I miss you. How long must it be until I see your beautiful brown eyes again?
When will your face no longer be a holographic daydream?
And we never said Goodbye.
Did you cry when you learned that I had gone and you were not there?
Can you still see my face in your mind?
You are here. I see you in front of me but then I reach out to touch you and I feel nothing.
I hear you, but then I respond to you and you can't hear me.
Then I know that it was a dream.
My heart fights against reality and says forever over that you are here.
When will the heart win? Until it does, I promise not to forget. Don't think I've forgotten.
I see you. There or not, I see you. There or not, I hear you. There or not, my heart senses yours.
You are here. And so am I.
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140,387 Literary Works • 673,146 Reviews
this is very off topic of a review but i like your avatar
anyways back to the poem you wrote lol all the stanzas fit well rhythmically. for me it was the other way around, i moved away from my best friend many years ago.
there is that mix of long to short sentences. for the second to last line i think you should leave just the first "there or not" and then just have the "I hear you" and "My heart senses yours" after. It gets rid of the repetitive words and shortens the line a bit.
But overall i like this poem because i also have these feelings with my best friend now even though nobody has moved.
Beautiful. The stanzas work well rhythmicly, and also the pacing of the piece had no glitches that I could see.
The suggestion for improvment I will give is that "Then I know that it was a dream." would work well as a stand alone line. My apologies if that would mess up a rhyme/rhythm scheme I am too poeticly blind to see.
I like the last line, because it sums up the entire piece, and stands alone. This work is very good.
May energy shine on you from a million suns,
Take That You Fiend!
I'm speechless. That was such a deep moving poem. I read it and I knew exactly how you felt. Well, your best friend moved, but for me it was the other way around I moved. I really felt like I was betraying my friends and all and I didn't even get to say goodbye properly to some of them.
I'm really glad you got back in touch with her. Friendship isn't worth loosing. And I really love the poem. It was brilliant!
Deanie x
Nice, I agree with everybody this is a very sweet and emotional poem, good work!
It's very pure compared to what i write and that's fantastic. Pure simple just a flow of emotion.There is a strange mixture of long and short sentences ,many be a definable structure or stanzas may help break up the poem and make it easier to read. In general it flows quite well but it's lacking something to bind it all together. You wrote 'beau' maybe it should be beautiful. Yes, it does lack imagery but to me poetry doesn't need it.
Great work!
Wow, this was very emotional and powerful! Great job! That's all part of the art; taking something that happens in life, and exaggerating it and making it something big. Even if it wasn't TOO sad, it takes talent to make it appear more so than in reality.
For some reason, while I really loved it, it was hard to read. Maybe you should put it into stanzas, and work on the flow?
Though it doesn't have too much imagery, it doesn't need it. The simpleness of it makes it more strong, but maybe change how the words are used or something...Idk, just mess around on it and see what comes up. That's what I do in editing my stuff! ;D
Hi. I really liked the raw emotion, like how MoonTitanZan said. The emotion speaks for itself. I like that your poem has a certain kind of structure, it really compliments your writing styles. There was some of it that I had to go back and re-read it but it's the kind of poem you really need to concentrate on. I do think that
you need to decide if you want the third or fourth line on this but other than that nothing immediatelly leaps to mind. Very well done and I like how simple yet kind of complex (confusing I know) this poem is. Keep up the good work.Pretty and I liked it a lot. If your twelve what would you be able to when your 13? 14? 15? 16? 17 [like me im old and worn out [JK]]? You should write more. Wait are you seriouisly twelve? Jeez. Very few grammatical issues that im too lazy to point out. and like no spelling issues that I saw. Antidisastablishmentarianism. GoodBye
I really liked this one. I've written several poems like this one, so I'm familiar with the style. The only thing I think needs work is basically the same as MoonTitanZan. Other than that, it was brilliant.
I must say, that is how poetry should be writen. I've never read anything with so much character and emotion in it. I can't wait to see more work from you. For this poem, my biggest concern is the third and fourth line
In the third line, you've already established that you never said goodvye, and then you resate it in the next line, and I suggest changing that a bit. Also, the fourth line is a bit awekward in it rhythm.
Other than that, you're good. As I've said, there's a lot of raw emotion in this poem. It's lacking a bit of structure and rhythm in some places, but both of those are already very strange because your poem is completely reliant on how the words flow.
Overall, could use a couple changes, but I wouldn't worry about it. The poem has value in the fact that it has so much emotion behind it, and editing the structure, even if you do it so that it doesn't take away from the emotion of the piece, it wont make a huge improvment in the poem.
Great job! Keep up the writing, I'm looking forward to any future work you might be doing
Firstly, thanks for commenting, secondly, I'm not too down. It's about my first BFF (that I really miss) when I moved house. Sadly, she wasn't at school on my last day so we didn't say goodbye. Though recently she got my new address so we can write. (smiley face) Again thanks for commenting I take other peoples views seriously.
Really good, but needs some work. I've wrotten several poems like that so I know where you're coming from. But really, it is good, just take sometime to work on it some more, it could be amazing. And if that poem is something that you're feeling or actually happened to you, I'm sorry.