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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
thanks blooming phoenix
Hello Ashleylee
Just a few answers to your questions:
I actually based this loosely off an experience I had. No where near as intense though
LOL yes, wolf & vampire. The wolf is what is known as the vampires 'predator form' this will be explained in more depth further into the story as we learn more about my new concept of 'vampire'. So, stay tuned.
Great work.
Hey, Sorsha2! I'm here at your request and I'm actually really excited because I remember reviewing your prologues and I had been wondering if this was being continued...so thanks for posting your Ad about this!
On with the review...
I would put a semicolon instead of a comma after "themselves"
Intensity what? You just kind of cut off on this end of this setence...try to explain more.
This is worded funny...I think it is that extra "and" after the comma. Just delete that and it might sound better.
She's going to wait hours in a creepy wood to head back...? Umm, if that were me, I would be beyond freaked out. I would have circled around, grabbed my stuff, and then run back home...but I guess that's me. Just try to think of what you would do in that situation and that way it will come out more realistic.
"Scream" instead of "screamed"
Okay, when you write dialogue, you need to remember that if you have a tag after the sentence, it should be a comma instead of a period. Like so in this sentence, it should be a comma after "begun" instead of a period.
Good ending paragraph!
This was really good. Very suspenseful and full of life! The only part that was confusing was the image of Luther, I think. The guy who changed Laura. He was like wolf and vampire??? Try to explaint that more, at least in description since it is slightly confusing at the present time.
Other than that, this was really good!
Keep up the good work!
Hm. Alright - thanks again, I'll be sure to review this scene carefully with your observations in mind.
Well actually the only thing causing the mild cheesy feeling was the way you wrote your dialogue and the actions of the character in general. Darius was sort of the "main" character in the second area, and yet you did not really focus on his feelings, his reactions to whatever happened. All you need to do is to just write EVERY SINGLE THING they would have been doing, from a single clenching of the fist to getting up from a crouch, and all of the "focus character"'s thoughts at any point in time. At the ending, you sort of "forgot" Lamia, too. The dialogue could have been less artificial, although I understand that you couldn't help it because of the plot... But try, put yourself in your characters' shoes; what will you say? Those were the things you lacked. Just add them all in and you'll have a flawless piece.
Thank you both for your wonderful and kind compliments
Bishop - 'guinea pig' was exactly how I thought of myself and those within my age group as we went through highschool since we were the ones test driving everything that is in place now. Everything that Laura was going through in that passage was very close to home for me so I'm glad you saw the humor and accuracy in that description
Also I am terrible for runon scentences - sometimes I just get so carried away when I'm writing I forget to breathe ... and it shows in the writing I suppose hahahaha I'll do a read over and see if I can weed some of them out.
Acosmist - I was wondering if perhaps you'd be able to highlight the parts you found 'cheesy'. Was it just the end or were there a few others scattered throughtout the segment?
thanks again you guys for taking the time to read this chapter, it was very much appreciated!
Lol, it was good. I was hooked, and the writing was fantastic, save a couple of typos. The only thing would be the later parts... It sounded -pardon me- a little corny... I lost most of that grim atmosphere you carefully established earlier on. The first part was really good, but the second part could be presented with a little less cheese. It was like you just wanted to get it over and done with, so you threw in a couple of generic sentences and called it finished.
Buuutt I'm not one to talk, my writing isn't better than yours, in any case xD
Keep writing ^^
Well it really did take me a while to get through it, but it wasn't like I wasn't truly hooked onto it after I got a little further down. I like how you referred to the youth as "guinea pigs" because of the way they acted, and were treated, you really do have the level of imagination as I, and it's a weird imagination, not like most people's, but gladly we can relate. Keep up the good work, I really did not see any mistakes other than some run on sentences, ones that if you were really talking it out loud, you would run out of breathe on, but not too shabby