Change--A Senryu

Hi!
Ive only ever tried my hand at haikus and senryus a few times so I am not very knowledgeable about them but I enjoyed this very much. This is beautifully written but i feel like the subject matter doesn't fit a senryu structured poem. It is as though you have tried to fit a narrative or description of a character experiencing turmoil into too short a piece of writing when it actully would benefit from having few more lines to develop. Each line is very evocative and nice to read but the overall meaning is too brief.
Hope this helps.
Pollarbear

The Senryu itself is fine except one thing- it's pretty short :3 considering the topic I, as a reader, would insist that you would extend a little bit more xD besides that it is a pretty nice Senyru

Hai there, Sionarama.

First off, this isn't a haiku, but you have already been told that.
Second, I absolutely adored this. Truly. I loved it so much. I read it and it took my breath away. I'm trying to review it but I have absolutely nothing bad to say. Although it's short, it's extremely descriptive, and just...wow. I love it. Great job, keep writing! Let me know if you post anything new, I'd love to see more of your work.

~Cat

Not a haiku.

Now that you've edited this to note that it's a haiku some things are different of course, however I think most of my review still applies.

Well... That was rather short.
Well Short and Sweet that's what they say isn't it?

This was a very nice few lines.

Hi there, Sionarama!

There's not much to really critique here, of course, since it's a rather short poem, but I'll do what I can.

It's interesting, and while I get where you're coming from, I think it can be done a bit better. When you choose to do something as short as this, it's best to try and make each word count for as much as possible. Short poems can be very engaging and leave an impact, and a good way to do this is to come up with an idea that seems too long to possibly fit into such a short poem, and then come up with a way to manage such a feat.

For one, you could add more depth. Even while keeping it very vague, there are still ways to expand. What sort of chaos? Does this person have a past they regret? What kind of light, is it virtuous salvation, oblivion, or something more? Describe the transformation in greater detail. I'm hesitant to give specific ideas, because it's your piece, but with short pieces, the best way to make them leave an impact is for every word to be packed with meaning, so that the reader can spend twenty times the time they spent reading the poem interpreting it and thinking about what it could have meant. You don't even have to decide on a definite meaning (in fact you probably shouldn't!), as long as the words are interesting enough to grip the reader and allow them to come up with their own meaning.

While your piece as it is gives nearly every word an importance, you may want to add something, if only to enrich it. It's extremely short as it is, and you could give it greater depth without taking away from the punctual nature too much.

As this is, it has a lot of potential, and I bet you could make it even more interesting.

Hope I helped!

~Aet