of "waiting" - are grapes willingly picked, or are they seized from the vine by an unwelcome force?
Q - Setting is established on a coast or a salt lake.
A - Lybia is a costal city.
Q - Would the life be both ebbing and flowing? That suggests a periodic shift like the tides; death by vampire is usually pretty quick and unidirectional, isn't it?
A - Generally it has been depicted as such. But I never found that to be very ... realistic, or dramatic. In this story, I want the feeding to be much more and definately want it to be drawn out...unless they can't seem to contain themselves. The more sinister vampires in this story enjoy playing with thier food ;P
So Luther's finally named. Seems like a decent enough chap
- Lol, that's what my friend and muse Saadia said. Too bad he's going to be the villian of this piece
Q - Okay, so Lamia is destroying the entire city? Ouch.
A - Yes she is. There was an old greek myth which I combined with a few other elements and played with my own spin on the folklore to give this character more depth. She is not the lead, but she is a vital piece and plays a very important role in the story which is to be the first book in two seperate series I am working on.
Q - In Libya? Luther's a Germanic name. This points to a wide and diverse network, and if they go around like this every once in a while, sucks to be human.
A - I wouldn't say this is a nightly venture, this was her first night released upon the city that had once been her home. She is feeding on friends, family and loved ones. Luther is sick and incredibly cruel. In this prologue, Lamia is lost inside the hunger of the demon and is unaware of the true horrors she is about to commit. You'll see her remorse and grief for her actions expressed in prologue #2.
Alrighty.
Here's some streaming feedback for you to dwell upon
The hearts are "waiting" to be bled dry? Odd usage - makes it seem as if the bleeding is voluntary; seems a bit discordant. A bit of repetition in describing the moon. Again, the use of "waiting" - are grapes willingly picked, or are they seized from the vine by an unwelcome force?
The first line of the second paragraph flows a little better with "and" instead of "but." In the telepathic statement, the object goes from the singular "sleeping city" to the implied plural "people," but you don't acknowledge this. Coarse. Comma after "Feel them all." Emphasize the second "Feel them" in italics?
Setting is established on a coast or a salt lake.
Would the life be both ebbing and flowing? That suggests a periodic shift like the tides; death by vampire is usually pretty quick and unidirectional, isn't it?
"Even" seems a bit odd in that context. It doesn't really belong at all. A bit of comma work in this paragraph, too.
Vise, not vice, though bad habits do tend to be difficult to remove, as well.
Nothing in the next paragraph.
You're, not your.
Nothing as well here.
So Luther's finally named. Seems like a decent enough chap
Nothing in the next paragraph.
Okay, so Lamia is destroying the entire city? Ouch.
In Libya? Luther's a Germanic name. This points to a wide and diverse network, and if they go around like this every once in a while, sucks to be human.
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I have to get going right now; I'll look at the second part when I get back.
Cheers,
MG