E - Everyone

The Photo: Chapter Three (part one)

  When I woke up the next morning I had a terrible headache. Whether it was from lack of sleep, or Ken’s obnoxious pig noises, I didn't know. The photo hadn't talked to me again since last night, but….I glanced at the photo, who knows what could happen in the days to come!

  I had quickly looked the other way when Mrs. M. asked about a missing photo. I couldn't give it back, I just couldn't! Especially since I have had that creepy conversation with it!

  Ken knocked on the door. “Mom left us a note. She went to the post office, and to run a couple of errands.” He said. I heard a few pieces of paper rustling. Ken started to read.

  “Dear Rose and Kenneth,” He started in a high-pitched voice. “Should I do the voice?” he asked.

  “That doesn't even resemble Mrs. Ranker’s voice.” I remarked.

  “Whatever,” was his typical teenage response, and he continued to read without the “voice”.

  “I have gone to run a few errands this morning. I should be back around lunchtime, but if I am not, you can fix lunch yourselves. Rose you are allowed to go to Madelyn’s if you would like. The leftover change from Mr. Connor’s shop is on the kitchen table. Kenneth, I would like you to clean the house.” Kenneth groaned, but continued reading. “We will be having company over tonight for supper, and I don’t want the house a mess when they get here. Both of you have a nice day! I’ll see you later. Signed Mrs. Ranker.” Ken finished. I could then hear Ken running down the stairs for breakfast. I opened my door and followed him.

  “What do we have for breakfast?” I asked.

  Ken opened the freezer. “What every kid in America wants for breakfast!” he grinned mischievously. Kenneth then pulled out a big bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. He took out a scoop from the dish drainer and helped himself to four gigantic scoops of ice cream.

  “Yeah, um, I am not going to be sick today, so I think I’ll pass.” I said. I pulled out an apple (that was not bruised by Ken) and started to eat it. Though my fun, and unreasonable side persuaded me to have one scoop of ice cream.

  After I was finished eating, I grabbed the money off of the kitchen table. “Bye Ken! I am going to Madelyn’s house. I will be back in time for lunch though.” I started to head out the door. “Oh wait. I forgot something.” I ran back upstairs and grabbed the photo off of my dresser. The blue-eyed baby smiled at me as I carried her downstairs and out the door.

  “Good luck with the house!” I smirked.

  Ken growled at me with indignation. He then disappeared when he went to go wash the dishes.

  I closed the door and skipped down the sidewalk towards Madelyn’s house. She always had yummy treats for me to taste, and even more to buy! Cookies, cheesecakes, scones, cupcakes, home-made ice cream, and her famous chocolate chip brownies! My mouth watered at the thought of them.

  I pulled out the photo and slowed down to a walk. I looked down on the baby’s smiling face. I rubbed my eyes, and looked back at it. The baby was moving! She laughed at something in the background, and the old lady walked into view. She handed the small child a brownie. I stopped walking and looked closer. The baby was no longer a small newborn as it had once been! Now she was a toddler! The old lady then handed her a dark chocolate chip covered brownie. She took it eagerly and took the chocolate chips off one by one. She then ate the brownie in three quick bites. Somehow the way she ate it felt familiar. Probably Mrs. Ranker had eaten it like that before.

  I started walking again and soon reached Madelyn’s house. I ordered two brownies, and left back for home.

  When I arrived at the house. I pulled open the door to a fresh, cleaned house. Ken was slumped down asleep on a chair. Funny, he looked so innocent, and not obnoxious when he was asleep and quiet. It was too unusual, so I threw a brownie at his face.

  “Oww!” Ken exclaimed. He reached for the brownie. “Oh. Thanks!” He said. He eagerly tore into the wax paper and bit into the brownie. “By the way,” he said with a mouthful of brownie. “Lunch is on the table.”

  I smiled at Ken. “Okay. Thanks.” I said, and headed into the kitchen. I grabbed a bowl of soup off of the table and took a sip from it. I let the warm liquid trickle down my throat. I quickly finished the soup, and then took a bite into my brownie. I closed my eyes as all of the tastes flooded my taste buds, it was really that good. It brought back memories of my childhood, even though I couldn't picture anything; I remembered warm soup on a cold day and a nice sweet once in a while, to give my taste buds a nice treat.

  After I ate, I went upstairs to go study the moving blue-eyed toddler.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
BeTheChange
Comment

Interesting...
The grammar is about the same as in the last chapter: Better, but a little off. Your main problem, especially in he beginning, is verb tense issues.
There was humor, which I appreciated.
I'm genuinely curious about the plot.
Keep writing!

User avatar
TriSARAHtops
Review

I'm back! Let's get into it, shall we?

I had quickly looked the other way when Mrs. M. asked about a missing photo. I couldn't give it back, I just couldn't! Especially since I have had that creepy conversation with it!

Something that stood out in this chapter was the number of exclamation marks. It's not incorrect, but there's a general rule in writing that you should try to use them as sparingly as possible. Maybe have a read through to see how many you could get rid of by using more evocative language, or by putting the text into italics. Try to keep the exclamation points for sentences that really, really need them, or they lose their power.

“Whatever,” was his typical teenage response, and he continued to read without the “voice”.

Little formatting one here that's always good to know. As you probably know, with quotation marks, you have the single '...' and the double "..." ones (I don't know if they're the technical names for them, but let's go with those names :P ). But in writing, generally you're supposed to use one type for dialogue, and the other for anything else. In your case, you've used the double quotation marks for dialogue, and since the word 'voice' is not part of the dialogue, you should use the single ones around it (like I did in this sentence). And vice versa, if you were using the single quotation marks for dialogue. It's not a bad rule to be aware of. :)

I’ll see you later. Signed Mrs. Ranker.”

Usually when you have letters in fiction, even if someone is reading them out loud, they tend to be italicised. Not too concerned about that right now - the reason I pulled this quote out was because it just seemed a little weird that Mrs Ranker would be signing a letter that is (in part) to her son with 'Mrs Ranker'. I also find it a little weird that Rose calls her Mrs Ranker, even though it's clear that they're fairly close, and have lived together for a while, but that could just be a cultural thing. But back to the letter, it just seemed strange to me.

I really liked the way that this chapter showed the relationship between Ken and Rose. It's very skilfully done, and the exchanges between them and they way they relate to each other just seems very believable and developed. I love the dialogue in their conversations, and it's a very strong part of the plot.

Keep up the good work! :)

Image

User avatar
Kelpies
Review
Kelpies wrote a review · Tue Nov 18, 2014 2:02 am

Hello SnazzyPencil!

This seems like a good story you are writing, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be coming back to read the rest of the chapters. I only found one error, the rest of your piece is exquisite.

Madelyn you are allowed to go to Madelyn’s if you would like.


I think you meant; "Rose you are allowed to go to Madelyn's if you would like"

Other than that, great job! I look forward to seeing you and the rest of your chapters soon;

~Kelpies.

*slaps forehead* wow.....I can't believe I just did that.... :D Thanks for the review!! :D :)

*slaps forehead* wow.....I can't believe I just did that.... :D Thanks for the review!! :D :)

*slaps forehead* wow.....I can't believe I just did that.... :D Thanks for the review!! :D :)

Wow...how did that....are you seeing this? Why did it repeat itself twice??? :D :) Thanks Kelpies! Again... :D

XD. When mine repeat themselves, it's when I clicked the post button about a million times while it was loading :)

I may, or may not have done that.... :D Yes I did. :)

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TimmyJake
Review

Timmy here for a quick review

I am sorry that I have not gone and read the rest of your pieces, or even gone and seen your story before - but I saw this and the title attracted me. Since I need a piece to review, here I am! And I think I will just go through and comment on the story as I read. That way, I remember anything I would want to say.

Ready? Here we go. Just hang on tight!

e last night, but….I glanced at the photo, who knows what could happen in the days to come


So this sentence is written in a very disjointed way, and the ellipsis is reponsible for that, as the way you worded everything. Let me just show you what I mean. An ellipsis is mean to show a pause in the character's narration usually, and mostly through dialogue (... - that is what I am talking about. the ellipsis). The way you have it here, it seems out place and just doesn't work. And there is supposed to be a space after it, because otherwise you are just cramming two words together - so instead of blah...blah, you would have blah... blah. The space in-between the words is all you need there.

I would also reformat this to flow better. That is where an Em-dash comes into place. When you have an independent clause in the middle of a sentence (I think that is what it's called?), they seem rather disjointed unless you insert an Em-dash to keep everything flowing. So let me just show you.

e last night, but - I glanced at the photo - who knows what could happen in the days to come?


So you see what I did there? I isolated that part so it reads as it's own little piece - and yet still being part of the sentence. :)

and started to eat it. Though my fun, and unreasonable side persuaded me to have one scoop of ice cream.


The way you worded this makes me think it should have been one continuous sentence, seperated by a comma after it instead of a period. :)

I pulled out the photo and slowed down to a walk. I looked down on the baby’s smiling face. I rubbed my eyes, and looked back at it.


So, with this part, you have quite a bit of redundancy. Each sentence begins with the same word, and that shouldn't be happening, really. It's a common mistake, and one that I fall into quite often. It's also easily curable, but takes constant revisiting so you never fall into it. Just watch while you write, and avoid starting them with the same words. Write as you think, and just let the words flow. Your mind doesn't say I do this. I do that. There is a certain flow to the thoughts of your mind, and your writing should flow in a similar way - without any jerks in the flow and such. You just need to watch while you write, and just keep an attentive eye on this kind of stuff. Redundancy can be a real pain, but it can be controlled. :)

Somehow the way she ate it felt familiar.


Comma after somehow

The baby was no longer a small newborn as it had once been! Now she was a toddler!


This seemed a bit too much to believe.... But, looking at something else, let's talk about punctuation for just a quick second. You don't have a big problem with it, but in many places, it seems as though you yell at your readers for quite a few sentences. The normal and best thing to do is completely avoid exclamation marks in narration, and only have it in dialogue - that way the narration and actions don't yell to the reader, and the dialogue has more of an effect when there is shouting involved. That, and constant shouting in the ears of the reader can get pretty annoying.

It was too unusual, so I threw a brownie at his face.


I think you should describe the brownie and the wax paper on the brownie, because I just thought he had literally thrown a brownie at him, smearing it all over his face and watching the brown chunks fly all over the room.

Since I haven't read your other pieces, I can't comment on your plot or anything like that, but I do like your style of writing. In some places it gets a little stiff and almost like you are just stating actions, but those are easily smoothed out, and I think you have it all under control. This piece is actually quite good. It kept me intrigued and interested all the way to the end, which is really good because I have a short attention span. xD Also, I am a big admirer of your way of doing dialogue, which just seems so realistic and each matches the personality you give the characters. Just very well done.
~Darth Timmyjake

Thank you for the review Darth Timmyjake :D :)

User avatar
BookWolf
Review

Hello, Snazzy! I'm here for a review! :D

So, right now I am seriously dying to know who toddler is in the picture. Is it Rose?! Is it Mrs. Ranker?! :D But don't tell me, lol. I want to see if I can figure it out.


Corrections:


Madelyn you are allowed to go to Madelyn’s if you would like. (You said Madelyn twice. :D )

he grinned mischievously. (The 'h' in 'he' should be capitalized)

“Good luck with the house!” I smirked.. (You put two periods)



I'm really loving how this story is going. :D I also enjoyed how smooth you made the conversations between Rose and Kenneth. I am SO looking forward to the next part. :D You are obviously a gifted writer.

Great work!

~BookWolf

Thank You! :D You are too! I am DYING (not literally :) ) to read the next Powerful Gifts or Shapeshifter's Academy chapter!!! :D CAN'T WAIT!! :D :D



Remember, hate is always foolish, and love is always wise!
— The 12th Doctor