Note- I wrote this a really really long time ago when I was just starting out. My newer, better works are in the following folder.
https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/profile/SirenCymbaline/portfolio/462256
Like a Bird, like the Wind,
In a flight of Song,
Like a Word, like a Warrior,
Steadfast in belief,
Like a Straight in the Bend
and a Legend that ceased
To End
Like a Hawk, like a Sparrow,
Soaring over a ditch
Like a King like a Pauper
yet neither more rich
As the way, like a family
Stories always seem
To Grow
Like a Song, Like a Sword
Entertwined in fate
A gate with a lock
Key hidden in grate
Somehow Dark and Light
Reign in the same
Face
Like a Bird, like the Wind
In a Flight of Song
Like a Word, like a Warrior
Steadfast in belief
Like a Straight in a Bend
and a Legend that ceased
To End
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139,514 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Greetings!
First a small typo, in the fourth line you have written "beleif" rather than "belief". Remember the useful rule, I before E except after C, except unless it's not.
The best thing methinks in this poem is the steadfast stanza pattern, and particularly the way you have a short last line for each, which puts emphasis on them. This is particularly good with the last word, which in my opinion should be stressed when possible. Also the internal "like a... like a..., comparison" structure was nice.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Great poem. I liked how the beginning verse was repeated at the end, it gave it a real nice feel. The flow was great and the only spelling mistake I could see was belief, which you spelled wrong twice. I actually sang this to myself because I saw it in lyrical poetry. It sounded amazing! (At least in my tune and you know, ignoring the fact that my voice was horrible)
Really nice poem, great job!
Deanie x
I like it, I can just picture like a fairy or some beautiful elf dancing in the forest with only the moon as her light. It's really a beautiful poem, and maybe could be used as a song. It just makes me think of the Faye.
i really liked this! It's very beautiful, steady, and inspiring! THis is comeing from me, who usually ignores poetry. I like it and all, I just don't 'get it'. Well, I do when it rymns and is set to music. Anyways, this is wonderful! Keep up the good work!
Keep in writing!
-Ruth
I quite like it
I just have to say it's 'belief' not beleif.
Your usage of words is very appealing. I can't help but be entranced by what you have to say. Though, quite frankly, with so many meanings in the piece, I was left confused. Such as,
Are you trying to say here there is a never ending, almost fathoming, way among the world, even in the most opposing ways? That's what I gathered, though I'm not a poetry expert.
At any rate, I'm glad you shared. Keep writing.
~Panda;;
Hey, I just thought I'd have a go at reviewing this as I saw that no one else had, I just like the feeling of being first to review. Makes me feel special and acomplished. Anyhoo, just thought that I'd tell you before I started that I'm not a great reviewer, I try my best, but I tend to miss things out. Wish me luck!
I found this a really powerful verse. The repetition and beat kept you hooked and it was very cleverly thought out. However at first, your 4th line confused me but then I realised that you must have made a mistake and typed 'beleif' other than 'belief', remember to check your work through and look out for any spelling mistakes as you had me completely baffled for a minute there
This is my favourite verse in your poem as I thought that this it conveyed the most emotion out of all of them. Although I did notice that your punctuation seems to wander a bit here, add a few commas and semi-colons here and there to make your poem easier nd more appealing to read. Also, this is a really tiny thing, but I saw that on your 4th line you hadn't started with a capital letter whereas on your 2nd and 6th, you had. Try to follow a regular pattern.
Out of all your verses, I found this one the most awkward to read. All the other ones used repitition and you seemed to have abandoned it in this verse, whilst all the other ones change into different subjects a lot and each one is a bit vague, this one sticks on just one and describes it really well. However it doesn't follow the pattern and therefore seems a bit like an outcast in this piece of writing.
I noticed that this verse was the same as the first and, even though it is a good technique to repeat the first stanza at the end, I feel as if this poem is just too short to use it and it seems as if you were just trying to make your poem longer, but remember, it's quality, not quantity.
Overall, well done as you have a really good poem which uses similes and metaphors really well!