Young Writers Society

Hi there, Ellie-Mae here for a quick review!

Wishing you a happy day/evening/morning/night/whatever is applicable to your part of the world! First off, please remember that my reviews are my own opinions I’ll give honest feedback, but nothing at all is intended to hurt or discourage you in any way at all! <3 So, without waiting any longer, let’s get right into it and digest the spectabulous piece of literary work!

I love how you repeat certain parts, like this:

She'll suck the colour right outta your skin
She's a vampire bat, she's sure to win
I hate her so bad though I know it's a sin
She wants you to join her but I'll never give in
I'll have to forgive her sooner or later

But it's just so hard to forgive a hater...

and:

She'll suck the colour right outta your skin
She's a vampire bat, she's sure to win
I hate her so bad-

and:

She'll suck the colour right outta your skin
She's a vampire bat, don't let her win

She wants you to join her but don't you dare give in
You'll have to forgive her sooner or later..

Though I know it's so hard to forgive a hater..

this really helps develop the lyrics of the song/poem. I love your writing style. I will definitely be reading more of your work now!!!!

Ellie-Mae

Hi, Annie!

This is a very interesting piece! It's quite unique compared to what I'm used to reading. That said, maybe it's just the specialized font that's throwing my voice around.

I like the metaphor you use through this piece. The vampire bat certainly sets a metaphor that's fun for its audience to imagine while successfully sharing the emotions the song is aiming for.

I do wonder if there's not enough story behind it? The first verse is an awesome introduction to that chorus, but after that, I feel like the chorus just gets repetitive, and I begin to lose interest in what's being said. Mainly because I already heard it! Perhaps there's more to the story or more comparisons you can make to help relate better to a vampire bat. Make it a little more interesting!

I'm digging the end, though. I can imagine how the music would go with this piece.

Regarding the metaphor itself, I'm not sure anyone ever relates bats to halos. XD So that line seems random, and I'd suggest changing something about it to make it fit (or the other way around).

And then the PoV through the entire piece confused me. I wasn't sure if the speaker was talking to somebody or talking about herself or when she referred to the vampire bat. At first, I thought the vampire bat was inside someone else, but I'm starting to wonder if it's the vampire bat inside the speaker. xD

But I do find this is a fun and creative song, so certainly shape it up a bit. I think it would be cool to listen to at some point!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Interesting. The different fonts confused me.
I thought the rhyme scheme was a bit varied, you didn't have any sort of a, b, a, b or whatever. Personally, I like it if a song has a basic rhyme scheme. You can vary from it a bit and in the middle eight and stuff, but there's gotta be something. The rhymes you did have were quite good.

She'll suck the colour right outta your skin
She's a vampire bat, she's sure to win
I hate her so bad though I know it's a sin
She wants you to join her but I'll never give in
I'll have to forgive her sooner or later

But it's just so hard to forgive a hater...


I like this whole bit lots, especially the later hater rhyme.
So, I like the idea behind the song and I thought there were some good rhymes in there. However, I think it needs more structure.