E - Everyone

The Photo Chapter Three (part two)

I peered carefully at the photo. The girl was laughing at the camera, as a golden furred puppy licked her rosy cheeks. It had stopped moving, but for who knows how long. I sighed and flipped the photo over. On the back in scribbly writing was something I hadn't noticed before, it read-

"If you want,

to find what your looking for,

Come on the path,

and find my door."

The letters seemed to glow and shimer as I read them aloud. It was as if the photo was calling me, like it knew my voice, and my name as if it had known me my whole life. I put it down, frightened, but it wouldn't stop glowing, it wouldn't stop shimmering. I threw it onto my highest shelf. It was creepy, and I could definitely live without it.

I backed away from the shelves, and looked up at the top one. The whole shelf was now glowing bright yellow. I shook my head, and ran past it down the stairs. I stood there at the bottom of the steps breathing heavily. "Kenneth?" I asked, worried. No one answered. You could of her a pen drop in the kind of silence I was dealing with. I looked around the room, and noticed a note on the front door. I took it off and read it.

"Off to get some milk and stuff for mom. Be back in a jiffy. Which reminds me, I have to get some peanut butter...anyway, I'll be back soon. Mom will be back around 5:30. Don't set the house on fire while I'm gone. -Ken"

I smiled a little as I read the letter, and glanced at the clock. 2:00. No way was I staying alone with that photo for over an hour. I grabbed the house key and my jacket. I locked the door, and shut it behind me, and started my way near the park.

I frowned as I walked, trying to understand the glowing photo. It hadn't glowed the day I had found it at Mrs. McCreaker's, but the baby's blue eyes had seemed brighter when I saw it. I shook my head, and continued on. A dirty dark colored dog walked up to me from a house on the side of the road. It barked, and followed me. I turned around, and looked nervously at it. "Um, go home dog." I said.

The dog barked again, and sat down.

"Good dog." I said, and continued walking towards the park.

The dog barked once more, and got up to follow me.

I turned around and sighed. "I said go home!" I said, frustrated.

The dog whimpered a little, but sat back down.

I smiled, and turned away, but it wan't long until I heard pawsteps behind me. I turned around again.

The dog whined, laid down, and buried his head in his paws.

I sighed, and smiled. "Fine, follow me." But I didn't need to say anything. The dog followed me happily. I led him to a car wash, and pulled out a couple of dollars. I inserted them in the machine, and grabbed the hose. The dog barked, and sat down in the middle of the car wash. I laughed, and hosed him down.

"Oh great!" I said aloud. "I forgot about the so-" I was drowned out by the sound of soap being sprayed at me and the dog. I shrieked with delight and the dog barked happily. I laughed, and when the soap stopped spraying, I grabbed the hose, and washed the dog, and myself off. I looked back at the dog, and gasped. It's bright golden fur shimmered in the sunlight. I backed away and shook my head. I turned and ran towards the park. I shivered, and let a tear escape my eye as I entered the park gates. I sat down on one of the benches, and put my hands on my head. I cried, thinking of the photo, the dog, and the unknown. Finally, I got up, too cold to sit any longer. I sneezed, and walked out of the park.

I stopped next to the winding lane that led back to Mrs. McCreaker's house. I sighed, and walked down it. We probably wouldn't work outside, today was a bit colder than other days, we'd probably just stay inside. I stopped, took off my wet jacket, and tied it around my waist. I looked back up, and started walking again. I glanced to my right, but stopped, rigid with fear. On the right side of the forest stood a short path into the woods, but that wasn't what made me stop. It was glowing bright yellow, sending up little puffs of golden dust into the cold air. I backed up, my breathing getting faster, and shallower. I shivered, because of the cold, and the path. I breathed in more heavily, and my vision became blurred. I staggered on Mrs. M.'s lane, and fell down. Everything went black.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
BeTheChange
Review

Okay, please continue this! (And your Warriors fic, too!) Um, no pressure...lol.
The grammar--Still needs some work.
The plot--*incoherent screaming* WHAT IS GOING ON?
I must know more.
I mean, I have *some* predictions, but nothing concrete.
Good luck! Even if you don't continue this or the Warriors fic, please write something more.

User avatar
TriSARAHtops
Review

I'm finally caught up! Hello again! XD

I picked up on a couple of iffy sentences that I thought could use some work, but your previous reviewers have picked up most of that stuff, and it's mostly things that you can pick up with a little reading through. For a first draft, there wasn't anything that leapt out.

So my quibbles with this chapter mostly have to do with things that can apply to the story as a whole. :)

as a golden furred puppy licked her rosy cheeks.

This is the first time you've mentioned there being a puppy in the photo... if it's a tiny detail, like a necklace, or something, it would be okay to mention the detail suddenly, because it's the kind of thing that could be easily missed. I'm sorry if you already mentioned the puppy and I've forgotten, but if not you probably ought to introduce it when Rose first looks at the photo. It sounds like it's quite prominent in the photo, so it feels a bit weird that you've only just mentioned it.

It hadn't glowed the day I had found it at Mrs. McCreaker's

I noticed this in the last chapter in terms of Ken, but I'd suggest that you try to be consistent in what you call characters with nicknames. You can call them whatever you like in dialogue, but in the narration you should stick to the one name. It just makes it a bit tighter, and in the place of Mrs M, I was a bit confused at first (until my brain caught up) because I think you've only mentioned Mrs M's full surname once, in the very first chapter.

I led him to a car wash, and pulled out a couple of dollars.

This bit kinda came out of the blue. Maybe just a sentence about Rose having the idea to give him a bath would help here.

You're adding some good mystery here, and I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. Any questions, or if you'd like a review, just let me know. :)

Heya, Snazzy! Chrissy here for a review.

On the back in scribbly writing was something I hadn't noticed before,


How could she not notice it? Did it just appear there or something?

It was as if the photo was calling me, like it knew my voice, and my name as if it had known me my whole life.


You have two as if's in there, and you forgot the comma between name and the second as if.

could of her


I think you meant heard. ;)

Which reminds me, I have to get some peanut butter...


Would Ken really put that on a note? Love the part about setting the house on fire.

"Um, go home dog." I said.


It's supposed to be a comma between dog and I said.

I looked back at the dog, and gasped. It's bright golden fur shimmered in the sunlight


I only realized that it was the dog from the photo later on. I think you need to say something else, to make it a little more clear.

I turned and ran towards the park.


Um, what happened to the dog? It just was gone, and we don't know where it went.

I shivered


She's soaked, isn't she. Say something about the wind blowing or something. Was it sunny out? Was it a cold day? I know that if I was soaking wet even the slightest breeze would make me shiver.

I glanced to my right, but stopped, rigid with fear. On the right side of the


I think that you should put the part about the path in a different paragraph.

I backed up, my breathing getting faster, and shallower. I shivered, because of the cold, and the path. I breathed in more heavily, and my vision became blurred. I staggered on Mrs. M.'s lane, and fell down.


That's three sentences beginning with I. You might want to break that up a little.

Well, that's all for the nitpicks. I just want to say that I really like it. She seems scared, and confused. Worried that there's something wrong with her, and going out to try and clear her head.
By the end of it, it's obvious that the problem isn't her and that's something going on. You end it well, breaking it off, and leaving us in the lurch. Making sure that we'll come back, aren't you? ;)
I'll try to catch the next one. Keep writing! :D

Thanks for the review Chrissy! :) As for the scribbly writing, yes, something very mysterious is going to happen with that.... :D Again, thanks for the help! :)

User avatar
farahmasud
Review

Hey,
Farah here to review. I'll start off with some nitpicking. You may or may not agree with me, and that's cool. I like to go by the rule 'less is more', so I would suggest you to use words like "heaving" instead of "breathing heavily". And use either 'glowing/ shimmering'. Using both sort of sounds redundant.

In the third paragraph you wrote: You could of her a pen drop in the kind of silence I was dealing with.
I think you meant to write "you could have heard/ you could hear". There might have been a typo there.
Overall, great a read. The plot builds up coherently and the chapter ends in suspense, which is always a good sign.
Looking forward to reading your next chapter.
Good luck! :D

Thanks for all of the help! :D :D



The bird that would soar above the level plain of tradition and prejudice must have strong wings. It is a sad spectacle to see the weaklings bruised, exhausted, fluttering back to earth.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening