When Innocence Dies ~ Chapter five

Sorsha, you have no idea how excited I got when you PMed me about having chapter five and six up for this story. I couldn't read it yesterday cause I couldn't be on the internet but now I can and I am ready to read!

“Since when did you become so ruthless?” He demanded.

Remember, small "h" on "he" when having a tag on dialogue.

“I am thinking of the bigger picture here.” She exclaimed defensively.

Should be a comma instead of a period after "here" and a small "s" on "She"

“Damn you.” Lamia growled deep in the voice of her predator which was deep and menacing; eyes flaming red in her sockets.

Comma instead of a period after "you"
Also, here, you talk about a predator? I'm guessing you are talking about her vampire demon within her but I would go into more detail about that just to make it clear.

“Damn you for that.” By the time she’d stormed away from him the marks had begun to heal in Sangard’s flesh, but the sting remained in his heart and echoed in his soul.

Or perhaps she was…

What do you mean by this? I would elaborate more here.

“Why don’t you get some rest, I will take over the monitors for a time.” Lamia offered with a careful nudge of his shoulder, the gesture much like that of a concerned parent.

Comma instead of a period after "time"

“Commander, you can’t be serious.” She balked.

Comma instead of a period after "serious" and a small "s" on "she"

The glint in the Commanders eyes would have killed a lesser man on the spot.

“Go home Faye. I am ordering you to take three weeks leave with pay. Get plenty of rest and when you come back – do so with a clear and level head. You’re of no use to me like this, Sunhill.”

Comma before "Faye"

“Are you listening to me Detective? You may not be officially on the case, but that doesn’t’ mean you won’t be working it.”

Comma after "me"

“But…he…dismissed.” Faye sputtered, hating how weak and simpering she sounded but it was beyond her control.

Comma instead of a period after "dismissed"

When the door opened, there was a flood of light and she cried out, the sharpness burned her eyes she wrapped her arms around her head to block it out while snarling filled her mind.

This is really oddly worded. Try something like: When the door opened, there was a flood of light and she cried out, the sharpness burning her eyes. She wrapped her arms around her head to block it out while snarling filled her mind. or something like that.

She had been too distraught to take in what he had looked like, but his eyes had been vivid and intense amber color, they had been so convincing, even with her face buried in his chest she could still seem them in her mind.

You are missing the word "a". It should be between "been" and "vivid"

She heard his voice as he whispered something foreign but soothing in her ear, his hands wrapped around her back and drew her closer for comfort.

It should be a semicolon instead of a comma after "ear".

“Where am I?” She sobbed.

Small "s" on "she"

Turning the cameras into idle mood, Darius lowered his head to the desk and allowed himself to sleep for the first time in three days.

Do you mean "mode" instead of "mood"...?

It was like begin caught between a dream, a nightmare and reality.

Should be "being" instead of "begin"

Oooo, this chapter was just as good as all the other chapters. I found nothing wrong except for what I pointed out above ^^^.

On to chapter six!