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139,649 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
Hey Onar!
This is a neat piece of work you have here. I'm not good a poetry, so if other reviewers disagree with me, I'd advise you to listen to them instead, but I think that this is a bit choppy in places. "The Pied Piper-- in fact." Is a bit strange, to my eyes at least.
Also, you wrote "What is the most sacred way to die? To be lost obscurely, a martyr On some ghoulish crusade for the Spiritual Revolution." It seems like the second bit is a question that feeds off the first- if it's the answer, ignore this- but you end with a period instead of a question mark.
Finally, you capitalize most of your lines. I was taught that every line in a poem is supposed to be capitalized, but I've since been told that poetical license allows you to break the rules that you have to adhere to in prose- but, all the same, I think that your piece may look a bit better if you capitalize every line. Of course, that's your choice.
Anyway, good piece of work. I quite enjoyed it.
Keep Writing!
~Shady
i love it. your words flow beautifully, like a song. the spcing is good and i looooove the title. You seem to be a natural at poetry. i will look forward to reading more of your things. Keep writing < 3 .