Do you feel like a ghost?
Do you feel like you've died on some long long long gone night
Do you feel like you've gone?
Like you've grown far too old
Do you feel like a ghost
From a time that's long long gone?
No one looks back when you see them
No one speaks and no one listens
However big you may seem, however loud you may scream
Do you feel like a ghost?
Like some part of your soul's flown out into the night
Do you feel like you've gone?
Like you've grown far too old?
Things didn't come as you'd seen them
You broke their speech, bid them to listen
Still you're trapped in silent dreams, however loud you can scream
Do you want to go home?
Would you follow your soul out into the night?
You've been gone, alone for far too long
You've gone, alone for far too long
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139,300 Literary Works • 672,526 Reviews
This piece intrigued me right from the beginning. However, I feel that there are some things I would do to improve this. You repeated two questions a bit at the beginning, but I noticed you didn't use them at the end. Repetition is good in poetry, but I feel it should be consistent throughout the whole thing in certain lines or something of that sort. So, I would either get rid of that completely or repeat it throughout the whole poem.
As for the tone and the feeling the readers gets when they read through it, I felt really alone and hidden when I read through it and I really liked the affect your writing had on the readers. It really captures what it feels like to be desperate when noone bothers to see through you. Grammer wise, everything looks great. That's just a bit of what I had to stay about this. It looks great and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work like this in the future!
Hello there, Luata here for a review. I've lapsed in my review writing, so forgive me if I cease to make a whole lot of sense. Since I don't think that I've reviewed any of your pieces before, I'll give you a quick run-down of how my reviews work. I divide them into sections, hopefully to help them make more sense. Keep in mind that you are the author, not me so feel free to use, contest, or ignore my suggestions as you see fit. If something doesn't make sense or if you want me to elaborate on something drop me a comment or a PM, I'd be delighted to talk. Onward and upward!
Overview
Overall, I found your poem to be a bit hard to read. Flow is something extremely important to me in regards to poetry writing and your punctuation/where you chose to break your lines made flow just a little bit tricky. I'd also like to caution you on writing about things that other people have written about before. I've done and continue to do the same thing, but it gets kind of tricky, especially with emotion-oriented poetry to come up with original content, if you get what I'm saying. Basically, if you want to write about something like this, you have to find a way to put a unique spin on it. I do the same exact thing and I understand that oftentimes poetry writing is a way to express yourself and the emotions that you are experiencing in a particular moment, and I think that your piece is very emotional and well-written. It's just a word of caution from an outside observer. Again, take it or leave it as you see fit.
Flow and Grammar
As I said above, I found your flow (of the poem) to be a bit tricky. I can point out a few places that I think would help immensely, but I won't get into the nitty-gritty stuff, if you want me to, just shoot me a comment or a PM. I'm not the most qualified person for grammar, but I'll give it my best shot.
Let's start here. The line Do you feel like you've died on some long long long gone night should have a question mark at the end of it, judging from the rest of the rhetorical questions you pose in this piece. Repeating "long long gone" multiple times in lines so close to each other disrupts the flow immensely. I feel as though this could be improved by changing the wording.
This section gave me a bit of trouble as well. To save some time (and space), I'm going to rewrite it the way I would suggest. Again, take or leave it, you are the author.
No one looks back when you see them,
No one speaks and no one listens.
However big you may seem, however loudly you scream,
Do you feel like a ghost?
Like some part of your soul has flown out to the night?
Do you feel like you've gone-
Like you've grown far too old?
You can see here that I've just changed a bit of your punctuation and altered your wording just slightly. Again, if you have more questions or want me to elaborate, let me know.
Overall, I think this was a very nice piece. I look forward to reviewing your future works!
~Luata