My good friends live on bad roads, I used to want to leave
For everything I love lives near something frightening
And to leave these roads alone is to leave the ones I need
I might still be adjusting to this reality
I've locked my blues away, in those bad old ways
In an old schoolyard, in a beautiful park, under the bank of a swinging bridge
I've locked all my blues away, and I never go those ways
But I have to walk right past them every day
There's a list of bridges I'd love to burn, but my friends live on the other side of them
There's a list of places I just can't go, still shining in the sun
Shining onto every path I walk
And it hurts to see the bright young grass and the honeybees
It hurts to see the roses and the canopies
I've locked those blues away, in those bad old ways
In the old schoolyard, in the beautiful park, sweet places stolen from me
I've locked those fears away, and I never go those ways
But still I have to walk right past them everyday
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
To me, it is as if the protagonist is trying to bury the past and present despite having constant reminders/triggers of the pain. I don't want to come off as rude but this sounds kind of... archaic? It just seems like an older style of writing, one that is commonly associated with the emotional deficiency of the middle class. Thriller intertwined with insanity seems to be more present. There's nothing wrong the poem/story itself, it just comes off as a little plain to me. I can't really sympathize with the person being presented since the once beautiful views the protagonist views don't seem all that solemn. The beginning is pretty strong though. The sentences also have a nice rhythm to them. I also see no oddities or errors in grammar. I just sort of wish you that were a bit more wild with this. Overall, this is a good piece it just needs to be more expressive. I'd like to really get a sense of the person's thought process.
I am curious to know what gives off the impression of thriller intertwined with insanity. It's an interesting, not necessarily deliberate feeling, so I'd be very grateful if you could elaborate on what specific lines or things gave off that impression.
I was being a little experimental in this poem when deciding how much to reveal and how much to keep hidden- in this case I was leaning more heavily on the 'keep it hidden' side. That might have been a mistake.
What I was trying to get across was the unique experience of hating a beautiful place for what it reminds you of, and how odd it feels to hate such a painful place and yet still see nothing but sunshine and bright grass all around you.
But now that I re-read the piece, although I see nothing on the technical side that bothers me, it seems there's more longing here than hatred.
And even the sense of longing feels a bit restrained.
I think I'll leave this poem as it is, but I'll definitely keep what you said in mind if I write on this topic again. Thanks again for your feedback.
Hi sirencymbaline
Your work is amazing. I like the fact that you have that love which is true to those people you have put into consideration in your poem.
'For everything I love lives near something frightening' I love this line. Its is very emphatical and pathetic but I don't know why you are not interested in telling us something wrong with those bridges that you want to burn and how bad are those roads? What's the cause for your sympathy to your friends? I am asking this because you have good words but you might end up leaving your poem in your head not on paper! When I read this piece I feel there is something wrong with the town that you have not elaborated or its your way of expression. You know when a writer doesn't express then he or she doesn't communicate effectively.
Another thing is about your lines.I may not say that your lines are not poetic but even if its free verse it needs to be abit short. Your lines are long you need to clip some words. Besides, the spacing is abit inappropriate. I don't know if that's your style but it's hard to tell a stanza break in your poem.
Tittle.
I don't know if something is wrong with me, but when I read your poem the tittle first disturbed me .A title is good when its short and precise but it depends on what you like. I suggest you edit your tittle. You know titles have to be catchy but I continued with the spirit of wanting to explore and I found that your piece was a good read. Your tittle needs to be catchy because some people are impatient to play hard. If your tittle is mind blowing then you are on a good way to go.
And above all this, you are good poet. A poet has no his own life. He cares about people and writes everything he sees and in doing that he's living people's lives and leaving his. I am very glad and jolly that you fit this discription. Keep the fire burning.
* Brendah *