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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey Sio! Nice poem, and nicely portrayed metaphor. I don't agree with it necessarily, but that doesn't matter. I review objectively! :p (I could totally be wrong. I might just be assuming this is a metaphor and reading into it completely wrong. In that case, do your best to take what's helpful in this review, and leave the rest.)
Okay, I don't understand why the poem was structured the way it was. The tab on certain lines doesn't seem significant to me, so it doesn't add anything to the message or pacing in the poem. The wonderful thing is, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it! Poems can be formatted many different ways, this way just confused me a little. I looked for an image, and I tried to see if it effected the pace, which it didn't. You may want to consider reformatting it.
The message you were going for in this poem was a societal critique. You are critiquing America greed, but the message is weakened for me because it takes place on the Fourth of July. That being the theme of the poem, the image of kids greedily devouring food doesn't disturb or disgust me. It's normal on a holiday. If you were going for a critique, I don't think this poem was the most effective way to portray your message.
Now, that's not to say your message is lost. It's just weakened.
On the other hand, if this isn't a societal critique, you might want to consider some changes because two people are getting to different messages from the poem.
Nice writing, Sio, I enjoyed reading your poem, and I hope my review was helpful. Good luck, and keep writing!
Hey little author here,
This totally brought back memory's from my childhood. I thought it had beautiful discription and it was very smooth and fluent.
"dessert not only..."
Dessert should have a coma or just be crossed out completely. Other the. This I thought it was perfect and beautiful.
KEEP WRITING