evil smile
wicked grin
your long hair brushes with my chin
I take your arm from the bin
it falls off, O what a sin!
We get ready in our room
prepare to meet your doom
we are done, what a sight
we fill all with lots of spite
So for this valentine goes
my lovely, dead black rose
to my friends I've all but lied
you are my beautiful, angelic
dead corpse bride. 
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
(sorry I meant to write my first post as a review so I had to repost it LAWL)
This is a very dark piece and don't really read poetry very often but I enjoyed it which is saying something :3
First off Sionarama, I would really consider spacing your words out a bit because it's actually a little hard to read.
Another thing is yeah I agree with Howler, the word angelic is indeed a flow breaker to the other evil words so I would use a word like say devilish which blends in a little nicer.
Lastly, I bet you were inspired to write this poem because of a movie called the corpses bride? It isn't a bad thing because you put your own twist on it so good job and keep writing!
This is a very dark piece and don't really read poetry very often but I enjoyed it which is actually saying something :3
First off Sionarama, I would really consider spacing your words out a bit because it's actually a little hard to read.
Another thing is that I agree with Howler, the word angelic is indeed a flow breaker to the other evil words so I would use a word like say devilish which blends in a little nicer.
Lastly, I bet you were inspired to write this poem because of a movie called the corpses bride? It isn't a bad thing because you put your own twist on it so good job and keep writing!
This is very nice. I did a piece from a prompt not too long ago to make a love poem while using any mushy hallmark words, and your piece makes me think of that.
If one thing bugged me, it'd be the word "angelic" in the second last line. It breaks the flow of evil words you have. Something that doesn't protagonize the girl would be better. Even "beautiful" doesn't even have any moral expectations. Perhaps to try and help it, use one evil word first, then end the line with beautiful.
Example:
You are my sinister, beautiful
dead corpse bride
Maybe sinister, maybe not, but I think that it'd be better to fit in an evil personality word before beauty, just to try and keep it understood that this valentine is for someone who's wicked, but strangely enough, loved.
Have a lucky day!
I like this, it is pretty creepy. However, the rhyming seems a little forced in places so watch out for that. Make sure that you're saying something because it's an important part of the poem, and not just to make it rhyme. Also, the first two lines sound like they could be in the same line, so perhaps put them together. I really like the ending, and I think this could be a really good, creepy poem.
Hey Sionarama!
I'll review your poem today!
So this is really nice, quite original for a Valentine's day and quite creepy too. I'm a little rusty in poetry since I haven't written poetry in a while but I'll do my best here.
First of all I'll talk about your rhyme. It was a nice way of rhyming, simple but still good. Just one thing I have to tell you is to watch out when the rhyme since forced out. Your rhyming was good but sometimes it seemed a little too forced, let it flow, let it flow with the rhythm of your poem.
Your rhythm was good, really good, but the second verse kind of stands out in the poem and not in the good way. This verse is longer than the rest of the verses and it sort stops the flow and bumps the rhythm of the poem so try to do something with that line.
As for your wording, very simple. It was good but very simple. This is a good poem that to my opinion is not at its full potential. Why? You kept your wording way too simple. A poem is a way of expression your feelings in an artistic and expanded way. why? Because of the words you use. So for this poem, I would suggest you to use strong adjectives and verbs that could give a that gloomy mood to the poem.
So that's all and I hope I helped.
#BF0000 ">Valentine
Nice name. The whole poem seems pretty creepy. I fell like I've heard the somewhere, maybe it's the cliche of the dead corpse bride. The one thing I don't like is the little kiddish rhymes at the beginning. It makes it more professional when you stagger the rhymes so its every other, not every line. I'd imagine this was just a fun little poem, with a shocking ending. If you wish to make it better, i would make it longer, enhance the details and ease off on the rhyming. Cool.
#BF0000 ">Valentine