E - Everyone

(untitled) Chapter Two (part two)

The next morning, Frostpaw had gone battle training at the Moss Place with Dawnpaw, Stonemouth and Flamefur. Sparkletail had moved into the nursery with Roseclaw, and Waterfoot was now sleeping happily in his new moss. "Frostpaw, pay attention!" Stonemouth scolded. She snapped back to reality. Flamefur was staring at her with a rather amused look, and Dawnpaw gave her a sympathetic smile.

"Sorry." Frostpaw said, and crouched into a battle stance. Dawnpaw did the same.

"Now Frostpaw, remember that you are a smaller opponent, you need to use your speed and agility against Dawnpaw's strength." Stonemouth told her.

Frostpaw nodded. Leap and Hold. That's what she would try. She had learned the move on her first day of battle training. She sprang onto Dawnpaw's back, and gripped on, claws sheathed. She delivered a couple of nips on his side. Dawnpaw dropped and rolled in an attempt to get Frostpaw off of his back. Frostpaw fell back onto the ground, and Dawnpaw swiped at Frostpaw. He stood over her, and smiled.

Stonemouth sighed. "Well done on the Leap and Hold, but you need to get out of the way after you're done."

Flamefur smiled. "Well done Dawnpaw." She meowed simply. "Sparkletail has taught you well." She congratulated.

At the mention of Sparkletail's name, Stonemouth's eyes glazed over with worry. Flamefur saw the look on his face. "You worry to much, she'll be fine." She meowed.

Stonemouth nodded, reassured. "Again." He meowed, and the apprentice's began to fight.

Dawnpaw dove at her legs. Frostpaw jumped above him, and landed on the other side, she turned quickly to see what he would do next. Dawnpaw had landed in a pile of leaves, and he spat some of them out. Frostpaw laughed a little as he stood. Dawnpaw smiled, and charged again, a little slower. Frostpaw smiled, and jumped as he came closer, but Dawnpaw caught her by her back legs, and she fell backwards into the softer moss.

Stonemouth frowned. "That's enough battle training for today." He said, and looked at Flamefur. She nodded. Before they headed back to camp, they stopped to hunt a little ways away. Together, they could only find a squirell, and one scrawny mouse. Flamefur looked at their catch worriedly.

"Is leafbare really coming so soon?" She asked. Stonemouth shook his head, and they walked back to camp.

Stonemouth immediately dropped his mouse on the fresh kill pile, and went towards the nursery.

Flamefur dropped her squirell on the pile as well, and walked into Sunstar's den.

Dawnpaw looked at Frostpaw. "What do you want to do?" He asked her.

She shrugged. "I suppose we are done for a while," she paused, and smiled mischieviously. "You want to go to the pool of water near MoonClan?" She asked.

Dawnpaw looked away. "I'm not sure, we're not supposed to leave camp without a warrior." He said uncertain.

"Oh come on! You worry too much!" Frostpaw said repeating Flamefur's words. She looked around camp. She knew Ashfrost, Rabbitears and Fireeyes were out checking the CloudClan border, and Hazellegs and Owlpaw were out at the rabbitholes. Stonemouth, Roseclaw, Sparkletail and the kits were all in the nursery. Waterfoot was probably in the elder's den, and Whisperstream was in the Medicine Cat Den. She heard Flamefur's soft voice and Sunstar laughed from inside his den. All cats were occupied with whatever they were supposed to be doing. Frostpaw smiled. "Let's go!" She said, and leapt out of the camp entrance. Dawnpaw sighed, and followed her.

Together they raced across the open moor towards the small pond. Frostpaw sighed when she looked into it. Dawnpaw's reflection appeared beside Frostpaw's. They both smiled. Frostpaw moved her paw across the image, and laughed as it rippled. When the water had stopped moving, Dawnpaw's and Frostpaw's faces smiled at each other once more.

A shrill cry came from the opposite side of the lake. Frostpaw looked up, and saw a small kit struggling to keep it's head above the water. The two apprentices ran over to the kit. Frostpaw looked at Dawnpaw. "I don't know how to swim!" She mewed frantically. She looked back at the kit.

Dawnpaw looked at the small kit, and jumped in. He grabbed onto it's scruff, and paddled furiously to keep his, and the kit's head above water. Frostpaw reached out, and took the kit, who was a little heavier than she expected. Dawnpaw scrambled out. Frostpaw set the kit down, and licked it's fur.

"Get your tongue off of me!" It mewed in a high voice. Frostpaw stopped.

"What's your name?" Dawnpaw asked it.

The cat puffed it's chest out. "I'm Duskpaw, of MoonClan." He said proudly, licking himself.

"You are an apprentice?" Frostpaw asked, confused.

"WELL DUH!" Duskpaw meowed. "I really should be going though," he said, and turned towards MoonClan.

Dawnpaw glared at Duskpaw. "You're lucky we saved you." He hissed, and turned to head back to camp. Frostpaw took one las look at Duskpaw, and followed Dawnpaw back to camp.

No cat had noticed their arrival. The sky was growing darker, and it started to rain, the drops heavy, and cold. The cats headed into the apprentice's den. Dawnpaw licked his wet fur, and fell asleep in a far corner of the den. Frostpaw sighed, and licked her sore feet as well, and fell asleep.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
BeTheChange
Review

Write. More. Of. This. Please!
Grammar/spelling--still need work, but don't detract from the overall story.
Plot--intriguing, though not much happened in this part? I feel like there was some foreshadowing/set-up going on, which is good--or would be good, if more of this was posted! (Sorry, I just really want to know what happens, lol)
Good luck!!!

Hey, Snazzy! Chrissy here for a review.

Couple of nitpicks.

"Sorry." Frostpaw said, and crouched into a battle stance.


You're supposed to put a comma instead of the period at the end of the dialogue. Like this...

"Sorry," Frostpaw said, and crouched into a battle stance.

See what I mean?

Waterfoot was probably in the elder's den, and Whisperstream was in the Medicine Cat Den.


That's two dens in the same sentence. You might want to change one of them out. Maybe this...

Waterfoot was probably in the elder's den, and Whisperstream was with the Medicine Cat.


It flows better, besides.

"I'm Duskpaw, of MoonClan."


That's his title right? You don't need a comma between his name and the rest of the sentence.

I love the cats, and there names are original. They seem very human, but still like cats. If that's what you were trying to do, then good job. I have to go now.

:D Thanks for the review! :)

User avatar
BookWolf
Review

Well, I guess this is gonna be a short review. :D Mainly because I could hardly find anything wrong, and most of my corrections are simple mistakes or just suggestions. But, of course, this was sort of a short chapter. :P Doesn't matter though, it was still great. It especially left me wondering about the apprentice that they thought was a kit.

Here are the corrections! :D




Leap and Hold. (This would be easier to read if it was in italics, because it shows us that is what Frostpaw is thinking and planning to do)

He said, and looked at Flamefur. (This would sound better if you put, "He said, looking at Flamefur." Also, :P you forgot 'meowed')

and Hazellegs and Owlpaw were out at the rabbitholes. (You forgot to capitalize the 'r' in 'rabbitholes')

Dawnpaw sighed, and followed her. (This would sound better if you put, "Dawnpaw sighed, but followed her anyway.")

and paddled furiously to keep his, and the kit's head above water. (There should be a comma after 'head')

Frostpaw took one las look at Duskpaw, ('las' should be 'last')

the drops heavy, and cold. (The comma after 'heavy' in unnecessary)



That's it, and I really don't have anything else to say. :D Your words flowed smoothly and you used just the right amount of description without taking away from the actual story. There's a lot less smiling, but you still put enough to express that happiness of your characters. :D

Awesome work! <3

~BookWolf


P.S. I'm just gonna tell you that soon YOU'RE gonna have something to review. :P I have a prologue that I'm still working, but it should be published sometime today or tomorrow. :D

Thanks for the review!! :D :) I can't wait for the prologue! *rubs hands together evily* *evil laugh* :D :)

Lol :D :D

I'm gonna make it SO LONG and make SO MANY typos that you will never be able to stop!!! *Laughs evilly with you* MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

:P



If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson