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Young Writers Society


12+

For a Friend and another.

by SirenCymbaline


Can I apologise

for almost everything I've said since I've met you

and almost everything I did


All the misguided, underhanded things

Every well-meant misdeed, every warning I wouldn't heed

the way I'd always make everything about me

The way I'd always take everything personally

and most of all the way I'd dump my world on your shoulders

let me take it back.

There may not be a way to make it better

but it's alright if you're alright, you are the best I can be

Apologies do not mistakes undo

But all I'll say is here's to her and here's to you

Can I describe?

The way you are in my eyes?

You're the kind of human I want to be

I've grown so much from what I've learned from you

And I never want to hurt you again

I hope she brightens all of your days

I hope you'll illuminate what's good in her in so many ways

and you do

It took so long to find you

Let me remind you

How grateful, sorry and happy I can be

May your love hold you when your legs won't

All I have left to say to you

I'm so glad she has you

All I'll say is here's to her and here's to you

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433 Reviews

Points: 13351
Reviews: 433

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Sun Feb 23, 2014 5:36 pm
TakeThatYouFiend wrote a review...



This was lovely, and it was very good at conveying feeling.
Criticism first methinks, and that is that I don't like the line "Apologies do not mistakes undo", because it sounds like a forced rhyme, without actually rhyming with anything. Kindly invert the last two words.
The format of the piece worked well, the way you wrote single clause lines made it a little list like, and also well paced for a formal apology, rather like a politician. :-) This, methinks, works well.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!




AnnieBauthor says...


Thank you. :)
Yes, the line "Apologies do not mistakes undo" is a rather hard one.
By inverting the last words, did you mean changing it to "Apologies do not undo mistakes "? If not, could you please give me an example.





Yeah, it just doesn't read awkwardly then. :-)



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65 Reviews

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Sat Feb 01, 2014 7:57 pm
WallFlower wrote a review...



Wow... This is so sweet and so incredibly sad.

It's a beautiful piece, and you clearly convey your sadness and regret.

All the misguided, landslided underhanded underminded things

Every well-meant misdeed, every warning I wouldn't heed

the way I'd always make everything about me

The way I'd always take everything personally

and most of all the way I'd dump my world on your shoulders

let me take it back.


This is my favorite part (poetically speaking). The "let me take it back." at the end conveys a sense of desperation.

Now for the things I would change, although there are few.

1)
All the misguided, landslided, underhanded, underminded things


a. According to my computer, neither of these are words. But as writers we have a right to make up as many words as we like :). I was just pointing out that they weren't in case you didn't know.

b. There should be a comma between each of these.

2)
Apologies do not mistakes undo


To me this would flow better as "Apologies cannot undo mistakes." But if you're specifically wanting it to rhyme with the next line, then you can leave it as is.

Your poem really is beautiful.




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Fri Jan 31, 2014 11:56 pm
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SheaKay wrote a review...



This was really good! A little lacking in some punctuation, (I.E. Not enough commas in the line "All the misguided, landslided underhanded underminded things" ) But otherwise, it was great. It had really deep meaning to me, both of and in between the lines. "Forgive me, I'm sorry, may you be happier from now on." That was a good message. It takes a lot of courage to move past human pride and truly get that message across. You did a fine job of doing so. congratulations. ^_^




AnnieBauthor says...


Thank you! so nice to read what you said. And yes, that was the message I was going for. :)




the world (me) cries out for salvation (snacks)
— creaturefeature