E - Everyone

The Photo: Chapter Two (part one corrected)

I woke up as the sunlight poured into my room. I yawned and stretched. Somehow I was still clutching the photo of the blue-eyed baby in my hand. I got up sleepily and laid the picture back on my dresser. I think the photo is magical. Like a really strong anti-depressant pill, it makes all of my worries melt away. I will have to take it to Mrs. M. today, I thought. Yet some doubt in my mind knew that I wouldn't. After I got dressed I went downstairs for breakfast.

“Good morning, Rose,” Mrs. Ranker greeted me as I walked into the kitchen. “Did you sleep well last night?”

“Actually, yes I did.” I said truthfully. I grabbed a plate from the cabinet, and a couple of eggs from the fridge. I cracked each into a bowl and stirred them together. Then I poured them into the skillet. “Where is Ken?” I asked.

Right on cue the weirdo of a boy came clomping down the stairs, with his ear buds in. Apparently he had persuaded Mrs. Ranker to give them back to him. “What’s for breakfast, mom?” Ken asked. He grabbed an apple and threw it behind his back, and attempted to catch it with his other hand, but the apple flew behind him and fell onto the floor.

“Well, you can eat that apple now that it is bruised.” Mrs. Ranker said, looking up from the mail.

Ken grabbed the apple from off the floor and took a humongous bite out of it. He grabbed his coat and headed out the door.

“Where are you going?” Mrs. Ranker asked.

“Soccer field,” he said between bites.

“Alright, make sure you are home in time for supper!” she called after him.

Ken nodded and began to jog down the street.

“That reminds me Rose.” Mrs. Ranker looked up from the mail. “I need you to go to Mr. Connor’s and get 2 ½ lbs. of meat for supper tonight.” She handed me a 20 dollar bill. “This should be more than enough for it. “If you want you can stop by Madelynn’s and get a few treats for yourself.” She winked.

“Okay, thanks Mrs. Ranker!” I said. I finished my eggs hastily, ate them, and headed out the door.

  I shivered and pulled my jacket tighter. This fall was turning out to be a bitter one, and it wouldn’t be long till snow would make its appearance. Fall break would soon be over, and then, it was back to school, or, in my case, back to my very own torture chamber. It wasn't really the schoolwork part of it that bugged me; it was the social part of school that I hated.

The sun was starting to warm things up as I approached Mr. Connor’s butcher shop, so I took off my jacket.

“Good morning Rose! Are you getting the same as usual?” He asked in his thick Irish accent.

“Yes.” I answered as I handed him the 20 dollar bill.

He took the 20 and disappeared into a back room. I looked around. I hated the butcher’s shop. It always smelled horrible, and I could almost feel the silence of death.

“Aye, here you are little lass.” Mr. Connor handed me the change and the two bags.

“Thank you Mr. Connor!” I said.

“Oh, please call me Eamon." he said. “I remember when you were just a wee one. Only a mere 6 lbs. ye were.” He stared off distantly. “Your mother said you were stubborn, didn’t want to come out!” He laughed. “They were very good people Rose. You should be proud of them.” He said fondly.

“I am.” I whispered. “Goodbye Mr. Connor.” I said quickly. I had to get out of here, the tears had already started coming. Apparently I did have some tears to spare, despite how many I had already let out.

“Goodbye!” He said cheerfully, not seeing my wet eyes.

I quickly walked out and headed toward the soccer field. I slowly wiped my tears away. I wanted to see Ken. Somehow, (despite how terribly annoying he is) he always seemed to make me smile. I looked up to see Ken walking towards me. That’s weird. I thought. The soccer field was at least 10 minutes from here. He must of not stayed for very long. I decided.

“Hey Ken.” I said.

“Hey,” he said quieter than usual.

I stared at the ground and followed Ken silently. I wanted to ask him so many questions, about me, about my family. Finally I got the nerve to ask him one. “Did-did you know my brother?” I asked.

He slowed down suddenly. “No, not really.” He said slowly.

“Oh.” I said solemnly, and continued walking, while staring at the ground.

He quickened his pace a little and spoke. “Well, I guess I did a little. Why do you ask?"

The questions spilled out of my heart like a fountain. “What did he like to do? Did he look like me?” I asked. “What was his favorite food?”

“I said I knew him a little! It’s not like I watched his every move!” Ken barked.

I was silent for the rest of the way home.

Finally Ken broke the silence as we walked up the driveway. “Pizza. His favorite food was pizza.” He said quietly. He then opened the door to the house, and went up the stairs to his room.

Pizza, I thought as I opened the door. His favorite food was pizza. I smiled to myself at the newly gained knowledge of my past.

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
BeTheChange
Review

1. You use "lbs" twice in this chapter, but when writing something like this, it should be written out--"pounds".
2. I did like the development of plot and character.
3. There are other assorted grammar issues--I think some other reviewers pointed them out before I did, though.
Good luck with this! Do you plan to continue it? (My internal monologue: please say "yes", please say "yes"...)

User avatar
TriSARAHtops
Review

Hello again! I am back to review. :)

Nitpicks first, then I'll talk more generally.

I woke up as the sunlight poured into my room. I yawned and stretched. Somehow I was still clutching the photo of the blue-eyed baby in my hand. I got up sleepily and laid the picture back on my dresser. I think the photo is magical. Like a really strong anti-depressant pill, it makes all of my worries melt away. I will have to take it to Mrs. M. today, I thought. Yet some doubt in my mind knew that I wouldn't. After I got dressed I went downstairs for breakfast.

The writing of this paragraph felt a little bit too jolty. The same thing happens every now and again in the rest of the piece, however it was really pronounced here. best way to fix it is to vary your sentence length a bit more, through in a few complex sentences. Otherwise it feels a little robotic, which hinders the emotion of it - and this is a part where you could have a lot of emotion.


“That reminds me Rose.” Mrs. Ranker looked up from the mail. “I need you to go to Mr. Connor’s and get 2 ½ lbs. of meat for supper tonight.” She handed me a 20 dollar bill.

As a general rule, it's best to write numbers as words, rather than numerically. Same with measurements. So you ought to write "2 1/2 lbs" as "two and a half pounds". Best not to write the actual numbers unless you've got an address, or it's a massively large number (which rarely pop up).

“This should be more than enough for it. “If you want you can stop by Madelynn’s and get a few treats for yourself.” She winked.

You've got a stray quotation mark before 'if'.

He must of not stayed for very long. I decided.

Should be 'must not have stayed very long'.

There were some excellent elements in this chapter, and it did flow a bit better than the previous one did, however expansion and description is always your friend. Have Rose interact with what's around her, describe her reactions to what she's seeing, give us some insight into how she's feeling.

You might also want to look into adding a little more backstory for Rose. Up until now, it seemed like the fire had been pretty recent, but tue end of the chapter, when she asks about her brother, makes it seem like it was when she was much younger. Mystery can be good, but I think here it's a bit more of a hindrance.

That's about it from me for this chapter. I do feel like the story is getting better as it goes along, so I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter.
:-)

:D Okay, thanks for the review! :)

User avatar
Collideascope
Review

Hey,

This was a fun little story to read. So I admittedly read it twice (Because I have no life). My one little nitpick is that I'm not overly fond of the last four lines. I feel like maybe pizza was over used. I say maybe because it is possible that a slight change in wording would work just as well. It's not that big of a problem however. If you want to keep it then please do. I think you have a lot of potential and look forward to reading more of your work. You have a beautiful use of vocab, punctuation, and capitalization in this story. I hope you keep writing.
Sincerely,
Collideascope

Thanks for the review! :D

User avatar
Snazzy
Comment

There! All corrected!! :D :D Thank you for the help! :D
-Snazzy

User avatar
maishaywca
Comment

From childhood I am a big fond of stories. I also write. I think I need your help to write. Great!!!

User avatar
BookWolf
Review

Another great chapter. :D And I'm looking forward to the next part. Here are my corrections. :D


“Good morning Rose.” Mrs. Ranker greeted me as I walked into the kitchen. (Put a comma after 'morning' and instead of a period after speech, put a comma)

“What’s for breakfast mom?” Ken asked. (Put a comma after 'breakfast')

Mrs. Ranker said while looking at the mail. (This sounds a little weird to me. Maybe put, Mrs Ranker said, looking up from the mail.)

“Soccer field.” He said between bites. (A comma instead of period after speech, and the 'h' in 'he' should not be capitalized)

“Alright, make sure you are home in time for supper!” She called after him. (The 's' in 'she' should not be capitalized)

“I shivered and pulled my jacket tighter. ( :D I don't think you meant to put those speech quotations at the beginning of the sentence)

and it wouldn’t be long till snow would make her appearance. (Instead of 'her appearance' put 'its appearance')

Are you getting the same as usual?” He asked in his thick Irish accent. (The 'h' in 'he' should not be capitalized)

“Yes.” I answered (A comma instead of a period)

He took the 20, and disappeared into a back room. (I don't think there should be a comma after '20')

“Oh, please call me Eamon.’ He said. (I'm not gonna tell you about making the 'h' in 'he' lowercase again because I think you probably got the idea now. :D But I don't think you meant to put the apostrophe after 'Eamon')



Okay! Just one more thing I want to point out. I think you should add a little more emotion. I want to know how the main character is thinking and how she'd feeling. Just a suggestion, but the rest is really great. :D I'm loving how this is going so far and I'm interested to learn more about Rose's family. And apparently she is too. :D

Keep writing! <3

~BookWolf

Thank You! For some reason in every new paragraph my mind insists on putting speech quotations in the beginning! :D I guess I am just so used to writing a new paragraph with a different character speaking! :D Thanks for the help! :D
-SnazzyPencil



i enjoy repeating things twice in poetry. but only ever twice. nothing tragic ever happens thrice if i have control of it
— theromanticchemist